In the end it is your decision, your choice...if you want to reach out to her and ask all the questions then do so. If you think you will get those answers then go for it.
I do want to, badly, but i know i wont get the answers i want and it will only make my situation more complicated and make me look like a pursuing beta. If i ever get any of those answers they will be un asked for. I never said i was GOING to reach out to her. I came here to vent so i didnt. If i asked things like that it would be a violation of my TRO. Im not stupid, im not screwing myself over just to elevate her leverage.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Steve, you've told me this more than once and i appreciate your persistance, I have told you more than once if i could not "Drive myself nuts" I would. Do you think i WANT to dwell on this like this?
And I've persistently told you that you have wayyyyyyyy too much down time to dwell on it. You need to find activities to occupy your mind and thoughts. You've mentioned some kind of game playing. Do you have video games you can immerse yourself in? Are you a runner? Go for a run! Get busy. I've often said (maybe too you) that you should get self-help books, relationship books, and read them. This helped me immensely would I would start to spiral like you were doing earlier in this thread.
The thing is that anyone can sit and wallow and they play the victim and say "I can't help it". Or you can be the alpha dog that takes the bull by the horn and says "I'm going to drag myself out of this!" That is what GAL is about. That is what staying busy is about.
When you sit and stew then yes you can't get your mind off of it.
Good luck man, yes all of this advice that we give here is easier said than done. Again, we care about you and that is why we try to help you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And I've persistently told you that you have wayyyyyyyy too much down time to dwell on it.
Sunday with S3 All Day - He keeps me busy.
Monday - Up early get S3 ready for school, head right to work, work till 5:30, Get S3 and drop him off with MIL. Monday night is one night a have mostly free, and i find when i am home things are generally not too bad.
Tuesday - Work, then get S3, bring him to grandparents, Fire Department meeting and D&D Game on tuesday nights. Usually dont get home till about 11pm
Wednesday - Work All Day, Another Gamenight with friends, usually ends around midnight.
Thursday - Work all day, Get S3 and have him all night.
Friday - Bring S3 to school, Work all day, have S3 all night
Saturday - Drop S3 off with MIL, then day off, usually spent with friends.
So where is all this time to wallow you speak of. The only time is at work. My job is toxic for me as i have too much time to dwell. Looking into other careers.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
You need to find activities to occupy your mind and thoughts. You've mentioned some kind of game playing. Do you have video games you can immerse yourself in? Are you a runner? Go for a run! Get busy. I've often said (maybe too you) that you should get self-help books, relationship books, and read them. This helped me immensely would I would start to spiral like you were doing earlier in this thread.
See above.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
The thing is that anyone can sit and wallow and they play the victim and say "I can't help it". Or you can be the alpha dog that takes the bull by the horn and says "I'm going to drag myself out of this!" That is what GAL is about. That is what staying busy is about.
I cant help it. truth. The situation is beyond me, i cant DB, i cant talk, i cant ask questions, i cant do jack $hi& but sit here and accept my fate. Which i dont accept. Its BS. this whole thing is BS.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Good luck man, yes all of this advice that we give here is easier said than done. Again, we care about you and that is why we try to help you.
And i appreciate that, but i feel like all the luck in the world wouldn't change anything. I dont know why i feel like shes waiting for me to reach out, i have nothing indicating that is the case, so why is that feeling so strong.
When the Judge asked us if we were reconciling, she paused and waited for me to answer. this may be it.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
You will never make sense of what happened. TBH it is best if you just move on with your life. Easier said than done, I know but in the long run you will be better off for it.
Everyone keeps saying that, but its not like a button or a switch to be flipped. Ive tried, im trying. Easier said than done is the understatement of the year. I feel awful when i admit this, but i had an easier time grieving the death of my brother. I know why, i understood it. I know all the pieces and parts that lead up to this horrific event, it took a long time to heal from, but not like its been with this WW situation. And here's the rub, my other brother still struggles with the death of our eldest brother A LOT. Would ANYONE ever tell him to "Just move on with his life" regarding the death of a sibling? No way, not in a million years. that would be so taboo to say. So why is a marital affair any different? I think it speaks loudly of the state of marriage in the US when "Get over it and move on" is the adage of the day when dealing with this.
Im not trying to be hard on you Joseph, i appreciate your input a lot. its just a very frustrating thing to keep being told when my response has always been "Don't you wish i could just move on? Do you think i want to feel this way?"
That frustration is understandable. But do you see why it is also frustrating to see someone say one day "I am completely over her and don't even miss her!" And then the next on the verge of texting her to try and talk her out of what she is doing. OK, as I've said before, we care which is why we keep trying to talk you done when you go into a high, I am over this! And why we try to pull you up by your hair when you are down in the depth's of despair.
We all have been there. So we get it.
Also, I don't have the energy to go into it but dealing with a marital affair and losing someone in death are apples and oranges, for a lot of reasons. But even in the case of losing someone, yes at some point a person should be told to get over it and move on. Being stuck in mourning forever is not healthy. And we ALL are going to die one day, so we shouldn't be surprised when people do. It is hard, but is part of life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So when you are at work you aren't allowed to read? You aren't allowed to do other things to occupy your mind? Yes, the downtime at work is EXACTLY the time I am talking about that you sit and wallow in the mire of your sitch.
Maybe it will take a career change. I don't know what it like to be a firefighter, but I would think you you can do things on the downtime to keep your mind occupied.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So when you are at work you aren't allowed to read? You aren't allowed to do other things to occupy your mind? Yes, the downtime at work is EXACTLY the time I am talking about that you sit and wallow in the mire of your sitch.
Maybe it will take a career change. I don't know what it like to be a firefighter, but I would think you you can do things on the downtime to keep your mind occupied.
I only do firefighting as a volunteer. My day job is in an office at a desk. Where i post the majority of my thread from. If my full time job was firefighting things would be vastly different i think. I cannot afford to think of myself when on duty, others rely on me for their safety.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
When the Judge asked us if we were reconciling, she paused and waited for me to answer. this may be it.
This is it. this is why im spiraling today. it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
So her hesitation to answer made you think there was hope? It is the first time you were in the same room together, and could hear each other voices, in months. You don't think that had anything to do with her hesitation? I think to read too much into that hesitation, is dangerous (IE we are having this discussion!). Could have been she expected you to jump in and say yes, not because she wanted it but because she expected you to want it. Or maybe she was ready for the question so she wanted to see if you would jump in an answer before she did? Or maybe she hesitated on all of the questions posed to her by the judge (IDK, I wasn't there).
Who knows, but I would try to view it objectively. What have all of her actions been in all the time that the TRO has been in place? Actions mean more than words. Actions mean more than lack of words. Does her hesitation at the judge's question trump all of her actions?
OK, I feel like you are tired of my advice. So I will back off for a while. Know that I pray for you and your S everyday.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK, I feel like you are tired of my advice. So I will back off for a while. Know that I pray for you and your S everyday.
Incorrect assumption. Just because i dont agree with every piece of advice you give doesnt mean i dont value it Steve. Im not mentally 12 like my darling wife.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
