Advice on My Scenario Pt. 8 - No Anger, Know Peace

[OrangeK]

O..... Need to read your entire thread as I've only skimmed through the last two pages. From my own experience all I can say is I wanted everything you want, I wanted a second chance to work on our M, I wanted an apology, I wanted a lot from my XW that I will most likely never get but I am in a place where I don't need it anymore.
I searched for answers even though these boards told me not to snoop, I did and I found out more than I ever wanted to know. It destroyed me to find out the woman I loved more than anything could do this to me, to us! I wish I could go back and hit the reset button on my DB journey, I would change a whole lot of how I acted and started GAL and detachment much sooner!

Maika gave you some great advice on what you need to do, work on yourself! I learned this way to late but GAL is to save you! there are no truer words than that!

Im just going to keep my head down and get through to the weekend. I need this weekend really bad. Im trying not to call out of work tomorrow, as i am sorely tempted to do so.
I NEED the time to myself.

Don't hang your head, pick it up and go do something, anything. Make sure to keep yourself busy as this will keep your mind off it, as soon as you sit around with any down time you mind drifts off what the hell happened land. Stay busy!

but i am on thin ice with work as it

Does you boss know what's going on? My boss who is also a friend knew something was up, he actually got information for me to see an IC. But... I was a terrible employee all last year and I am finally getting my mojo back at work. My boss gave me the time and space I needed to for one stayed employed but also kept HR off my back. No shame in letting people know what's going on.

My boss has been pretty paitent, but its 50/50.
He wants to help, but he also is short staffed. If things were a little less chaotic here i may have been fired already. its been months that ive been languishing, im trying to get back on my A game here at work, but at the same time considering a change in career.

[SteveLW]

I just want to have 1 opportunity to sit her down and lay out all my frustrations, but i know she wouldn't hear me.

Then do it. Maika went through this same thing, he just kept saying he wanted to sit his W down and get everything out there and let her know how he felt. I advised him that all it would do is cement the fact that she was done, but if he really needed to know then he should go ahead and do it. And he did, and that's exactly how it played out. So maybe you need that too, you just need to open up your heart and have her stomp on it one last time for you to finally let go and move on like Maika did.

1.) I cannot, as my RO has me restricted to only contacting her via text or email regarding childcare only.

2.) My WW is a compulsive liar. As much as i feel like it would help me to let it all out at her (if i even could legally) she would just produce more lies, gaslighting and deceptions. I may someday when the TRO has been lifted but ill likly not care by then

You're doing the right thing by coming here to vent instead of following through on this kind of thing. So just keep that up! As Cadet says Keep posting!

[OrangeK]

you summed it up perfectly when you called her Human Garbage Steve.

I just wish i could say that to her personally. She deserves to hear that she is a low-life, bottom feeding, parasitic garbage person.

[OrangeK]

I guess just to continue the thread of What ifs here today.
Maybe i need the consequences explained to understand, so bear with me here. Let me get these out here before / instead of at WW.
These are all the questions plaguing me. i'm just gonna purge.




"Why did you do this? Why couldn't you have just talked to me and said you weren't happy?"

"How do you live with yourself? you cheated on me 3 weeks after we got married!"

"How do you really try and blame ME for this? you know you planned this and executed it all behind my back, and ran when i found out."

"How could you do this to your son, you clearly must have seen how badly this has effected him"

"Why did you even bother marrying me if you knew this was going to happen?"

"you said time after time back in the winter that "you didnt know" if you loved me anymore, if you wanted to be with me, if you wanted to come home. You did know. Why did you lie?"

"Did you EVER even love me?"

"How did i go from "The love of your life" to a tumor overnight? WTF Changed?"

Again, just purging so i dont do something rash and dumb.

P.S. I searched for Accuray's posts about WW's and i could find any specific to that. If anyone finds them, or if they can ask Accuray to look at my thread id appreciate it.

[SteveLW]

Here are her likely answers:

"Why did you do this? Why couldn't you have just talked to me and said you weren't happy?"

I did multiple times, but you never listened!

"How do you live with yourself? you cheated on me 3 weeks after we got married!"

You were such a jerk I didn't care anymore. You were depressed and never there for me. And when we did interact you were angry and mean!

"How do you really try and blame ME for this? you know you planned this and executed it all behind my back, and ran when i found out."

This is all your fault. And the fact that you don't see that proves that I did the right thing!

"How could you do this to your son, you clearly must have seen how badly this has effected him"

Kids are resilient. This is actually healthier for him. It is better than us fighting in front of him all the time.

