Advice on My Scenario Pt. 8 - No Anger, Know Peace

[OrangeK]

Lets look at Sandi s rules and see a summary of where i am at. At least from my own perspective. Feel free to correct as you see my sitch from the outside in.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

I did this for months, it did exactly what is advertised and it was awful. Since TRO i havent been able to do this, which has been a blessing in disguise as you have all pointed out, as much as it doesnt feel that way sometimes

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then dont try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

Again, wasnt an issue for a while. I recently broke this rule in contacting her about S3 now that i am allowed to do that.
I will not be doing so again. She can reach out to me, if its pressing Ill talk to MIL instead. Not much of an improvement, but safer altogether.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

I made this mistake the Day of the "Incident" which resulted in the TRO. I had written her a letter and included wedding photos in it. I see now how stupid that was.

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

Not an issue as she left the day the affair was exposed. I had to do all my my begging and pleading from a distance until i got TRO'ed.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don t want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

Stopped doing that back in Jan before TRO.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don t discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

I DEFINITELY botched this one HARDCORE. I ran my mouth to anyone that would listen, including her parents, A LOT. (again all before Jan)

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

Failed here all the way through Jan as well. I $ucked at this game, granted i didnt know what game i was playing yet.

8. Do not buy gifts to make brownie points. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

Yup, did this too. Succulent arrangement delivered to her work back in Nov. I literally broke every rule so far at some point.

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

I did this right around Xmas, it was supposed to be Just a date night, no discussions about R
FAILED. got about 15 min into dinner and started asking questions like an idiot.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

Still guilty of this, although its been a little while since i looked myself (like 3 weeks?) the only snooping that has happened lately was from people telling me things without me asking.

11. Do not say I Love You (It is being pushy and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

I think the last time i said I Love You was The Incident Day in MC meeting.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

Ok finally, one i am currently doing correctly!
Day late and a dollar short, but I have had this one down fairly well for a while now.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

Ok, now were warming up. Again, i feel I am making good progress here. definitely wasnt in the winter time, i looked terminally ill.

14. Dont sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say , get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just dont act as if it will change your plans if they do or dont go.

No issue here as we dont see eachother at all.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation, then dont, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but dont sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what s wrong....just say nothing and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Dont get into an argument! Stay polite and don t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you arent speaking, but dont be overly talkative.

Doing this pretty well, on the scant few times we communicate. I have been pleasant.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

No issue here. We dont see each other or talk about anything but S3


17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

I think filing for divorce qualifies here, Yes?

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold , just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

Doing this but I wont ever hear anything from her about this. I am just doing this for myself. Time to let go of anger.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Dont overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are fake b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

Stopped with the I am healing type of FB posts months ago. I am just doing what makes me happy and trying to be happy in my every day. That is tough often, but I am presenting nothing but moving forward to the public world. The image i project here vs. publically is very different.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

The only questions are when the next divorce hearing is (Sept 1tth for the record, 6 days before what would be 2nd anniversary)


21. Never lose your cool! Dont let your spouse trap you into a fight. Dont take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

Did terribly at this up till TRO. Now i feel like all i am doing is killing her with kindness the very few times we have communicated. Ill continue that trend.

22. Dont be overly enthusiastic, dont over kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

Ok, edit from above, perhaps ill dial back from killing with kindness to Business like

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

Easy. Again, barely talking, and certainly not about her feelings, she doesnt have them, never has, so that parts easy.
Damn Succubus.

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

Ok. Yea so this obviously isnt working. Ive been patient through the whole TRO, she isnt drawing back to me at all, but in my case that really not a bad thing.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

A. She doesnt talk to me.
B. When she was talking to me, she deliberately avoided eye contact. Ill try again sometime if she decides to talk to me about anything. Likely when i have a girlfriend. lol.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

This was a hard lesson to learn. very very hard. I think constantly berating her (not yelling, but being very persistent in asking for answers) probably drove her away 10x faster than she would have gone, but she would have gone regardless.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

Boy oh boy did i screw this one up from Oct - Feb. I lost 40lbs, i looked sick, my hair was a mess, i didnt eat or sleep properly. Im amazed i was able to pass my Fire2 Class that finished in December.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

This website is my self help book. I was calm and confident in court, keeping that theme going.


29. Know that if you can do 180s, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

Well see if they ever get noticed. I dont suppose it matters either way at this point.

30. Do not be openly show that you are desperate or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

I was awful at this, and probably still would be if not for TRO.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

No communication, No issue.

32. Do not believe anything they say and 50 per cent of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

I believe nothing she says and am shocked at the crap she does.


33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

Ummmmmmmm yea. Ive literally been told to give up. Walk away. Forget and move on.



34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they wont last and the same problems will return.

Again, not looking for R so no issue here. If she notices my changes, good for her. Ill be out tilling my barren field where my F..Ks once grew.


35. Do not send several TMs or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.


Slipped up here recently with the S3 text.
Wont happen again

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

Never been much of a bar person

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

Hmmmm. Guilty of this, at least internally.


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Clearly a lot of these dont apply as much to me as i am separated, in NC and mid D, but still worth reviewing.

I am open and willing to hear anyone else s interpretation of these rules as they apply to my sitch.

thanks for reading everyone