I get what you're saying Nicole, and it's all good and well. Let me point out one thing though:
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I have to accept that my husband chose the wrong path for his life but he's the man that I loved. If, in a few years, he realizes his mistake and commits to change and wants to try again I'd be open to that if it happens through the involvement of an army of third parties like counselors, mutual friends, family, and religious community to create accountability and to make sure everything is fair. It's hard for me to say I'd never take my husband back because potentially we have up to 40 or 50 years of life remaining and it's hard to project so far into the future. I think my husband has a lot of growing up to do. I try to look at the big picture including the ten years of my life I invested into bringing my husband to the US and helping him establish a career, the fact that we have a daughter to raise, and the potential to change as we pass through several more decades of life. I want to be practical and realistic about the future. So I just don't know. It's hard to say I'd never try again with my husband but I agree that he'd either have to A) truly commit to the healing process and demonstrate long term change or B) we reunite in some kind of practical arrangement that gets negotiated for our daughter's sake only.
It's hard to read into the future and what happens, and yes, there are decades left in our lives. But, what I am worried about from the above is how this is going to help you truly detach and move on. If you keep a candle on for him, what does that mean for you to move forward with life. What if in a year or so, things with H are the same, but now you meet a man who you click with and want to pursue something. Are you going to not take that opportunity up because of the slight possibility that things might come around with H?
Just think about what needs to happen for this to work with your H. You've already identified it. Now reflect on what a massive undertaking this is and it's mostly on his end. It could totally happen, but hanging on to that can keep you stuck.
It's great to hear that some of his actions towards D have turned around, and I hope it remains the same and gets better for the sake of your D - she deserves a good father in her life.
Having said that, sometimes when people are angry, they can blurt out a truth because they don't have any emotional control. And sometimes people say things that are vengeful and mean to hurt the other person. With what he said about your D, I would really observe and gauge his actions over a period of time and see how it unfolds.
You can't also control his relationship with his D. Maybe he's more involved right now because he doesn't have a love squeeze at the moment. What if he finds some young woman and starts another A? Observe all of that and see how his behavior towards D changes when things change up for him.
Even though you're not responsible for his relationship with D, being the primary custodian of your D, you are responsible for making sure she has good adults around her. If you H starts ignoring her and is being in and out of her life when it works for him, you'll have to stand up for your D and what kind of relationship she needs - it's then upto him to meet it.
I am just putting my thoughts out - not suggesting that you've not thought about this or aren't doing it already.
I hope you consider what you need to move on in life that doesn't include him in the picture outside of him being a father to your D. You deserve a good partner.
Your H's issues are his and he needs to deal with them and get the necessary help.
