Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

My mom was a perfectionist, and I became very much like her.......which I know, now, must have driven my H crazy. If company was expected, my family dreaded living with me while I prepared everything to be just perfect. I have overcome a lot of those tendicies. But I do understand how it could affect your W. But guess what? It is the perfectionist's problem. It should not be the spouse's problem, too. However, it becomes the spouse's problem, just trying to figure out how to live with her.

You've said no matter how much you clean the house, or even if she says it looks good......it doesn't seem to make her happy. I learned that it is important to men that their W is happy. I also learned it is up to the individual to make themselves happy. You will probably never make your W happy though cleaning the house. You can only do your best, as a way of sharing responsibility and showing you do care. The rest is up to her. You will feel defeated every time, if you see this as way of making her happy. It just ain't gonna happen! However, if you feel you've done the best you could in the allotted time you had and the conditions or whatever, then that should be your measuring stick to use.

This may be necessary in order for you to live with her in some kind of peaceful environment......but, don't do it expecting to make your W happy. Make sense? She can be glad, mad, or sad. It's up to her, just as long as she doesn't take it out on you. And, if she does, then you call her out. You don't jump in to help her do something else she finds to clean after your hard work. Apparently, this is some type of thing she has to do......but if it is OCD or whatever, it is her issue, not yours. Don't make it yours.

Whatever her inner problems are that causes her unhappiness, she'll have to figure it out, other than blaming it on you, or expecting you to "make" her feel a certain way.

This is such an important concept and was a great reminder.

True, but she just can't deal with in the same logical way that you do. It's like she loves the dogs, but get upset at them (or you) for shedding hair. I'm glad they are not just your dogs you brought into the relationship, b/c that would not have been a good situation.

I love your insights, Sandi. They help me get away from own narrow perspective and try to see through my W's.

This is just superficial stuff she is finding as excuses. Any MC worth their weight in salt could help with these issues. She could read almost any marriage help book and learn how to deal with this shallow stuff. IDK what she'll do if you guys should have a major problem to hit (not saying her cheating isn't major enough).

She is also trying to manipulate you into giving her the MBR. Just tell her she is welcome to sleep in the bed with you, but you are not leaving it. Don't go into explanations. I suggest that you go several days without addressing any issues you've recently covered. If she brings it up......you can listen. If you have to give an answer or response, keep it short & sweet.

I agree and that's why it's frustrating she won't even try. Anyway, this is exactly what I have done/am planning to do. I've made it clear I'm not leaving the bed, but she is welcome to sleep in it and I am not to be blamed for her being banished to the spare room. I don't plan on addressing any issues and just seeing how settling in goes. Like you said, one day at a time.

That's up to you. If you think it could draw you closer, then go for it. If you don't want her along, then maybe you should go at a different time. Here's what I am thinking, 44. She is not totally reconciled to coming around to what you want, but she could be showing a lot worse behavior and being much colder than she's been since returning from the trip. So, you might want to consider it. The workout could take some of that b'tchiness out of her and benefit in several other ways. Know what I mean? Play it by ear.

This is very helpful, thank you. I do think it is something she would really enjoy and appreciate me for introducing her to it. But it is a significant GAL activity and I go back to that internal struggle I just discussed in the above post. I would love her to join me and I do think it could draw us closer, but I don't know if it would be a detriment to my personal goals (detachment, etc).

Your sentence in bold is exactly how I feel.

Well, she may take it deeper underground. Try not to be obsessed about it. If she's contacting him, she'll slip up eventually.

Exactly.

Have you considered reading a book on time management, or taking a workshop or something that would help you with your individual problem of hyper-focusing?

Yes, and I plan to dive into a couple shortly. I have dabbled with resources for it before and there is a lot out there. It is definitely something I plan to address.

I wouldn't say you need to prove to your W your assignments, etc, and I'm not suggesting you wait to do it in front of her. However, you could mention to her in daily conversation what you had to study or how much time was spent on your study/assignments that day. (Look at your clock when you start and again when you finish the work). And, if she ever gets in one of her "work" moods or sulks, you can always tell her you have to study/homework.......and then leave her with it. Make sense? As talkative as you were, I assumed you probably discussed it, but I could see her considering it "boring" or over her head. I just think you have nothing much to do all day, and she wants to keep you busy. Some people simply can't stand to think about their S not working at something when they aren't together. Crazy, but true.

These thoughts are really helpful.

I think she has grown to expect all your time to be spent on her....some way, some how. Yes, this is partly your fault, b/c she is spoiled. When she is home, she expects 100% of your attention. That's why she doesn't want you on the computer/phone....but thinks it's fine for her. First, try leading by example. If she doesn't follow, then I suggest you might bring it up in causal conversation. See if she would agree that whenever watching tv together, eating together, or other things together......that neither of you use that time for phone or IPad activity. (Electronics should not be carried to the table when eating). Not as a way to control, but out of consideration. It is highly rude manners, IMHO, but I am old school.

This is a great idea. I have already tried this a bit and can tell that when I don't touch my electronics, she is hesitant to touch hers. Or if I do, she will follow right away. It is actually kind of a fun experiment that reminds me of some of the "core" techniques MWD writes about in DR.


In other news, she slept in the bed last night. I don't know if it means she will continue to, but I have felt she was teetering closer and closer on this issue since she got back. She came in so we could get travel plan and we spent a few hours researching and booking a trip for a few weeks from now (comically, we are taking a trip to Paris. Also going a couple other places). Then, we let the dogs out and locked up for the night and she just came back to the bed. :shrug: