maybe my WW is actually a MLC

[Ste7e]

Thanks for chiming in
Below is a break down of how the MLC traits apply.
LIke I said before I am not completely certain that I am dealing with a WAW, WW or MLC?
When things began I was in what could have been seen as a MLC without the acting out. I have wondered if my W is just a WAW because when this began it was all about me and all my shortcomings. Was she just detaching from what she saw as a MLC in me? But as time went on she started to act more like a WW without a known EA or PA. And everything stopped being about me at all especially when I started making changes to the things addressed and it all became about her. She is also not willing to give me any information when I ask her about what is going on...the only thing I have gotten a couple times is that she has a "process" she is working on...what that process is she will not say.
Any insight is helpful and I am also willing to admit that I had a MLC too I am just learning at this stage.

Depression sign #1: MLC'ERS WILL OFTEN VIEW THEIR LBS AND THEMSELVES AS ONE PERSON

She is unhappy within and not seeing happiness from me thinks I need to be replaced or just get lost. I have also been guilty of seeking happiness externally through her but am actively working on finding my own happiness within. The big difference is I do not need to replace or lose W to be happy.

Depression sign #2: MLC'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SUSTAIN AND MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL AS RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

W will hear/interpret what she thinks I am saying rather than hearing what really is being said. She hears blame rather than suggestions or means to problem solve. She thinks everything I say is some form of control when I am simply asking for clarification.

Depression sign #3: MLC'S HAVE DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES.

I will own this one more than my W. Although she has said in the past that she depends on my emotional support but gives none back. I was left to take care of the house and felt like a caretaker but as she was emotionally unavailable I felt frustrated by my "helping" actions. Also things became financially muddied and I was dependent for awhile on her which made the situation worse. She enabled some really bad behavior in me which I have since broken free of and am tackling.

Depression sign #4: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO SHOW EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

This one is completely my W but I also had some traumas I was going through.

"ML'ers are unable to stand the emotional pain they are creating. They become distant and indifferent to their loved ones. They view the LBS's as the cause of their own suffering and therefore treat them as strangers/enemies."

Depression sign #5: ML'ERS ARE EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKERS

W was raised alone in the woods as she puts it. She longs to be the center of attention but wont admit it. I have been criticized for not giving her attention.

Depression sign #6: ML'ERS ARE SELF-CENTERED

Yep 100% W would constantly write people off and write them out of her life. Empathy was the opposite of how she would act unless it served her.

"It is all about them. As they become more absorbed in finding themselves, everyone else in their past life gradually becomes more and more obsolete."

Depression sign #7: ML'ER'S ARE UNABLE TO TRUST

I am also more guilty of this one. I have had some seriously bad trust relationships in the past and I have abandonment issues. I am not sure if my W has trust issues beyond her not trusting me to become a better version of myself. Maybe this relates to the heroism thing?

Depression sign #8: ML'ERS ARE UNABLE TO HANDLE STRESS

Yep she freaks out under stress no relationship talks possible. She shuts down and pushes away immediately. I was also guilty of this but probablly afraid of feeling her wrath.

Depression Sign #9: ML'ERS REWRITE HISTORY

Oh yeah she says she should have never gotten married that everything was bad etc. I am not alone in thinking this does not match the reality. Everyone I know is shocked how we broke up as they thought we were perfect?

Depression Sign #10: MOST ML'ERS HAVE AFFAIRS

I do not have confirmation of this and I am not going to snoop, but I have suspected but I need to be careful about this because I have trust issues and will choose to believe her until proven otherwise. That said she is very defensive when I even suggest such a thing, and if she is honest with me she has a right to be defensive.

Depression sign #11: ML'ERS ARE CONTROL FREAKS

Yes to all below (but I too have been guilty of a few of these as I have had control issues of my own)

verbally/physically abusive, manipulating, complaining, criticizing, blaming, saying things like "I want a divorce", "I never loved you", "I love you, but I am not in love with you", being impossible to please,

Moving constantly, traveling more than usual, changing jobs, changing what they eat, changing how they dress, changing their overall appearance, what they drive, changing their friends, replacing their spouse, replacing their children, etc....


