[HelenaJ]

The charge's on H's credit card turned out to be fraud.

It's been a long time since I've posted, things are essentially the same horrible mess, and I've obsessed pretty much every second of every day about it, but I can't seem to find time to put my thoughts out here. By the end of the day, I'm so terribly exhausted that I fall into bed.

There have been a couple notable happenings...H had another international trip and while he was gone he texted me to tell me that he missed me in his life but he "understands and accepts my absence." I responded by telling him "You left me. I am not absent. You want a coparent, not a wife. At least with me. And therefore you don't have one. I did not mysteriously become absent." He said "I did not leave you. I just can't ever allow my heart to be crushed like that again." I said "Unless you're serious about things being different between us than they are, I don't ever want to talk about our relationship with you again."

I don't know if that was the best thing to do in terms of saving our M, but it was a critical step in saving my sanity. His texts consistently tell me over and over what a horrible wife I've been, how I've crushed his heart, I can't be trusted, etc. etc. A couple days later he texted me "You are so wise. I bow to your ability to crush the hearts you are entrusted with and still remain a victim. You are truly a gallant person." So his mean texts may not stop but hopefully they will become fewer. All the while he claims over and over that he has no "ill will" or "bitterness" towards me whatsoever. Which is either a lie or he is a total sociopath. I've tried to figure out why he has told me that several times....and if I say something harsh he'll say "jeez, bitter much?" Honestly I think it's intended to put me in a one-down position to him as though he is superior to me because he has evolved beyond such petty feelings as bitterness. He acts like he's happy all the time, like none of this bothers him in the least. And I know it's a show, it has to be. These types of major relationship issues bother anyone....even the people who are sure they want out of their marriage have a difficult time and doubt themselves, etc. So for him to act like this, it's obvious he's just playing games with me as always.

When something is bothering me, I often wake up with clarity in the mornings about something. I don't know what it is about morning when I first wake up, but I trust the wisdom that comes to me in those moments because it's not just about feelings-it can be a technical issue at work or something like that and I will wake up with the answer. It's weird. Anyway, I woke up last Saturday wondering why I am wearing the wedding rings of a man who told me he'll never give me his heart again. Isn't that what they rings are supposed to symbolize?? Plus he took his off 4.5 years ago so there is no one wearing the other half of this promise. When I woke up I knew what I wanted to do. I put them in a baggy with a note that said "These don't belong to me anymore. I see them as a gift you gave to me from your heart as a promise that you wanted me to spend the rest of my life as your wife and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life as my husband. I know you took yours off a long time ago...and I don't really know what to say about that. I can't really explain why I need to give mine back to you now except to say that wearing them at this point feels like I am taking something on a daily basis that you no longer wish to give and certainly would not give to me today. Please save them for the girls obviously." I put it on his bathroom sink. It's still sitting there and if he's opened it and/or read it, he did so and put it back exactly like it was to make it appear completely untouched. So I have no idea if he's read it or what he's trying to convey by just leaving them there. I don't want him to think I'm just trying to present myself as single or something, so I bought a silicone ring like people wear when they go to the gym and that's what I've been wearing. I also took down our wedding photo that was hanging over our bed. He hasn't slept in there for 4.5 years anyway.

I know all of this is taking me farther and farther away from a reconciliation. I get that. These were things I felt like I needed to do in order to make it clear that the shenanigans in our relationship as they've been occurring will not be tolerated anymore. I am done. With that being said, I am also done making statements. These were three things done in a very short window of time...two weeks maybe in order to take a position. Now I will let sleeping dogs lie.