**MAJOR RELAPSE** I came SO CLOSE to sending her such a long message. I typed it out and everything. I almost sent it 3 times. I am missing here again.
Uhg. I guess the high from doing well in court has worn off. All last night and into this morning I have been plagued with regrets and nagging thoughts. Im having 2nd thoughts about divorce again. I know WW is way off the rails, toxic and manipulative but yet i am still really not wanting to do this right now. We haven't had a chance to talk at all. Im jealous of OM that he gets to spend family time with my family. I am jealous that ive been lonely as hell, for over a year now, 6 months of which i thought i was still in a successful marriage, while they had and have been enjoying each-other. How can he be better? He isnt. Why him then? What was so bad about me? What did i do or say to cause you to devalue me so fast and hard?
I want to ask her "IS this REALLY what you want, before we totally destroy all we've built and made together, is this REALLY what you want?"
I know that would be pursuit, counter productive and would push her away further. I just don't get why. What about the man who married her, wanting to stay married and make things work is so unappealing?
My son wants his family back so bad, he talks about Missing "Red home" (our old house I had to leave after WW left) and wanting to be with Mama and Dada together. It kills me because as much as ive been working on detachment and moving on, so do I. I may not want the woman who did this to me back, but i want the woman who was seemingly happy to be a family, who proudly posted about the man she loved and the beautiful child they made together. I miss planning days with my family. I miss Sunday snuggles in bed together. I wanted to Father/Husband life with them. Now its gone forever. All because she couldn't talk to me about her issues, because she was abused as a child, doesn't realize it and wont seek therapy for it.
She claims one of the reasons things got so bad was because we fought so often, but until we were married we almost never fought about anything. She changed when we were wed, and that's when all the arguments started. She was never happy with anything, everything was always less than it should have been to her.
All i ever did was try to make life better for her, sure i got frustrated with parenting, with struggling financially, with losing social life because of being a parent, all normal marital issues. She never said a word, never wanted to talk, never expressed her emotions. It was always "I'm fine" or "nothing" when id ask what was bothering her. Its because its ME that was bothering her. Something I did, said or something that changed about me caused her to devalue me in her eyes. Once that began it was all downhill.
Last spring when i started to notice something was off i doubled my efforts to try and make her happy. I think this worked against me. This is when i should have started DBing, had i known about it. I maybe could have saved things here by not falling into NGS patterns. Who knows.
These are the what ifs and if i had's that plague me. I have to try and convince myself that nothing i did would have changed the end result, but ill never be sure of that so its so hard not to doubt each step i took.
My brother told me yesterday she finally deleted all our wedding photos off her Facebook and changed her last name on there so its not mine, she just changed it to her middle name instead. I wasn't bothered by this when i heard, in fact i happily said "Good!" I find it interesting she kept things the same on her FB page for this long, and decided to change it the day after divorce hearing. Cant tell if that was an attempt to get a reaction out of me or she is just diverging from the situation. If it was the latter i would have expected her to do that months ago when she said things like "we don't HAVE a marriage" "I wasn't sure if i wanted a divorce but NOW i know i do!" and "I don't want a life with you anymore, i don't want to buy a house and live with you". SO why wait till now? this makes me think it was at least somewhat an attempt to get a reaction out of me.
This is why i am wondering about asking "IS this really what you want?" Im not sure if it is what she wants, im not sure if she knows what she wants. extending the TRO is a pretty clear indicator i guess.
I try and remind myself, "Remember all she did to you, from day one" REMEMBER WHAT SHE IS. But sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes all i can remember is the sweet adorable girl who stole my heart. That's who i want back, that's who i want to remember. That's who i want to realize what she threw away.
Ive tried to tell myself ill be happy with someone else, but i still dont see it.
This feels like a huge step back. I know she isnt good for me, and that i deserve better, but i cant seem to convince myself better exists. Im really worried that im going to cave and ask her if this is what she wants, and pursue her again. I dont want to destroy all the groundwork ive laid. I know she isn't what i want her to be, and never was. Why cant i be 100% convinced of this? Why do i still find myself missing that which i know is poisoned? Why do i continue to flip back and forth?
Why did this have to happen to me? I would have preferred ANY OTHER tragedy. I miss my family. I miss my wife.
So. Many. Regrets.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Orange, I see you often ask questions as to why the WAS is the way they are.
Sometimes there are no explanation, sometimes it's really a lot of speculation.
I do know even if you come to a likely answer, it really won't change a darned thing.
I know, because I became obsessed with trying to figure out how my ex could be such an awful person, how he can totally lack remorse. There area bunch of different possibilities, neither of which truly make a difference. I just knew I had to be ok with the person I am, not the person he is.
Of course, going forward, I look out for red flags and try not to ignore them, but even if I find them in a potential partner, I don't need to understand the "why". They are there no matter the reason.