Depression sign #12: ML'ERS HAVE EXTREME ANGER/RAGING/SPEWING

W is 50/50 on this one when it spews it spews

Depression Sign #13: ML'ERS ARE INDIFFERENT

YEP 100%

"without interest or concern, not caring, disinterested, impartial and apathetic. Nothing is harder to live with than an indifferent person. Ml'ers are indifferent primarily toward their past life. They are no longer interested in what the LBS, children, relatives, dog, cat, best friend, or church group are doing. They could care less about the lawn being cut, the algae in the pool, the leaking roof, or the bills being paid. Their past life no longer exists. They truly become "aliens" to people who love them. There are many reasons why this happens. ML'ers are self absorbed and don't want to focus on anyone but themselves. ML'ers no longer want any responsibility in their lives and just want to have fun and freedom. People and things of the past remind the ML'er of their failures. What better way to not have to deal with their pain then to pretend people and things don't exist anymore."


Depression sign #14: ML'ERS CAN BE NARCISSISTIC

Yep 100%

Depression sign #15: ML'ERS MAKE POOR DECISIONS

W is from I can tell great at job terrible at relationship. Sacrificed relationship for job.

Depression sign #16: ML'ERS ARE POOR MONEY MANAGERS

Yep W was always terrible with money

Depression sign #17: MOST ML'ERS ARE ABUSIVE

Yep W does all the beginning ones

A. Withholding: By withholding love, affection, accolades, sex, children, communication, etc.. the Ml'er is saying I have something you want and I can withhold it from you. The Ml'er can take this even a step further by withholding love and affection from you and then giving it to someone else.

B. Discounting: By discounting the LBS' perceptions, the Ml'er is saying I can point out your uselessness.

C. Accusing and blaming: By blaming the LBS, the Ml'er is saying the LBS is to blame for their pain no matter what they do to you so they don't have to stop or be accountable.

D. Judging and criticizing: By judging the LBS, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that when I tell you that something is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you.

I have been guilty of these later ones

E. Threatening: This a way for the ML'er to have control over the LBS to imply that they will take away something valuable to them, such as family life, financial stability, home, etc....

F. Name Calling: By calling names, the Ml'er is saying to the LBS that they are worthless and don't exist.

G. Denial: By denying what they are doing to you, the Ml'er can keep everything like it is and not take any responsibility for their behavior.

H. Abusive anger: By being extremely angry and raging, the Ml'er is saying as long as I am scary I can have my way.


Depression sign #18: ML'ERS MAY ABUSE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS

Yep although W seems to moderate to some extent. But because I have been sober for over 10 years this was mostly when I was around. Left to her own devices she parties.

Depression sign #19: ML'ERS CAN EXPERIENCE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

Yep this goes both ways though. W changed birth control a couple years ago and her sex drive tapered off. Mine also tapered off for a couple years as I was depressed. I also have been dealing with some sexual trauma on my end and that had negative consequences in the bedroom.

Depression sign #20: SOME MLERS EXHIBIT JEALOUSY

This one is more me that W if she was jealous I couldn't directly read it. I only became jealous once she starte dpulling away in the last 6 months.

Depression sign #21: ML'ERS ARE FULL OF SELF-PITY

I have heard this multiple times

"You cannot love me like I need to be loved"

Depression Sign #22: ML'ERS DON'T WANT ANY RESPONSIBILITY

Yep this is my W

"Before their crisis, most Ml'ers were very responsible, productive members of their home and work environment. Not anymore. Life is a party and they want to have fun."

Depression sign #23: ML'ERS ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM

Oh man everything I say is read as critical or controlling. I was told that her real friends don't question anything she does why do I...umm because you are my W and I care?

Depression sign #24: ML'ERS USE PROJECTION AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM

I'm sur ethis is going on I just don't know specifically how. I do know that W would conflate me with other people and project her disappointement of them on me.

Depression sign #25: ML'ERS CREATE CONFLICT/ARGUMENTS WITH LOVED ONES

This one goes both ways we are both guilty of this

Depression sign #26: ML'ERS ARE IN DENIAL

Yep W 100%...I was probablly in some for of denial during my depression too but part of why I was depressed was because I was aware of my shortcomings but couldn't figure out how to fix them.

Depression sign #27: ML'ERS BECOME VERY COMPETITIVE WITH LOVED ONES

Yep this is my W favorite sport. Apparently she has done this in all her relationships.

Depression sign #28: ML'ERS HAVE MAJOR MOOD SWINGS

Yep we are both guilty of this

Depression sign #29: ML'ERS ARE MANIPULATIVE

My W second favorite sport. IN her defense I think she is aware of this one and it is something she wants to change about herself.

Depression sign #30: ML'ERS HAVE WITHDRAWING/ABANDONING BEHAVIORS

Well she abandoned me and most of her old friends so yes