This minimizes my hope- but as you all say, If i work on me to be the best me then in the end I still win with or without W.
My intentions were not to decrease your hope, but to explain that you are not approaching your sitch in the right way. The LBH could almost do the opposite of what his emotions tell him.....and come closer to doing what he needs to do when a WW is in the picture.
Think back to the days long before you ever had a thought about getting M. How would you have responded to some female who treated you like cr@p and than cheated on you? I'd be interested in knowing. Was she the only girl you ever dated? Were you ever in another long term relationship?
Currently, thinking of her in terms of her being your wife, can mess with your head. You'll still think of her as being the girl you M, and she is far from it. Neither will you be able to respond, approach, or interact with her the way you have done in the past. I can assure you that part of the problem today is how you dealt (maybe that's not a suitable word) or interacted with her in the past. Who would you say was mostly in charge? Who gave or apologized first?
Every woman who is in a female-male relationship wants a dominant man. Not domineering, but dominant. If you don't know what I mean, google how to be a dominant man in your relationship, or how a husband acts like a dominant male in marriage.......something along those lines, until you get sufficient information. I wish I could tell what site to pull up, but I can't. Just look around. Also, check out the alpha man. Don't fall for any of that "pick up artist" cr@p. I'm talking about how to be a real alpha man in a real relationship.......not picking up a one night stand. If the message is to single guys about dating, move on. There are some fairly decent YouTube, too.
If you are a man with Nice Guy Syndrome, you'll need to read everything you can find on the subject. You can't nice back a wayward W. She'll try to eat cake every chance she gets, so you have to toughen up and learn how to avoid some pitfalls. Depending on how manipulative she may be, as to how much tough love you'll need to apply.....but there is only one thing all WW's respect. Strength! She needs and wants a man who is stronger than she is. She tested you throughout the MR, and saw you were weaker and would not stand up to her. Therefore, she lost respect, and that caused her to lose attraction for you. So, in order to get her back.....you'll have to be much stronger than you've ever been, and then keep it up if she returns. If you can't, you might as well close the books on this M.
One of the first things nice guys usually ask is, "How can I show her I am stronger if we aren't living together"? "How can I show her 180's, if we never see each other"? I'd first say if that's the case then you are lucky. Then I'd say you need time to learn how to deal with a barracuda......so, don't worry about not seeing her enough, if that's the case.
Besides, if you are truly getting a life like there is no tomorrow, she'll hear about it and check to see what's going on. By "check", I mean temperature check you to see how emotionally attached you are to her....and it doesn't usually happen like the H thinks it will. She'll find some reason to contact you, and when she does, you need to be ready. Most H's will report how badly they messed up when the WW temp checks and he'll say it caught him off guard. Once you get a better understanding (well, scratch that, b/c you'll never understand, but you'll learn more what to expect). I can't say it enough.....get informed.
I believe there is a difference in the wayward wife and a W who was basically driven away from her H, due to his cruelty, imprisonment, addictions, some impossible situation, etc. In other words, the wife who has to leave to protect herself and her children from the husband.....does not have a selfish, hidden agenda. The wayward W is all about herself. She has a huge sense of entitlement, and is motivated by pure selfishness. We have seen some WW's even placing her desires above the welfare of her children. I fully agree with the DR book's advice for the WAS. However, MWD does not separate the wayward from the others, just in case you wonder. She does not use the term "wayward", that I am aware. There are a couple of things I don't think works with a WW. (1) You can't be "friends" with a wayward. You can be polite and civil. Maybe some day down the road, you can even be friend-ly when you have to interact. However, you can not be her friend. I can explain more later, if you'd like. (2) You cannot draw the WW into reconciliation by doing more family activities with her. If living under the same roof, some things can't be helped (such as eating the evening meal). However, if physically separated, then there should be no problem in not doing any activities as a family with her. You may foresee it as such, but we can discuss it as those things come up.
I have several threads on the mindset of a WW, and what H's should do and not do.....if you'd care to read them. I'll try to answer any questions you may have. I don't pretend to know all the answers....and sometime there's just no way to explain crazy.
Your W's mindset is not logical, therefore, you cannot reason with her. Don't even try.
If I could only write one statement to LBH's with a WW, it would be, "Stop trying to save a MR with a wayward W". Do you find this shocking to read on a D busting board? Well, read it again.....and again..... until it makes sense.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