"Why did you even bother marrying me if you knew this was going to happen?"

I don't know.

"you said time after time back in the winter that "you didnt know" if you loved me anymore, if you wanted to be with me, if you wanted to come home. You did know. Why did you lie?"

I didn't lie. I really don't know.

"Did you EVER even love me?"

I don't know.

"How did i go from "The love of your life" to a tumor overnight? WTF Changed?"

I don't know.

When you try to rationalize with WWs you get a lot of I don't knows. I was able to ask my wife questions like that. And IDK was a very common answer.

[Maika]

Maika went through this same thing,

Yup! AS is absolutely right. He told me but I didn't listen. What I got at the end of that convo was absolute devastation and I got crushed like a little bug.

Not a good feeling! It made me more resolute for sure, but if I had just trusted the process, at least for my own healing, I would've avoided all that unnecessary pain.

With your RO, you don't have the opportunity to do that - consider it a blessing. There is nothing but pain at the end of that conversation.

[OrangeK]

Here are her likely answers:

"Why did you do this? Why couldn't you have just talked to me and said you weren't happy?"

I did multiple times, but you never listened!
But She didnt. Ever. Never once did she even hint that she was unhappy.

"How do you live with yourself? you cheated on me 3 weeks after we got married!"

You were such a jerk I didn't care anymore. You were depressed and never there for me. And when we did interact you were angry and mean!
I was always very obviously happy to be in the R. I had some temper issues but never directed at her. Just work frustrations, financial and so on. I was never angry AT her, or mean TO her.

"How do you really try and blame ME for this? you know you planned this and executed it all behind my back, and ran when i found out."

This is all your fault. And the fact that you don't see that proves that I did the right thing!
This is somewhat accurate to something she actually said. Basically i didnt support her (i did) and that i wasnt good at parenting (i am)

"How could you do this to your son, you clearly must have seen how badly this has effected him"

Kids are resilient. This is actually healthier for him. It is better than us fighting in front of him all the time.
She has literally said this exact sentence to me verbatim. She truly believes this is the reason she left. All the fighting that happened in front of him was because she was turning wayward and fighting with me on anything she could. Which she never did before we were married. She was always very cheerful and chipper. then we got married. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde all Day.

"Why did you even bother marrying me if you knew this was going to happen?"

I don't know.

Yea, i got lots of IDK's

"you said time after time back in the winter that "you didnt know" if you loved me anymore, if you wanted to be with me, if you wanted to come home. You did know. Why did you lie?"

I didn't lie. I really don't know.
Yea, i got lots of IDK's

"Did you EVER even love me?"

I don't know.
Yea, i got lots of IDK's

"How did i go from "The love of your life" to a tumor overnight? WTF Changed?"

I don't know.
Yea, i got lots of IDK's

When you try to rationalize with WWs you get a lot of I don't knows. I was able to ask my wife questions like that. And IDK was a very common answer.

Yea, i got lots of IDK's

[OrangeK]

Maika went through this same thing,

Yup! AS is absolutely right. He told me but I didn't listen. What I got at the end of that convo was absolute devastation and I got crushed like a little bug.

Not a good feeling! It made me more resolute for sure, but if I had just trusted the process, at least for my own healing, I would've avoided all that unnecessary pain.

With your RO, you don't have the opportunity to do that - consider it a blessing. There is nothing but pain at the end of that conversation.

Thanks Makia, AS's post had me seriously considering sending her a letter or something. Good to know there's no profit to be had there.

How does your wife treat you now?

[TBSakaJ9]

Good to know there's no profit to be had there.

M is correct you will get squashed. It has nothing to do with who we are it is just the mental state we are in right after BD. My EW squashed me as well about a month after she moved out. I will spare you the details but I felt as small as a piece of dirt on the floor. From that moment on and told myself that I would never put myself in that position ever again. Anything I did from that moment on would be done from a position of strength.

It was crushing and demoralizing...I felt like a chump.

That is why we give you the advice based on our experiences.

[OrangeK]

Lets look at Sandi s rules and see a summary of where i am at. At least from my own perspective. Feel free to correct as you see my sitch from the outside in.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

I did this for months, it did exactly what is advertised and it was awful. Since TRO i havent been able to do this, which has been a blessing in disguise as you have all pointed out, as much as it doesnt feel that way sometimes

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then dont try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

Again, wasnt an issue for a while. I recently broke this rule in contacting her about S3 now that i am allowed to do that.
I will not be doing so again. She can reach out to me, if its pressing Ill talk to MIL instead. Not much of an improvement, but safer altogether.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

I made this mistake the Day of the "Incident" which resulted in the TRO. I had written her a letter and included wedding photos in it. I see now how stupid that was.