Orange, I see you often ask questions as to why the WAS is the way they are.
Sometimes there are no explanation, sometimes it's really a lot of speculation.
I do know even if you come to a likely answer, it really won't change a darned thing.
I know, because I became obsessed with trying to figure out how my ex could be such an awful person, how he can totally lack remorse. There area bunch of different possibilities, neither of which truly make a difference. I just knew I had to be ok with the person I am, not the person he is.
Of course, going forward, I look out for red flags and try not to ignore them, but even if I find them in a potential partner, I don't need to understand the "why". They are there no matter the reason.
My need to understand is born from the fact that none of this makes sense at all. I am a type of person who needs to understand the why and the how. I cannot seem to just say "well this happened, and i know ill never understand it, so i just need to forget about it and move on" I cant do that. I've tried. For months. Our entire life together leading up to this doesn't match up with what shes done. SHE wanted to have a child, SHE wanted to get married, SHE was the one to always bring up what house she liked and what our life as older couple would be like. SO when she obtained all she had hoped for, it instantly became rotten and useless. this doesn't make sense to me, and until i am finally able to move on somehow or she offers some type of explanation or apology, it will continue to bother me it seems.
I want the person i knew back, not this cursed version of her.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Another question i want to ask her that has been floating around my head for weeks is something to the effect of
"Why do you hate me? Why do you need to be so mean? Im not the bad guy, I didn't do anything wrong to you, All I ever did was try and save our marriage, to save what we had built. Why do you treat me like this when all i ever did was love you?"
Or even "Why do you hate me? there no need for us to act like enemies, we loved each-other once. What did I do to make you hate me like this?"
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
"How do you sleep at night knowing what you've done to a person you said you'd love and support forever? Knowing that you tore your son away from his family and he is hurting now?"
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, you will drive yourself nuts wondering those things. I know, I've been there.
A very unknown band Arcade (lead singer from Ratt) put it like this:
Quote:
Is it a crime Wastin' my time I'll tell you my friend
Till the very end
Havin' you close Right by my side You're the only one The only one
Remember the time We ran away I think back today Ya know we couldn't stay
You took me so far Wished on a star What am I gonna do So far away from you
How can something so good Turn out so bad Make you so sad Would you understand If I could take all the tears I've cried thru the years Would you understand
When I'm alone What's there to say There's nobody home They've gone out to play I sit by the phone Wait for your call But it never came It came too late
How can something so good Turn out so bad Make you so sad Would you understand If I could take all the tears I've cried thru the years Would you understand
Only if you can see You'd be so proud of me I'll see you in heaven I've made up my mind Life does go on When you're goin' strong You can do no wrong
How can something so good Turn out so bad Make you so sad Would you understand If I could take all the tears I've cried thru the years Would you understand
How can something so good Turn out so bad Make you so sad Would you understand If I could take all the tears I've cried thru the years Would you understand
Good song, but the point is clear. We always wonder this. None of this stuff makes sense. And there is no one answer. It is something that happens slowly over time, like soil erosion. From day to day you can't see a difference but then over time you find that the ground that once was beneath you is gone.
But you aren't alone. We all wonder that. I think the need to understand is like any other problem solving issue. If we can understand what went wrong we can either fix it, or prevent it from happening again. But there are some people that cannot be fixed. No matter if you get to the root cause or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It bothered me for a long time until I realized how wondering drained me so much and I had less to give to my child, myself, my career, everything. Don't let it get to that point.
My ex really wanted a child. we went through IVF to have her. Reality of a child hit..... while I was pregnant.... and he left me for another woman. He has a visitation schedule, has no want for more time, and when he remarried he was 31. Plenty of time for another kid with his new bride! He wanted more when he was with me.... His wife has no kids and wanted them, but he did not. He even told my friend "I can barely handle one part time" He also can't have the same woman be his wife that is the mother of his child, because he IS a child and needs all the attention.
Some people obtain all they want and then when they actually have it, they can't handle the reality of it.
My point is, there are actually a bunch of reasons that makes sense to HER. They can also make sense to us, even though we believe them to be wrong.
I was around your age when this all happened. I was 27, he was 28, he left when our daughter was 6 months old. I am 10 years older now and boy have I learned a lot.
Just pay attention to when the wondering begins to suck the life force out of you. Because trust me, even if you get the answers it doesn't change a thing and you handed your energy and power over to something that is a moot point.
"How do you sleep at night knowing what you've done to a person you said you'd love and support forever? Knowing that you tore your son away from his family and he is hurting now?"
The answers to these questions will be something you don't want to hear or don't agree with, and will not satisfy you anyway.
**MAJOR RELAPSE** I came SO CLOSE to sending her such a long message. I typed it out and everything. I almost sent it 3 times. I am missing here again.