25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10

[25yearsmlc]

definitely brave KML, and yes s31 hit it on the head.

I'm sorry for you on the graduation day. Do you ever wonder how you failed to see the differences in your x before?

As you know and relate to, to US, our children are precious blessings and we always put them first. X SAYS that's what he did but it's patently false.

And OR worse, he thinks the way he acted IS putting them first and that means he equates what HE himself wants for himself as the goal of all family members.. which is true narcissism. I did not get until recently that he and I truly do NOT share the same values and we do not see the world the same way at all.


His telling our kids how much he loves his new family is so odd and utterly lacking in empathy that it is, again, a narcissistic trait I failed to pick up on sooner.

I know I smoothed his social interactions often when he was abrupt or abrasive b/c I told myself he was "eccentric" and that I simply had better social skills, but in reality he needed me to do that or he'd have had few friends.

RE money and insurance
I'm paying for d20's meds and co-pays as it is. AND X underpays me by about $3450 per month which is about what I'm paying for d20, weirdly. (It'll take up to a year before the gov sends me my pension share directly. Meanwhile - I must rely on the most unreliable "family man" on earth for it, which means I have to file in court for it or he'll keep being a jerk. OMG smh again. )


Once she finishes college next year, I'm SURE I'll be the one to pay for her medical insurance until she's 26 ( She needs it the most and God knows x will not do it.)

X is living his new "25 free" life and all is well. Says he "breathes the freedom of 25 in with satisfaction"

as if telling the children that living free of THEIR mother, is something that will please them or sound normal or kind. WHO THINKS THAT WAY??

oh I know who? The man I married and stayed married to for over 3 decades....ugh

x hated how his own mother was treated by his dad when they divorced. X felt bitter about it AND -- although X never said a word to his dad about that, of course,

I and the kids all know because x told us more than once...

that ^^ is sort of fascinating to me. SO NOW X can be happy as the obstacle to his joy in life (me) has divorced him...

X also SAYS he is "in therapy now, and rapidly moving past this."

Really? Wow...

1) I am not sure if I believe him at all, b/c he's a practiced liar who seems to believe what he says or thinks we should b/c he's entitled to be believed no matter how insane or blatant the lie;

2) x may consider "therapy" to be reading an article or two,

or seeing a pre marriage counselor about blending families - a few times...(blending of course, would require that our children have a R with him,... so...)

AND

3) see how fast x is moving on? He should get an A+++...!! He is so SO healthy he barely needs this! In fact X is teaching the therapist some insightful things...x IS a DOCTOR, you know...


I don't need x to be miserable and or to see the light for MY life to be good. But I tried to decode him (and will stop )

I had to ask rhetorically, what truly contented person sees a therapist AND sends an email to his kids- in which he rants and rants and blames them in part and

WHO takes NO accountability at all for any of HIS unilateral choices (choices made over my strong objections--which is when I should have fled)??

3 Adult children who know our history and whom he has not seen in well over a year, got that email and it is NOT the letter of a healthy happy or normal man.

I'm betting x does not show his T (IF there is a T) the reply from s31...

At the moment I shake my head and think "what a tortured soul x is." And as his once upon a time bf friend, (because I was his friend even though I had no idea he was not mine)

I am sad for him. But before I go all dark on myself -

I remember what he wrote and how embittered he has become and how nasty he was when I was sick (my illness was never mentioned in his email, btw...not even once)

then I say - good riddance to the "lunacy, always served with a side dish of contempt."

I'm like that cop on patrol in a scary neighborhood -- BUT NOW I know my partner is gone and decided to be a fireman somewhere else...and so I have created my own back up.

Besides - it's better and more grace filled to remember who I thought he once was and maybe who he really was,

before the inner struggle between the authentic loving way to live,

and the deceitful, selfish resentful greedy side - won out. Maybe it got hard to keep the facade up or maybe this is how he lives for the rest of his life.

I have no idea how x could have acted with such cognitive dissonance, but he did. And For a very long long time.

Maybe it sukks to be x and maybe that's karma, OR maybe he will never fully realize the harm he did to the 4 people who loved him the most. Maybe he emerges unscathed, though the email sounds far from it.

while It would be tragic if x never learns from this and never tries to TRULY reach out to the kids as a man working to atone...

what would be far far worse and what IS within MY control

is me & my children living our own lives well. Living without the pollution of insecurity and fear, and walking on egg shells, playing the guessing game of what NOW will ease his eternal restlessness, and feeling shame about choosing my kids over money for x...

The "Pick Us!" dance is over. I'm increasingly okay with that.

Oh and My T had a great metaphor to stop me from constantly going back to regretting and asking myself "but What iff???"

She said

"Hawaii is a very beautiful island with lush greenery. But if you are there now, it's spewing lava. You must get out of the way or the lava will kill you. Run away from the lava spewing... and don't keep looking back to see if the lush island is all better now."

X sent an email filled with spew and self pity and bitterness. X is hot lava that burns those in its' path. I'm getting out of the way and staying out and I hope the kids do too.

I'm driving up to see our d20 now, b/c that's what good parents do.

We show up. We keep on loving. We don't attach terms, we don't abandon, we don't reject, we don't erase or replace. Ever.