Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Brubeck]

Hi Gerda,

Catching up on your sitch again. Wow. Just incredible, how much you're keeping together. The business and the debts and the finances. It's so much work. I'm glad you got away.

You weren't kidding about the conflict-avoidance thing. I also let my W's spending get out of control in the beginning because she was accusing me of trying to control her when all I wanted was for her to keep within our budget.

I will not tell you to file for a divorce. If you ever switch from standing to leaving, I don't think it will be a decision. It will not be a choice for you. It will be something you do out of sheer survival. You won't quit your marriage, you will just be worn out of it.

Putting together the history of your financial situation, I haven't quite figured out if your debt is growing because of his continued MLC behavior.

I understand not rocking the boat because MLCers will rage and monster without provocation, but that doesn't mean you should let him keep poking holes in the boat (i.e. your house/family/life). He doesn't care if the boat is sinking, he is expecting you to fix it. He is busy trying to distract himself from the pain he's in by banging his head against a wall while trying to figure out why he has a headache.

I agree with everyone about job's suggestion for the spreadsheet. It allows him to see the situation in a frame of mind that he's comfortable with. Explaining this to him is useless. He's not going to listen, he's just looking for ammunition to start a fight - whatever you say.

What I'm driving at his, if he is making the financial situation worse, you have to re-design your budget to stop him.

I'm not telling you how to talk to him, but if you're the primary income earner, if you're working more hours than him, and if you're managing your household budget - You are the decision maker who's thinking best for the family. He is not. YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Anything and everything you do that isn't appeasement will make him Monster. What is the cost of keeping a situation quiet for him so he doesn't monster? He drags your family farther down into a pit.

I can't give you practical A-B-C financial advice, as I don't know the particulars of your situation. Some of your debt is his MLC craziness, and you sold off your side business because of his MLC behavior.

You've endured enough already, and he will keep this going as long as you're willing to put up with it. GALing includes taking care of yourself, and re-designing the family budget is all part of that.

He will respond with great anger, but what can he do besides that? He can get angry and/or he can file for divorce. That's all. If you proceed with how things are out of fear he'll file, well he's hoping for that. Make decisions that are best for your household. If those decisions make him angry and he monsters, that's his problem.

As for your son, he may very well be depressed - but he is also at that age where emotions are cranked up to nuclear levels anyway. Sulking and playing video games all day is par for the course for a teenager. I did plenty of loafing around and disengaging from my parents when I was that age.

The walking on eggshells is tough for us. We get so used to it that we don't always see the additional ways we contort ourselves so we don't stir our monster spouses.

I hate to hear you're lonely. I hope you get more moments of away time. I suggest evening walks after the day's work is done, to clear your head. I will be thinking of you tonight when I do the same.