Advice on My Scenario Pt. 8 - No Anger, Know Peace

[Maika]

Man, I know you want answers. Trust me, almost all of us want answers. But you're going digging a hole that has no diamonds at the end of it. Here is my sitch in a nutshell and it makes absolutely no sense what happened, and I did want answers.

1. We moved around until we both secured good jobs. It took almost 8 years since we got married to get there.
2. We had 2 kids in that time which she wanted as well.
3. We finally bought our first home together. It was more than perfect - in the best school district in town; 2 minutes from the school; our work was 15 mins drive from it; it was a beautiful home with amazing space indoors and outdoors.
4. We were in a place finally where she could pursue her grad studies - which she started after we bought the home.
5. My job was finally a rewarding one and I was doing great.
6. Kids were unbelievably happy at school and we had good extracurricular activities for them.
7. We bought a new car because we needed it.

Six months after we bought the house and all of the above was set, she blows up everything - no second chance, wants to sell the house, and be done with everything. Said she's been unhappy for years - news to me. not a peep about it before.

You bet I had a million questions. Not to mention how f$%king unfair and brutal it was for me and the kids.

But, I realized that there were no answers to be had. And I am at a point where I don't care about the answers any more. If she was willing to shatter everything without even making an attempt to rectify things, it's on her. The kids will hold her accountable one day, and at least that will be one reckoning for her. I know I did that to my parents, and it changed my relationship with them.

So, she can sit in her own funeral when that day comes.

[TBSakaJ9]

O - TBH we all got hosed. I am 44 with 2 young kids, married for 14 years and she just tapped out one day. Trust me it could be worse.

What everyone else said is correct.......you will never get the answers you are looking for. Early on the more I pressed my EW for answers the more pissed off and angry she got.

I would strongly advise you to not reach out or ask anything.

[OrangeK]

OK, you will drive yourself nuts wondering those things. I know, I've been there.

Steve, you've told me this more than once and i appreciate your persistance, I have told you more than once if i could not "Drive myself nuts" I would. Do you think i WANT to dwell on this like this?
I cant just "not think about it" its like asking me not to breathe. I cant help it, its subconscious, it permeates my thoughts. I wish i could make it stop but i cant, if i knew a panacea for this id quaff it immediately. its not a light-switch.

But you aren't alone. We all wonder that. I think the need to understand is like any other problem solving issue. If we can understand what went wrong we can either fix it, or prevent it from happening again. But there are some people that cannot be fixed. No matter if you get to the root cause or not.

I dont even need to fix it, i just need to know why it happened. I need closure, not knowing causes all of these questions doubts and regrets. If i knew all the reasons for things i could package them up and put them away to gather dust where they should be.

[OrangeK]

I would strongly advise you to not reach out or ask anything.

thank you. I hadnt planned on it. Came here to vent so i wouldn't.
Im not saying my sitch is any worse than anyone elses too, its just so illogically F**ED. Like Makia said. I gave her all the things she wanted, and once she had them all she was just like "Nope, NVM"

[Ginger1]

My ex husband got his nuts cut open to start a family. He was born with what is called "congenital absence of the vas deferens" What we had to do to have our child was insane, and it included having sperm surgically extracted from his balls.

Sounds like a guy who really wants to have a family and be a dad, right?

Nah, part-time was enough for him, and on his terms. Sounds nuts, doesn't it? No pun intended!

and FWIW, I was a really good wife. I tolerated so much crap. Everyone thought I would be the one to leave him. I lived and breathed for him. It was never enough, unfortunately. when I had to pay some attention to myself (IVF, high risk pregnancy, early delivery, ect) he couldn't handle.

[TBSakaJ9]

I gave her all the things she wanted, and once she had them all she was just like "Nope, NVM

Trust me....my EW could do anything she wanted. Nails, hair, happy hours, new car, trips to Vegas and NY with her friends, I could continue on but none of that mattered and I am here just like everyone else.

You will never make sense of what happened. TBH it is best if you just move on with your life. Easier said than done, I know but in the long run you will be better off for it.

