Pool lessons

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. It's been a heck of a week. Whirlwind of family, tears, and confusion.

I'm worried about my sister. I know she's in a very vulnerable spot. I know she doesn't feel she fits in with the normal group and feels more at home with the tortured artist types (musicians and artists, who are also recovering or active junkies and addicts). But there is a high cost for being part of that scene. She's been paying that cost for 20+ years. At what point do you decide to give it up?

I feel like she should reconnect with people from the church we grew up in. They know her and care about her. And while they may be 'boring', they are also ALIVE. I guess I'm a little angry about this. It seems so clear to me.

My sister got married to a guy 15 years ago, but divorced him a couple of years later because he was 'boring'. She just wasn't feeling it. She ended up hooking up with a drummer who was an active heroin user and was extremely abusive for the last few years of their relationship. I can't say it to her so I'll say it to you all: DUH!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE. Look. There are surface things like looks and fashion. Then there are measures like money, status, and education level. Then you've got things like personalities, interests, goals and dreams, political views, and religion. But underneath all of that you have values and beliefs.

It's these values and beliefs that in my mind really define a person. Do they stay in their marriage or do they walk? Do they follow a destructive path and bring everyone around them down with it, or do they take care of themselves and then try to help guide others through?

I am VERY careful about who I am close friends with. My best friend is married with three kids, a committed husband, and active in his church. He's very reflective and holds himself to a high standard. He is also a very successful business man, top pool player, funny, smart, and I'd imagine most women would think good looking. But my point is that he inspires me to be more like him. I'm lucky to have a friend like him and he's made a positive impact on my life. My other friends share these qualities. And while I have some fondness with good acquaintances that have some checkered lives, I won't get too close with them because I know I become the average of my 5 closes friends and I want to push myself in the right direction.

I just don't understand why people get so hung up on the surface things. So many people are careless with who they let into their lives. When it comes to partnering up most claim they care most about the values and beliefs (or they admit they want the unicorn partner that is a clean sweep on all levels), but there are so many examples of how this isn't what people do in practice.

I get it. The superficial is appealing and easier to identify, and we are animals that are influenced by emotions and hormones. But isn't there a point where we can become humans who transcend those? It's like the whole 'men want good looking girls and women want bad boys' thing. OK, that's fine, each to their own...but is that really how you're going to determine who you build a life with?

I am frustrated with my sister for leaving her husband who was an awesome guy. Oh, I don't know what went on behind closed doors but I do know that in her post divorce narrative she never accused him of anything nasty. And you all know how rare that is. Why did she leave him? For an abusive junkie? And then for another guy who would destroy her life and hopes of ever having a family?

I guess it wakes up feelings about why I'm where I'm at as well. Why did I get BD'd? I never closed my fist in anger. I didn't call her horrible names. I didn't refuse to get a job, or drink, or anything crazy. Looking back at the man I was in my 20s I was immature, lacked relationship skills, and definitely wasn't a great husband. But I was a rookie. I was still learning the job. I just will never understand why I was dumped any more than why my sister left her husband. And it's not just XW or my sister. These boards are filled with the same story.

I'm ok. These are just some of the questions I got numb to asking years ago. I understand why it was triggered, and now I can let go and keep going down my road. Meanwhile I can be there for my sister and give her a bump in the right direction when she's open to it now and then, but ultimately it's her road. This is hard to type but I'm I'm pessimistic about the quality and duration of her future. That stinks. A lot. Having her still here but feeling this sense of doom that something horrible is going to happen and you can't stop it.

She's my sister and I love her and don't want that. I just want to stop time so I don't have to see her taken away.