[HelenaJ]

The guilt you trick because of past behaviour is just that, a guilt and shame you sleight of hand. It's about control and that's an easy pedal to push to make you stall. I doubt this is above you kissing a guy all those years ago, he is doing it because it presses your buttons for guilt and shame. That is control.

The problem for me has been how to stop feeling so insanely guilty that I feel like I deserve it?? I look at other women constantly, other couples, and tell myself "I bet she would never do what you did, that's why they seem so happy." I'm crazy with it, crazy with guilt, crazy with shame. I hate that I have this in my past, I hate it. But at the end of the day, I can't change it can I? And I can't force him to forgive me. And I can't minimize the damage I did just because *I* don't think it should be this monumental. So that's where I've been stuck. Forever. Because I can either 1) accept his punishment 2) leave

Both options seem equally impossible to me. I torture myself EVERY SINGLE DAY with trying to make this decision. EVERY DAY. It's literally hell.