25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10

[25yearsmlc]

25years,

I will write more ASAP but I'm just wondering is the new wife much younger than you? I saw your post about him being public with her whereas he previously wasn't with you. Perhaps if she's younger he's trying to show off to everyone like "hey look at me with my younger woman!" It seems like that'd fit with his personality.


Actually new wife is within a few years of my age. A few years younger but definitely in her 50's (or she just looks that age... )

She is not more attractive than me, and I say that b/c I was curious of course. From what 100% of the people who have looked say, I'm "significantly" more attractive. I have never once looked at their posts but am told they are over the top & are "active Alaskans" types.

I'm smarter, I'm more educated and I'm a hell of a lot funnier. She does not have a college degree.

New wife Works in some form of cosmetic place where they do facials and fillers and botox which of course x the DOCTOR can administer and I would bet he's been working at her place for the "retirement" charade, in addition to other income hiding issues. Oh well.

I'm told she has had some type of fillers and face work that according to those who saw, did not pan out well. That she "looks weird."

What I gather from this^^ is insecurity in her about looks & or aging - which we all have but do not all keep working on with fillers and surgeries...

I don't take joy in this^^ (well, okay, maybe a little) but actually feel sorry for her. She thinks she's getting a great guy MD and a Doctor's wife lifestyle --- but since he blames me for taking "the vast majority of HIS life savings" (WTF???) his finances are shot and the kids are NOT To ask him for money...

She's getting a bitter man who is always striving and never arriving.
He will never, ever have enough money and so, although he has much more than I do, he also "needs more" b/c he cannot be satisfied with owning a home and traveling and enjoying life.

he Always, ALWAYS blames someone else for his mistakes, even when the mistake is blindingly obviously only HIS...and now he blames his own children for choices he made over my/their objection...like living away from home during the week. To complain about how he'd drive 200 miles home on Fridays "speeding home, often dangerously hoping to make everyone happy" - overlooks that I did NOT want him to live up there AND he promised it was going to be a 6 month gig, not 5 years...

I don't think his pride will allow him to leave her but he cannot sustain happiness for long, so who knows? Maybe she will bolt. He described himself to our kids as a "glass half full" type of guy...ironic, since he was clearly so dissatisfied with all of us. He belittled & undermined me & criticized the kids OFTEN. His encouragement was odd too. And narcissistic in that he'd tell our s31 (when s31 won a state championship in wrestling) that s31 "can now go to the Olympics."


Let the kid enjoy his win and move on. S31 did not want to spend the next 5 years wrestling 8 hours a day and getting his face smashed and not having a social life, at all. S31 was done and then made to feel like he had disappointed his father INSTEAD of being happy about a huge achievement. X also felt our d28 could be a great movie star

INSTEAD of appreciating that she is a truly gifted actress. Money and fame are not her goals.

My stand up comedy was - evidently - supposed to lead to me getting a sitcom??

I mean, x seems to see it as a failure on my end instead of something I do for the joy of performing my own material.

THIS^^^ is very sabotaging to people.

Regardless of how x now treats his "new family",

all I DO KNOW is that he was terrible to me the past few years and if I'd known in 2006 what I Know now, I'd have cut him loose and moved on.

He damaged our children and I enabled that to happen, for which I am very sorry.

New wife has recently gained weight and my guess is that within a year if not sooner, x will comment about it. She has breast implants which used to turn him off, and at least one tattoo, which he detested. The way to ensure her dependency and admiration of him will be a mix of undermining comments disguised as "encouraging" her to lose weight/work out BE HEALTHY, etc

mixed in with some publicly shown gifts or trips to prove how he really loves HER...

Good luck...



It's so sad that you spent so many years of your life with someone like that, but I also saw your post about planning to go overseas. That sounds great! If you'd like to teach English then Qatar or Dubai would offer high standards of living. Jordan would be a nice place to help refugees while staying safe and having access to good quality medical care. In the past when I've had problems and gone overseas I found the distance helped a lot. I likely would have asked my husband to agree to me taking our daughter to go overseas now for a few years if I didn't have health problems that required me to stay for the time being.

It sounds like you have exciting times ahead!

Thanks!

I'm planning on leaving in the fall. I admit that the uncertainty of where I'm heading is starting to bug me more.

I like to research places I'm traveling to (half the fun) and would also feel a lot more settled if I knew. Plus I want to bring my dog.

D20 is having some severe emotional issues and I am heading up to see her (9 hour drive WITH our dog...per D20's strong requests = "great mom" points). It has occurred to me that this may not be a great time for me to go overseas vis a vis her, but I also think there's value in her seeing me follow my dreams and making my own difference.

The email from x to the kids really hurt them. After he gaslighted them re the marriage, (as if they were not there!), he ranted about how much HE had sacrificed FOR THEM "always their best interests" - and that he "bled" for them and "is exhausted."

Who writes that to their kids?

I showed my T the email and she said she was "so sorry" that our kids and I had to read this.

Then she set it down and told me "Now you know. You have hard evidence that he's not a normal person, he's not rational and he's not well. You cannot talk rationally to someone who is irrational. THIS is a ranting piece. He's ranting and blaming THEM and you...

and if they do not buy into his narrative he will refuse to have a relationship with them at all, & your kids must treat his new family with "respect asthey have been through a lot."

(To me this = "say nothing that contradicts my narrative AND be nice to your replacements or you won't get to be on the team at all.")

This insight^^ from my T helped me detach a great deal and to take things much less personally.

Here is what my s31 wrote back to his dad i n response to the group email:



Thank you for sending this. It clarified a lot for me. I accept that you meant everything you said, and while I think you're tragically doubling down on conflict avoidance- mostly within yourself, it's not my responsibility to convince you of anything. My happiness can't hinge on you seeing the light. Having the tough, honest conversations and sincerely working through problems together is the only way to have a healthy relationship, and unfortunately your letter reflects an inability for that to occur. Time has shown, and these ultimatums further solidify, the inappropriate conditions only under which you are willing to be a father, and rather than try to explain that that's not how fatherhood works, I accept you and release you from it. If you ever look in the mirror, don't hate yourself. Just be honest.




If I got a letter like that ^^ from any of my kids, I'd head right over to my T office, and or a local bar.

It would definitely wound me BUT I am also certain that I'd look at myself really hard.

In my better more grace filled moments, I do pity x. I think he's gone off the deep end.

And at some point in his life I believe he will regret this all so very much,

but I also believe I'll never know of that, b/c he will always blame me for his losses. His pride and utter inability to humble himself in any form (which is mandatory for honest growth, imo) will prevent him from admitting it was due to his own flaws.

What x refers to as his "conflict avoidance to keep the peace" which still makes him a victim

was really dishonesty and cowardice. And until that is admitted it won't change and his whole life up there is now built on a lie.

Going forward,
I'll be Living my life authentically without any shame, and that is true freedom.