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

Not an issue as she left the day the affair was exposed. I had to do all my my begging and pleading from a distance until i got TRO'ed.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don t want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

Stopped doing that back in Jan before TRO.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don t discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

I DEFINITELY botched this one HARDCORE. I ran my mouth to anyone that would listen, including her parents, A LOT. (again all before Jan)

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

Failed here all the way through Jan as well. I $ucked at this game, granted i didnt know what game i was playing yet.

8. Do not buy gifts to make brownie points. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

Yup, did this too. Succulent arrangement delivered to her work back in Nov. I literally broke every rule so far at some point.

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

I did this right around Xmas, it was supposed to be Just a date night, no discussions about R
FAILED. got about 15 min into dinner and started asking questions like an idiot.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

Still guilty of this, although its been a little while since i looked myself (like 3 weeks?) the only snooping that has happened lately was from people telling me things without me asking.

11. Do not say I Love You (It is being pushy and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

I think the last time i said I Love You was The Incident Day in MC meeting.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

Ok finally, one i am currently doing correctly!
Day late and a dollar short, but I have had this one down fairly well for a while now.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

Ok, now were warming up. Again, i feel I am making good progress here. definitely wasnt in the winter time, i looked terminally ill.

14. Dont sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say , get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just dont act as if it will change your plans if they do or dont go.

No issue here as we dont see eachother at all.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation, then dont, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but dont sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what s wrong....just say nothing and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Dont get into an argument! Stay polite and don t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you arent speaking, but dont be overly talkative.

Doing this pretty well, on the scant few times we communicate. I have been pleasant.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

No issue here. We dont see each other or talk about anything but S3


17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

I think filing for divorce qualifies here, Yes?

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold , just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

Doing this but I wont ever hear anything from her about this. I am just doing this for myself. Time to let go of anger.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Dont overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are fake b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

Stopped with the I am healing type of FB posts months ago. I am just doing what makes me happy and trying to be happy in my every day. That is tough often, but I am presenting nothing but moving forward to the public world. The image i project here vs. publically is very different.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

The only questions are when the next divorce hearing is (Sept 1tth for the record, 6 days before what would be 2nd anniversary)


21. Never lose your cool! Dont let your spouse trap you into a fight. Dont take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

Did terribly at this up till TRO. Now i feel like all i am doing is killing her with kindness the very few times we have communicated. Ill continue that trend.

22. Dont be overly enthusiastic, dont over kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

Ok, edit from above, perhaps ill dial back from killing with kindness to Business like

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

Easy. Again, barely talking, and certainly not about her feelings, she doesnt have them, never has, so that parts easy.
Damn Succubus.

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

Ok. Yea so this obviously isnt working. Ive been patient through the whole TRO, she isnt drawing back to me at all, but in my case that really not a bad thing.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

A. She doesnt talk to me.
B. When she was talking to me, she deliberately avoided eye contact. Ill try again sometime if she decides to talk to me about anything. Likely when i have a girlfriend. lol.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

This was a hard lesson to learn. very very hard. I think constantly berating her (not yelling, but being very persistent in asking for answers) probably drove her away 10x faster than she would have gone, but she would have gone regardless.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

Boy oh boy did i screw this one up from Oct - Feb. I lost 40lbs, i looked sick, my hair was a mess, i didnt eat or sleep properly. Im amazed i was able to pass my Fire2 Class that finished in December.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

This website is my self help book. I was calm and confident in court, keeping that theme going.


29. Know that if you can do 180s, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

Well see if they ever get noticed. I dont suppose it matters either way at this point.

30. Do not be openly show that you are desperate or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

I was awful at this, and probably still would be if not for TRO.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

No communication, No issue.

32. Do not believe anything they say and 50 per cent of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

I believe nothing she says and am shocked at the crap she does.


33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

Ummmmmmmm yea. Ive literally been told to give up. Walk away. Forget and move on.



34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they wont last and the same problems will return.

Again, not looking for R so no issue here. If she notices my changes, good for her. Ill be out tilling my barren field where my F..Ks once grew.


35. Do not send several TMs or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.


Slipped up here recently with the S3 text.
Wont happen again

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

Never been much of a bar person

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

Hmmmm. Guilty of this, at least internally.


_______________________
Clearly a lot of these dont apply as much to me as i am separated, in NC and mid D, but still worth reviewing.

I am open and willing to hear anyone else s interpretation of these rules as they apply to my sitch.

thanks for reading everyone