Gaslighting or selfish, naive and blind...

[ciluzen]

Hello Ownit!Thanks for stopping by.

Yes, of course some will be truly dealing with spouses with MH issues. I don't doubt that at all. There are so many that go undiagnosed and just seem angry, depressed or "strange". I get that. My point was that pesonality disorders have become known by the general population...but so misunderstood. If someone is perceived to be acting in a selfish way or seems to crave positive attention, they are a narcissist. If they go back and forth between loving and hating, anger and kindness, or happy and sad...borderline. A few years ago the general population would say "bipolar".Never mind that they are totally different disorders with symptoms that, when seen together, create different pictures entirely. My own daughter (youngest) was just diagnosed with BPD. She has many of the symptoms. However, one could also look at her history and say that she was diagnosed as having anxiety and depression by one doctor and put on meds with no therapy, which led to inconsistant intake of meds with no follow-up; then another doctor decided it was due to ADD and put her on Adderall (a big no-no if the person truly has anxiety and not ADD) which sent her into a major bout of gen. anxiety which then coincided with her work with often violent at-risk teens that then set up PTSD. With anxiety and PTSD her amount of fear caused her to grab onto anyone that seemed to care for her and not want them to leave her alone, but also have extreme emotional reactions when threatened or when she felt threatened or as if she was going to be abandoned. So anxiety plus PTSD also look a lot like...BPD. Diagnosing can be tough even for those in the MH field when the info isn't all there to see. Its even harder when our own emotions and bias get in the way.

I know my own did. I remember my ex screaming at me one night, inches from my face, eyes wide...totally out of character for him. I called him crazy...yelled it at him. Then I left, feeling afraid of him for the first time ever. Looking back, I realize that he himself was desperate and afraid and very, very overwhelmed. I could have just shut up and listened to him before we got to that point, but I felt the need to offer him advice and tried to get him to see things from someone else's (his boss's) point of view. Pretty sad when even his own wife wasn't listening to him and being on his side. How alone can that make someone already overwhelmed feel? And I just labeled him "crazy". I really dislike labels now. They really do often shut the door to understanding a person, rather than explaining behavior.

Anyway, that was a long rant. I have read some of Hopefloats' posts, but not the part about her remarrying. I might go back and take a look again.

I do think about XH a lot. I'm tired of trying not to. I became rather disgusted with the last foray into dating and decided for now that I don't want to expend the energy in that disappointment. I saw too much fear or desperation in men who just didn't get it. I don't need someone to take care of me and protect me...the world is not a big scary place to me and I'm not some damsel in distress. I don't need a "white night" who is really just afraid of the world and won't admit it but needs someone by his side because he's too afraid to go it alone. That's a lot of what I ended up with.I don't want that.

I'm pretty happy with what I have and where I'm going.I do miss XH, though. Not the thought of him, as some have suggested. Him. And all of his flaws. He seems to be facing a few...don't know what his conclusions will be. So I'm figuring out who I am without him. My time is full. I thought I was supposed to be on break from school, but with internships and all of the things I'm doing...well, I guess it is a break from homework, LOL.I have roses to plant, hikes to do, movies to see, friends to hang with...life to live.

I'm glad you are working on patience and kindness. I found for myself that just working on kindness brought patience and understanding along for the ride. It takes time and practice, but I think its worth it. I still get upset and emotionally reactive at times, but I'm getting better at this. So will you.