Thanks Steve, I am starting to see the decision to move out might have been the wrong one, and I am sure I haven't been man enough or stood up for myself enough in this situation. I have just bought "No More Mr Nice Guy" which might help me finally man up.
I will remember your advice to stop fixating on the R discussion, it makes a lot of sense to instead, prepare for when the discussion finally happens.
I am finally getting that detachment is key, and praying I'll get better at it sooner rather than later.
Me 46, W 46 D 10, S 13 M 14 years T 17 years Bomb 01/18 Moved out (at her request) 01/18 EA Discovered: 02/18
Again you seem to be doing a lot of good things now. Keep it up.
We humans are interesting creatures. We like to talk about what is top of mind. So when we get into the stress of MR problems, that weigh on our mind all of the time, we find a need to want to talk about it.
You said she doesn't want to discuss it, which implies that you are occasionally testing the waters and trying to initiate. One of the first rules of DBing is not to initiate R talks. It is hard because of the human dynamic I mentioned above, but it is so important to avoid that behavior. WAWs are very sensitive to pursuit and pressure. Initiating R talks are pursuit and pressure.
So yes, be prepared because eventually it will come up. And be prepared, it usually comes up as a mini-BD #2. "You know I'm done because I already told you that." Remember my favorite sandi rule: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. WAWs are notorious for insisting that their previous proclamation is still the law of the land, even when you can see her having doubts and second thoughts through her actions.
My W would alternate between talking about the future with me, and then reminding me that she wanted out. To say that she was conflicted was an understatement. Even worse, her words were conflicting with other words, but definitely in conflict with her actions.
You probably aren't aware of my sitch, but my wife's plan was to get a job, get an apartment and to get a D. And for the first few weeks she started that. She was in contact with rental agents helping her find an apartment. She was updating her resume and skimming job openings. She has a 4 year degree and though she has been out of the job market for a long time, she would have no problem finding a job that would allow her to support herself. She was researching the divorce process and even reading about the effects that it would have on our D.
But about month after BD those activities ceased. She never finished her resume. She quit responding to job and apartment openings. She didn't want to discuss D logistics (especially after I contacted a lawyer and told her that her plan of a quickie D was unrealistic. When the topic of her plan would come up, she'd still talk about wanting to get a job, an apartment and a D, but there was no action being taken above that.
So you started instituting changes. You gave her space (maybe too much but that is water under the bridge). This has caused her to start questioning her pronouncements on BD. My wife had a last couple of rebellious moments against the MR about 2 months in, before all of her words and actions changed to being back into the MR.
Understand, even now if I push her too hard on things, she starts to retreat. This is the whole pursuit and pressure dynamic. I save all of our R discussions to happen during MC, where she feels safe to speak openly.
So give her time, eventually she will want to address where things are. In the meantime, view limbo as the gift of time to show her the new you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
