My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[Surfer]

Ovrrnbw,

Rear your sitch yesterday. A few pointers that may help. Not,trying to give advice, just things that flag given my background. So take it all with a pinch of salt. You will need to form your own opinions and take your own path as each sitch is different.

First. Please can you add your stitch to your footer. Why? It helps respondents to remember the back story.

Second. Stop the overthinking. Is she trying to make you her bitch etc. Stop it all, it is so hard, I understand, but overthinking is you stuck in a rut. Climb out my friend.

Three. Run, gym, walk as much as you need. Running and heavy weights in particular. It stops overthinking.

Four. She may well try to make you engage in things that you know will end in war (google the drama triangle). Do not engage. Read about how to validate and acknowledge ( ok, sounds hard type stuff). Do not accept her story though. It s hers, try to drop emotional ties and no getting dragged in. Again see drama triangle behaviour. In these situations everything she says will have a pay off to her and an impact to your detriment. Is this clear? It is very important.

Five. GAL is for you. Forget her. She is no longer yours - as she is not who she was (weird eh but it is so I am afraid). Why hang around being hers when she is not her? She may come back - but you must work on the basis she may not, otherwise you are hanging in there like a lap dog and she will thrive on it. You said about her making you her bitch. Hang around and YOU are making YOU her bitch. She is now just a neighbour, someone you are decent to and never argue with but you will listen when she talks nicely even if it s difficult to do so. If she crosses boundaries (abuse/shouting) you close her down. Explain the boundary and move off - physically if necessary.

Six. 100 per cent you have no control over her. She is not who you thought she was. She is now someone else. Just drop whoever she is for now. If she picks up and does the work, great. If not. You will be fine. You might not want to hear this but your life will be better without the chaos no doubt. Focus on that, you are not so desperate and she wants you to be. DROP THE ROPE!

Seven. PURSUIT. Stop. Stop making her coffee etc in the morning to win her back. It will not work. You just look like you are desperate. Move on. If she changes her ways all well and good, if not, all good. Also, stop trying to measure her change. Only measure her on the day she leaves (you do not , ever it s your home) or if she changes and begs for forgiveness. The former is most likely, it may be followed by the latter.

Eight. I agree with other advice. Get in your bed. She will then move out. Every night it will send her her into stress not you. This is for her not you.

Nine. If she speaks about the D. Just validate. Say her journey not yours - do this kindly though (no point in starting a war). That s it. Be a man still even when kind. Dont come across as some limp lettuce emo-man. Feel free to say, sounds tricky. Then move on. If she presses you - just say Ive given you my thoughts. Other times let her talk more and just listen.

Ten. Get buff. Get out there doing something. If she asks who with - friends. If she asks again, repeat answer 1.

Eleven. Dont respond to her physical touch. Tell her you are not comfortable with it as you need someone that is committed to a R with you (she has said she is not) if she asks you why. Until you see her buy in you can not change this and will not. You bought in to a committed R not this.

Twelve. Do not talk to her parents or others about this (the only exception is your very closest friends and possibly family but make sure you are 100 per cent sure it will not get back. Every mouthful of anger you spill will need to be undone if this mends. You need max two or so people to talk to IMHO. This board will suffice if not. You must not talk to her parents or family again about the sitch.

Thirteen. Keep your text responses and calls brief. Like you are answering yes or no questions, but slightly less so. Do not call or chase her , give yourself a telling off if you are tempted.

Fourteen. You are still spinning, due to attachment. You must detach. This is where you are a bit meh on what she says or does she is not pulling your strings. Your asking why, how, is it this is evident of your mindset and your link to her. It takes lots of time to drop the rope but sadly each time you pick it up again you continue the habit. Like smoking , you are straight back to the depths of addiction. And it is a habit and you must go cold turkey on this my friend. Very difficult as you get a pay off when you chase her (perhaps she does care about me after all??) and so does she (watch this maggot squirm). Its pretty horrible dynamics, but thats your bag until you detach.

Fifteen. Dont freak out. We have all done exactly what you have. So similar for all of us. Its the playbook analogy. Just remember
a) this takes time to master it is all about changing habits - many at once!!
b) it is her rollercoaster not yours - its just about when, not if, you can learn that riding it only screws you up. Stop it. Its a habit that will not only damage you life, it will damage theirs and your loved ones.

Read my back story if you want to see how similar it is.


Finally, I can tell you that I see my kids and my WW almost daily. I am very, very happy (much more happy than when together with WW), so are the kids. They will be rounded and happy adults. She may not however. We get along and talk and rarely have a cross word. However, do I 100 per cent trust her - no.

New Mrs. Surfer is 6 yrs younger than WW and just the loveliest v smart (2 x MSC smart). 1.5 years in. Not a single cross word or look. Either way. Not like that with WW. Red flags with WW began within 6 months of R - I just thought it would be okay. I presumed she was like me - kind and forgiving. Not so. Reflect on your R! Did you have red flags. What were they?

You will be fine and happy. Just take it in bite size chunks and take back control.

A final point. She is wearing your testicles as earrings and I bet she loves to wear them and proudly shows them off. Take them back and stuff them firmly down the front of your trousers my friend.

Final, final point. ALWAYS keep your cool.

Surfer.