After that massive temp check by me, which went sideways till Monday, I came home and read up on Sandi's rules and vowed to never do what I did again. As dusty and J9 said - it made me feel very small, pathetic, and no doubt she lost more respect for me. When I think about that day, it makes me cringe because all I see is a beggar asking for crumbs. I have come a long way from that day and I'll die before I beg someone to be in my life again.
So, I went NC/Dark and stepped up GAL, and kept every single convo with her about business - kids, finances etc. I never initiate a convo with her unless it's kid related and she needs to know or if it's an emergency - comes out to maybe once a month.
I am cordial and pleasant with her and she is the same in return. She told me she was so super angry with me that this would take years for her to get over. So, I got out of the way of her anger and just disappeared basically. She's polite and cordial, but I keep things very businesslike and so she would have to make an effort if she wanted to have a non-businesslike convo. I do it because I want to see her make an effort. But, so far, she hasn't, and I am okay with that. I don't want to be with someone meek and can't go for what they want.
I think her anger has subsided because I don't see it when we interact - she's been pissed of a few times and hasn't been able to even talk to me in person. But all those times that she was angry is because I stood up for myself and didn't let her run me over. So, I didn't give a $hit if she was on the rooftops angry, that's her business.
She's been sending me random kid related texts recently. It had stopped for a long time, but suddenly I get some stuff here and there. I reply politely and keep it light. I don't know if she's rearing her head out, but I honestly don't care at this point. I don't mind read and I don't pay attention to crumbs. She'd have to do something serious to get me to turn my head.
I read Mark Manson's articles here and there - I like some of it, but not all. There is a post by him called 'F#$k Yes or No'. Google it and you'll find it. And another one about the single most important trait he talks about in a woman that he wants to see. I fully agree with both posts and that's been one of the things that I keep in mind.
I keep my interactions with W like she's an acquaintance - it's not just to follow DBing, but also for my own emotional and mental protection. I refuse to get sucked into nonsense. I am pleasant and assertive - a balance that has worked wonders for me.
Long answer to your question, but sometimes i am wordy
Ok, I've been told to "Just get over it and not think about it" one too many times.
I'm done.
Deuces.
I have never told you to just get over it and not think about it. Gee, I had known you were going to ignore everything else in my post, I could have saved myself some time.
Quote:
Every LBH I have seen rise above his pain and confusion, has credited a great deal of it to GAL. I know you have a lot of cubicle time at work that seems to be the toughest. You have to purposely direct your thoughts on other things, and stop giving this cr@p your attention. The more you feed this wolf, the bigger he's going to get.
This ^^^^^^^was my only reference about your thoughts, and I was trying to suggest some "how to's", since you had said you didn't know how to shut it off.
I don't expect you to turn it off like a light switch. You have purposely engage your thoughts and attention on other things. If you can post on the board while in your cubicle, then that means you could look at other things on the Internet, too. I'm just saying to browse around in areas that interest you. Get ideas on GAL. Find something to read, something new. That is an example of purposely engaging your thoughts & attention away from your sitch.
At first, you may feel it is hopeless and your thoughts won't cooperate. However, if you stick with it, and if you will stop engaging in the things that trigger this spinning.......little by little you'll notice that you are spinning less & less. It is a daily effort that you have to do for yourself. It requires self discipline to train your mind to purposely think on other subjects.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Any advice on how to reply to the last message from WW?
She was being nice yesterday, but clearly seems peeved this morning.
What i find interesting is that she obviously got told S3 wouldn't be coming home till Tuesday, presumably by her mother, which is who i told in the first place, otherwise how would she even know to ask?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I have never told you to just get over it and not think about it. Gee, I had known you were going to ignore everything else in my post, I could have saved myself some time. [quote]
Sandi, as i said in reply to Steve, i was referring to people IRL here. Sorry i didnt clarify.
[quote=sandi2] This ^^^^^^^was my only reference about your thoughts, and I was trying to suggest some "how to's", since you had said you didn't know how to shut it off.
I don't expect you to turn it off like a light switch. You have purposely engage your thoughts and attention on other things. If you can post on the board while in your cubicle, then that means you could look at other things on the Internet, too. I'm just saying to browse around in areas that interest you. Get ideas on GAL. Find something to read, something new. That is an example of purposely engaging your thoughts & attention away from your sitch.
At first, you may feel it is hopeless and your thoughts won't cooperate. However, if you stick with it, and if you will stop engaging in the things that trigger this spinning.......little by little you'll notice that you are spinning less & less. It is a daily effort that you have to do for yourself. It requires self discipline to train your mind to purposely think on other subjects.
When i am in a good mood i can see this, i can recognize that my "Spiraling Episodes" are less frequent and last less time. However when i am in the depths of one, it seems like it will never end and all is lost. Its a powerful negative draw on my emotions. Game nights are easily the biggest impact as i literally have to set my mind into that of a totally fictional character. Work is definitely my darkest time. Yesterday got really bad, cant really say why. I thought downs that low were behind me.
Im sorry to anyone i was short with yesterday, Something was definitely off in my head.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Sandi, as i said in reply to Steve, i was referring to people IRL here. Sorry i didnt clarify.
Most of the people that care about us are looking for a quick fix to make us feel better. As you said yesterday, just forget it and move on doesn't really help because if we could do that we would have. Kind of like when are you looking for something and someone says "where is the last place you left it?". WOW THANKS! I wish I had thought of that myself! LOL
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When i am in a good mood i can see this, i can recognize that my "Spiraling Episodes" are less frequent and last less time. However when i am in the depths of one, it seems like it will never end and all is lost. Its a powerful negative draw on my emotions. Game nights are easily the biggest impact as i literally have to set my mind into that of a totally fictional character. Work is definitely my darkest time. Yesterday got really bad, cant really say why. I thought downs that low were behind me. [/quote]
Man do I feel you on this spiraling now depths so low but even though I know it will pass it is like death
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
She just texted again, as i havent responded yet to the first one from earlier.
WW: "I just want to make sure i am on the same page as everyone else"
----------------------------
Waiting for a reply is bothering her.
She did this exact thing the day i got arrested and got the TRO.
After the incident her first message that day was "How is your hand, as thats what i assume you used to smash my trunk"
and by 2 hours later when i hadnt answered her it was "Are you ok? nobody is telling me anything and im worried about you"
Shes becoming predictable.
Wow that first one the day of the arrest was so transparent! Feigned concern couple with accusation. And the second one shows she didn't like not knowing if they'd already arrested you and slapped the RO on you or not. She's a piece of work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It took about 9 months or so wouldn't you say M?