My DB story.

[SteveLW]

Welcome to the board, and thanks for your story. It is always good to hear people that have come through the storm and out the other side.

You mention financial stress as a big source of your problems, but what 180s did you do to help turn your sitch around?

Also, if you could spend some time enumerating two lists for us: things that worked, and things that didn't.

I am a big on saying that everyone's sitch is different. However, there are similarities between sitches. One of the similarities between our sitches is that we caught the A and confronted it prior to WAS initiated BD. I really think that makes a big difference on how you should proceed. Obviously when a WAS comes to you and says that they are done with the MR and moving out, or leaving the MBR, or taking other huge steps right away, the way that the LBS should proceed is a lot different than in our sitches.

For instance, I've mentioned in my thread that I instituted another experts "talk charges" and "touch charges". Talk charges are short conversations you have with your spouse about fun, or exciting, or interesting topics, and then you end the conversation. They should be 30-60 seconds and can even be done over VM. The touch charges are non-sexual touching of your spouse. It can be as simple as placing your hand on their shoulder as you pass behind them in the kitchen, or even laying close to them in bed in the morning before getting up for the day.

I do not believe those tactics work after a WAS initiated BD, but it can work if your sitch is caught prior to that. Since it is a sort of pursuit, your S needs to still be open to that sort of activity for it to do more good than harm.

I had some posters suggest that small pursuits like that couldn't work along with DB techniques, however, I really think it did in my sitch since detaching and self-differentiating and letting her go start to bring her out of her fog fairly early on, and then the small pursuits gave her a sense that she could be safe again in the MR.

My situation was also different than a lot of others (and it appears yours was this too) in that her EA was long distance and online only. And that the OM ended it fairly quickly after I discovered it.

Fascinating topic since we tend to get so few to come back and share their stories post D or R.