Advice on My Scenario Pt. 8 - No Anger, Know Peace

[OrangeK]

**MAJOR RELAPSE** I came SO CLOSE to sending her such a long message. I typed it out and everything. I almost sent it 3 times. I am missing here again.

Uhg. I guess the high from doing well in court has worn off.
All last night and into this morning I have been plagued with regrets and nagging thoughts.
Im having 2nd thoughts about divorce again. I know WW is way off the rails, toxic and manipulative but yet i am still really not wanting to do this right now.
We haven't had a chance to talk at all. Im jealous of OM that he gets to spend family time with my family. I am jealous that ive been lonely as hell, for over a year now, 6 months of which i thought i was still in a successful marriage, while they had and have been enjoying each-other.
How can he be better? He isnt. Why him then? What was so bad about me? What did i do or say to cause you to devalue me so fast and hard?

I want to ask her "IS this REALLY what you want, before we totally destroy all we've built and made together, is this REALLY what you want?"

I know that would be pursuit, counter productive and would push her away further. I just don't get why.
What about the man who married her, wanting to stay married and make things work is so unappealing?

My son wants his family back so bad, he talks about Missing "Red home" (our old house I had to leave after WW left) and wanting to be with Mama and Dada together. It kills me because as much as ive been working on detachment and moving on, so do I. I may not want the woman who did this to me back, but i want the woman who was seemingly happy to be a family, who proudly posted about the man she loved and the beautiful child they made together.
I miss planning days with my family. I miss Sunday snuggles in bed together. I wanted to Father/Husband life with them. Now its gone forever. All because she couldn't talk to me about her issues, because she was abused as a child, doesn't realize it and wont seek therapy for it.


She claims one of the reasons things got so bad was because we fought so often, but until we were married we almost never fought about anything. She changed when we were wed, and that's when all the arguments started. She was never happy with anything, everything was always less than it should have been to her.

All i ever did was try to make life better for her, sure i got frustrated with parenting, with struggling financially, with losing social life because of being a parent, all normal marital issues.
She never said a word, never wanted to talk, never expressed her emotions.
It was always "I'm fine" or "nothing" when id ask what was bothering her.
Its because its ME that was bothering her.
Something I did, said or something that changed about me caused her to devalue me in her eyes. Once that began it was all downhill.

Last spring when i started to notice something was off i doubled my efforts to try and make her happy. I think this worked against me. This is when i should have started DBing, had i known about it. I maybe could have saved things here by not falling into NGS patterns. Who knows.

These are the what ifs and if i had's that plague me.
I have to try and convince myself that nothing i did would have changed the end result, but ill never be sure of that so its so hard not to doubt each step i took.

My brother told me yesterday she finally deleted all our wedding photos off her Facebook and changed her last name on there so its not mine, she just changed it to her middle name instead.
I wasn't bothered by this when i heard, in fact i happily said "Good!"
I find it interesting she kept things the same on her FB page for this long, and decided to change it the day after divorce hearing. Cant tell if that was an attempt to get a reaction out of me or she is just diverging from the situation. If it was the latter i would have expected her to do that months ago when she said things like "we don't HAVE a marriage" "I wasn't sure if i wanted a divorce but NOW i know i do!" and "I don't want a life with you anymore, i don't want to buy a house and live with you". SO why wait till now? this makes me think it was at least somewhat an attempt to get a reaction out of me.

This is why i am wondering about asking "IS this really what you want?"
Im not sure if it is what she wants, im not sure if she knows what she wants. extending the TRO is a pretty clear indicator i guess.

I try and remind myself, "Remember all she did to you, from day one" REMEMBER WHAT SHE IS.
But sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes all i can remember is the sweet adorable girl who stole my heart. That's who i want back, that's who i want to remember. That's who i want to realize what she threw away.

Ive tried to tell myself ill be happy with someone else, but i still dont see it.

This feels like a huge step back. I know she isnt good for me, and that i deserve better, but i cant seem to convince myself better exists.
Im really worried that im going to cave and ask her if this is what she wants, and pursue her again. I dont want to destroy all the groundwork ive laid. I know she isn't what i want her to be, and never was. Why cant i be 100% convinced of this?
Why do i still find myself missing that which i know is poisoned?
Why do i continue to flip back and forth?



Why did this have to happen to me? I would have preferred ANY OTHER tragedy.
I miss my family.
I miss my wife.



So. Many. Regrets.