Can I really do this #2

[SteveLW]

JS, she is rebelling. Her words are and actions are very revealing. When a WAW says things like "You are seeing someone." "You will be with someone in 2 months." "Your changes are not real." They are rebelling against what they are seeing.

Likely she is having feelings she didn't want to have. Feelings of wanting to stay. Feelings of being reattracted to you. Feelings of questioning her previously state desire.

I've told my story before, but the last time my wife really rebelled against the MR we were waiting for a table at a marriage retreat. She was hearing a lot of things at the retreat that she didn't want to hear. Commitment. Sticking it out through tough times. Not fooling yourself that you "don't loving" your spouse anymore. A lot of things that were making her think. It was Chritian based too so it was really hitting home to her that this was all in line with her beliefs and faith no matter what she tried to say.

So we are at a restaurant at lunch waiting for a table. And I am going through news articles on my phone. She looks over and says "What are you doing, messaging girls online?" (Now remember, that was exactly her behavior that lead to BD, an online EA with another guy.) I just chuckle and shake my head. She then says: "I mean, it would be okay if you were."

This launched us into a huge R talk, throughout lunch. It stayed civil, though she did get frustrated a couple of times.

That afternoon, I put my arm around her at the retreat during one of the speakers and she put her hand on my knee. We went to dinner that night and while waiting for a table I put my arm around her and she laid her head on my shoulder. We shopped together. The next day on the way home she mentioned that she just needed to get her "head on straight", and realize that she was committed because that was what God wanted. We talked a little more about the R, but then we just had a good time on the rest of the drive. Sang, talked, laughed.

The point is JS that WWs often rebel against the fact that they are coming back to the marriage. After all they've already stated that they are done. And that is hard to change back from once it has been stated. People don't like to be wrong. Especially when it took a lot for them to verbalize their desire to end the marriage to begin with.

To me this is all good stuff from your W. It shows me that she is having that tug of war internally. That she wants to go, but now she is starting to want to stay. Remember, believe NOTHING they say. We often think of that in terms of them telling us good things to get what they want. But it goes the other way too. You can't believe them when they say they don't believe your changes, or that "everyone knows", like she could even know that. And then having you back her up on the D's grades, just starts to cement that you've changed, and it makes her angry because it is another tug of wanting to stay.

"I just want out of this house and done with you. I'm ready to just throw everything out the window just to get out."

More of the same! Big talk by someone that isn't even following through in her other pronouncements (paperwork for mediation, scheduling time with the mediator, etc).

So while it is hard and frustrating at times, this is a sign that DBing is working. All WWs are different, some are more stubborn than others. She may continue to rebel against these changing feelings for quite a while. But as someone that has been through it this is all pretty much according to script once they start seeing the 180s, the GAL, and a spouse they'd be foolish to leave!