Afraid of the dark

[Ste7e]

Thanks Arsh yeah same sitch

OK well that sucked
met with WAW she ended up texting today to see if I wanted to get something to eat when we met. Went to some terrible cheap grocery store dinner thing on her suggestion. I said "right on I am up to try new things"

Well I did a terrible job of listening I talked alot about job search stuff after she asked. There has been alot going on in that front for me so I have a lot for me to talk about. I was probably also a little nervous and had too much caffeine today also. I found it hard to make eye contact too oops. So maybe it all came across as trying to hard on my part. She talked a bit about going to our home town to go to a funeral of a friend of hers last week and I gave my condolensces. And she talked about some movies she had gone to see recently which I was actually thinking about going to see myself glad I didnt or I would have run into her there. I had also already seen the films in the past so we talked about them a bit. She asked me about some stuff I went to over the weekend which I dont know how she would have known about? She then suggested we go for a walk and she commented about how muscular my legs were looking (I intentionally wore clothes that showed off my physique and I was looking good) and that our yoga teacher (we go at different times)had told her that I had lost 35 lbs, I corrected her and said its 40 and that I was close to my goal weight. She told me about a mutual friend getting married...ironic.
On our walk she led into that she had begun working on filing and that I needed to sign something. This will be an amicable seperation so there isnt a need for lawyers yet. I said "I dont think D is the answer and that I understand that this is what you want and I will not stand in your way" she then went into some more D logistics. I responded that "I do not believe in D and that she will need to just file on her own as its will be non contested" she then said that I had to sign this thing or else it can never be filed. I said I would sign it and to send it over. She said we needed to split some belongings and wanted to make sure we on the same page. The situation is that she has left all her furniture at the house and besides the closets and one room which was hers you would never know that she had moved out. She volunteered to let me keep all the stuff until she moved again in a year from her Apt and needed it. She also wants to take one of the cats. I said that I didn't want her to take the cat but take the other cat...but the one she wants is the one she brought into the R so I said he is your cat what can I do but let you have him. She said something about money and I told her that I didnt have any and that I was in fact entitled to half hers but why would I take that. We walked a bit more and I stopped talking and it got very uncomfortable. She said she wants this to end on good terms so that we don't take this into being friends and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I thought about it for a minute and said I don't think there is anything to say. I then repeated "I do not think D is the answer but that I understand that is what she wants and I will not get in her way". I then asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about and she said no. We then walked the few remaining blocks back to our cars in silence I picked up the pace a bit and was in front of her in silence I guess I got COLD I kept thinking act as if at this point. We got back to the grocery store and she said she needed to use the bathroom. I said Goodbye in a kind of short way and she goodbye sort of dazed like it was for goodbye forever. After she went in I waked to my car but decided I needed a water and went back in and was in line when she left. She was pulling around as I walked out the store and she drove by me and I just kept walking to my car and came home to type this.

I dont know if I totally blew it tonight or did good? I did not get dragged into a fight. I did not respond in my usual way of needyness, needing answers or reasurrances, pleading, asking about an A, or saying ILY dont do this etc. I did not fight for the R beyond saying D is not the answer. But I also didn't listen too well in small talk she wasnt forthcoming really at all or validate but there wasn't much to validate. She was cold the whole time, and I got cold and put out at the end. Don't really know how you are supposed to take that conversation with a smile? That really felt like the death nail conversation. My M is over.
I feel so cheated so let down I never got a chance to make things right, what kind of person does that to someone they Love or loved? Where is any respect or acknowledgement of what we had?
I want more than anything to call her right now and tell her everything I am feeling and fight for this. But all I can do is stand right? Is there any hope at this point?