Sandi basically nailed it in her response about wanting answers, but I will give you my perspective to add to that.
There was a direct correlation between me wanting answers from her and me feeling like I was worthless and didn't have any value as a person, and also feeling abandoned. I wanted the answers to find out why EXACTLY I was worthless to her so that I could wallow in my self-victimization.
Mentally, I know how torturous this desire to want answers is. It is all consuming. It's not something you can just push out of your mind, because these thoughts are deeply connected to your emotions and your perceptions of yourself. I couldn't just stop drowning in it.
The only way I was able to get away from wanting answers and being mentally stable was to GAL and improve my self-worth. I needed to understand and convince myself why I was worthy of love, attention, companionship, and partnership.
This switch happened when I took accountability for my happiness and that W didn't get to decide my worthiness as a person. And the more my self-worth grew, the more I realized what I bring as a person which directly eroded any power that I had given to W about her actions controlling my self-worth.
So, the remedy here is the NC/going dark and GAL, and doing it consistently over time. Also, finding the inner validation from yourself.
Over time, I stopped caring about the answers because I took ownership over areas of life that I f$%*^ed up, but also recognized how she massively f$%^ed up too.
The need for getting answers lost all its power because I had grown and understood myself better.
Part of me still wants answers, but I am not holding onto dear life to get them. I know the answers may not be honest, and definitely won't be satisfactory. How do you explain blowing up the lives of three people without even trying to fix it? To me, there is no reasonable answer for that.
In your case, as Sandi points out, your W is a special kind of WW and there is a lot for you to process and deal with. The answers are not going to help you find closure - you think they will, but they will probably infuriate you and hurt your healing process.
So, move forward knowing that your desire for answers won't disappear through sheer brute mental force, but through your own deliberate and proactive healing journey.
