[HelenaJ]

And while kids can still thrive and grow into healthy adults, seeing an R like this (and that it's their parents) does affect them greatly. They are forming their views on relationships by observing both of you and your interactions (or lack there of)

Everyone tells me this...sometimes I feel like it's a justification for divorce, just something people say to feel better about leaving. Because when I see my kids and how happy they are, it's hard to see that they would be better off with us apart. However, with that said, I do also see that there may be things forming that I can't see...that I won't see until much later. And I also will say that since things have deteriorated so much between H and I, I think there is much more risk of them learning negative things. Before H actually TOLD me we'd never be a couple again, I was always trying. I knew that he was not responsive to me as his wife, but I kept thinking maybe I was imagining it or expecting too much or whatever. Because our family unit was still very, very good. We play games, go places, watch them play sports, have campfires, go on trips, we're very involved as a family unit and we do most everything together. And, we were still having sex and still interacting as a couple, calling each other during the day, etc. The daily stuff was good. It was just the real stuff, the stuff between just H and I that was very tense and made the daily stuff seem very fake at times. But for the kids, it was invisible.

You know what my H did?

That sounds horrible, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's amazing that you have been able to work through it and are here to tell about it. I'm sure that gives SO many people here a ton of hope.

This is not just a M that needs repairing, this is a critical situation. I don't know how much advice here will help you. You describe that you are trying to be a great mom, W, 180, GAL, etc. Yet you pride yourself on not being social; is that because you think that makes you a good girl in his eyes? I happen to think that any woman should freely decide who to go out with and how many drinks to have. If your H wants a perfect woman, well then he will never find her! And I am sorry, but you cannot be her either. No one is.

It's so hard for me to see it this way. A critical situation is for a woman with bruises on her face. Or who has an H who belittles her in public or tells her she's stupid or stays out all night and spends all their money at the bar. It's so hard for me to weigh what he does to me against the family we have created that we now must care for. I feel like no matter what he does, I will bend and stretch to somehow accommodate it. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I make a decision, why can't I decide what the right thing is? Something in my head keeps telling me "If you think being married to him is hard, try divorcing him. Just try it."

And you are choosing to stay in an abusive R.

I know. And I only have three people in my life that I can talk to about it. And eventually as much as they love me, even they are going to tell me to either leave or stop dwelling on it. If it was really that bad, I would leave right????

Hopefully as you can nurture your soul and get stronger, you can come to make decisions based on what you then know you deserve.

This is my path. I'm trying very hard. I feel guilty every step of the way, but I do feel like I'm making progress.