Affair discovered

[STH17]

OMG! Don't you want her to just live and be healthy? I suspect she can probably sense this type of attitude from you......which is not healthy for either of you.

You are right, and what you are saying here is what W is telling me too. I tried to be respectful of the distance she wanted, but at the same time I always was trying to work on decreasing that distance, building trust to restore our MR. I didn't understand just how badly she was truly hurting, that she wasn't just angrily shutting me out, but really needed me gone so she could heal. I was still stuck on saving the marriage.

Take it seriously. Learn all that you can. You can't be angry at her for being depressed, when you don't even know what has caused it. You can't think selfishly about what you want.....or try to control her. You have to stop controlling. Even if she doesn't want to stay in the M.....you have to stop controlling.

It's one thing to play the victim card, but when she is considering suicide.....it's no game. I need to refresh my memory about your sitch, but I think this girl is crying out and maybe that could have been behind the PA, too. I hope medication helps, but she may need therapy, as well.

While she is in the hospital, don't GAL. Take care of your child, and visit your W......if she wants you there. Do NOT discuss the MR, or OM, or PA. This is not the time. Try to think of light hearted things and not discuss anything heavy. It is not necessary to talk about anything. Just being there, is enough.

She's been in therapy this whole time over the past six months. It seemed to have been helping, she was getting better, and our relationship seemed better. She went from leaving rooms when I entered them to actually coming into them when I was there. Not because I was there, but the fact she felt comfortable enough to do so was good I thought. That all fell apart when I asked her about the message I read on her phone. She was angry I was snooping, and I backed off of all the positive connection-building behaviors I had been implementing. I became a fearful person again in her presence, then was depressed for a week myself after the PA day.

Nothing, even the M, is more important than her getting mentally healthier.

I always thought the two did not have to be mutually exclusive. But I see how that belief can be controlling. From the very beginning of our separation I struggled with that very question of whether trying to save our marriage was manipulative when W made it clear she didn't want that. I think I need to let your words sink in some more.

So do I file jointly, or help her file by herself and act as the respondent? Either way, don't bring it up again until she does? That would be like I'm avoiding the conflict.

You say stop taking things so personally, yet here's W's shared FB post for today: "Apologies don't mean anything if you keep doing what you're sorry for"

I don't know what to do anymore. I was going to go rock climbing tonight to give W some space. Scratch that? And tomorrow morning is a men's group breakfast I normally go to a couple times a month. I could skip the breakfast and just take care of my son tomorrow morning. The partial hospitilization program starts tomorrow.