It really [censored] and I spent many sleepless and hungry nights just wanting to know what the F just happened to me. One year later I still have no clue.

[OrangeK]

Six months after we bought the house and all of the above was set, she blows up everything - no second chance, wants to sell the house, and be done with everything. Said she's been unhappy for years - news to me. not a peep about it before.

Right? Not a word. WTF is that? Do they expect us to have read their mind and know that now that they have gotten all the things they have been shooting for for years, they all the sudden decide they want a totally different life? How old were you guys at time of BD? It seems to be a recent commonality among women in their 30's to do this crap.

You bet I had a million questions. Not to mention how f$%king unfair and brutal it was for me and the kids.

But, I realized that there were no answers to be had. And I am at a point where I don't care about the answers any more.

How did you get there? this is my final struggle, if i can get over the need for answers, explinations and apologies i feel like ill be able to truly move on. Not knowing these things are what cause me to still second guess if I did anything wrong, what I could have done to prevent it and so on. The unanswered questions are what inherently cause me to miss her. How did you get there Makia?

If she was willing to shatter everything without even making an attempt to rectify things, it's on her. The kids will hold her accountable one day, and at least that will be one reckoning for her. I know I did that to my parents, and it changed my relationship with them.

So, she can sit in her own funeral when that day comes.

I agree with this 100%. She has claimed in the past"i grew up in a divorce household, im fine, S3 will be fine too"
Well firstly, no, you arent "Fine" really F***IN' far from it.
And S3 wont be fine either without some serious help and guidance thanks to you.
How are things between your EX and you now? How well do you do co-parenting?
Did she go through her phase of "hating you"?
I just cant wait for the day the GAL and 180's im doing and will have done fall into realization for her. it will be a good day.
Thanks Makia,
I really hoped you would throw $.02 on here and im very glad you did.

ive been doing mostly better, dont know why today has been so tough.
As much as i said it didnt bother me yesterday, maybe knowing she dropped my last name and our photos off her FB subconsciously ate away at some of my resolve.
Who knows.

Im still looking forward to this weekend quite a bit, and plan to enjoy myself.
GAL.

[OrangeK]

You will never make sense of what happened. TBH it is best if you just move on with your life. Easier said than done, I know but in the long run you will be better off for it.

Everyone keeps saying that, but its not like a button or a switch to be flipped. Ive tried, im trying. Easier said than done is the understatement of the year.
I feel awful when i admit this, but i had an easier time grieving the death of my brother. I know why, i understood it. I know all the pieces and parts that lead up to this horrific event, it took a long time to heal from, but not like its been with this WW situation.
And here's the rub, my other brother still struggles with the death of our eldest brother A LOT. Would ANYONE ever tell him to "Just move on with his life" regarding the death of a sibling? No way, not in a million years. that would be so taboo to say.
So why is a marital affair any different?
I think it speaks loudly of the state of marriage in the US when "Get over it and move on" is the adage of the day when dealing with this.

Im not trying to be hard on you Joseph, i appreciate your input a lot. its just a very frustrating thing to keep being told when my response has always been "Don't you wish i could just move on? Do you think i want to feel this way?"

[OrangeK]

Getting constantly blown off, ignored and stood up for dates isn't helping either.

I'm lonely as hell, yet becoming very disenfranchised and frustrated with the way I've been treated by other women.

the modern trend of "ghosting" when you become uninterested in a date is pretty harmful to self esteem. Just tell me you made other plans.
Getting stood up $uck$.
Having women never reply to a message once they know yore a parent $uck$.

i feel cursed.

[TBSakaJ9]

Like I said......EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

In the end it is your decision, your choice...if you want to reach out to her and ask all the questions then do so. If you think you will get those answers then go for it.

Same with moving on.....everyone grieves in their own way. Personally death would be harder on me and especially my children. For me, there is no comparison. I just know, from my experiences, I did not start to heal until I started letting go of the pain, anger, frustration and the need to know the reasons why.

Everyone's time table to do that is different.