Originally Posted By: Steve85

YIt is hard because of the human dynamic I mentioned above, but it is so important to avoid that behavior. WAWs are very sensitive to pursuit and pressure. Initiating R talks are pursuit and pressure.


BD was early January and for pretty much the next 2 months i broke the worse Dbing rules regularly.
On March the 6th our 14th wedding anniversary I started Dbing. I am proud to say I haven't tested the waters trying to initiate MR discussions at all. I know she doesn't want to discuss it by her other words, actions and all the answers she gave me when I was pressuring. Also she has said things like, when we go away for a week I want no MR discussion while I'm trapped abroad with you and that's still a month away. It's slowly sinking in how long this could take.

I might not have tried to initiate MR talks in the last 10 weeks but I am guilty of pursuing and pressure in all sorts of other ways. My Mr Nice Guy behaviour, helping round the house, doing things for her with expectations she'll be pleased, requesting all 4 of us have family days out.

I am now well into the process of stopping this behaviour, the stuff i still do regularly isn't pressuring and is done with no expectations. Family time is requested by her, as is every interaction. For example as I was leaving the family home (earlier than necessary) after eating with them, she asked if I will pick D10 up from tennis after work on Thu and bring her home, so W can make tea for us all.

The Pursuer Distance theory seems to have really helped with initiating contact and requesting meets. The thing I haven't been doing is making myself unavailable (when I'm really free) for some requests, I am trying to implement this immediately but its hard to overcome the counter-intuitiveness.

Originally Posted By: Steve85


So yes, be prepared because eventually it will come up. And be prepared, it usually comes up as a mini-BD #2. "You know I'm done because I already told you that." Remember my favorite sandi rule: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WAWs are notorious for insisting that their previous proclamation is still the law of the land, even when you can see her having doubts and second thoughts through her actions.





If she initiates MR talk after all this time and drops mini-BD #2. "You know I'm done because I already told you that." - I'll be devestated but hopefully remember Sandi's fab rule. It will be like not moving away with a rabid dog breathing in my face though. I presume I'll just have to validate without agreeing?


Originally Posted By: Steve85

So you started instituting changes. You gave her space (maybe too much but that is water under the bridge). This has caused her to start questioning her pronouncements on BD. My wife had a last couple of rebellious moments against the MR about 2 months in, before all of her words and actions changed to being back into the MR.

Understand, even now if I push her too hard on things, she starts to retreat. This is the whole pursuit and pressure dynamic. I save all of our R discussions to happen during MC, where she feels safe to speak openly.

Thanks for informing me of your sitch, I'm impressed and a bit jealous you got her committed to your MR with her words and actions in only 2 months. I was still breaking the rules 2 months in.
Its interesting that 3 months after that pressure still makes her retreat and MR talk is saved for MC.

Originally Posted By: Steve85


So give her time, eventually she will want to address where things are. In the meantime, view limbo as the gift of time to show her the new you.



As you know I've felt stuck in limbo for what feels like a lifetime now, but this gem you have giving me has completely 180'd my thinking on this " In the meantime, view limbo as the gift of time to show her the new you."

Thank you so much for that.


LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18
D 11 S 14
BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18
3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18
I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes)
...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!