Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[Zues126]

What Doodler said.

Frankly, I think it's a mix of immaturity and idealism. And you're right, I'm not sure how me sticking around "being awesome" is going to fix those problems. It's tempting because she is still in that place where she wants to talk about specifics and that makes me feel like she does have some hope deep down that they could improve (or why discuss them?). It's like she wants to try without saying so and giving me false hope. OR perhaps locking herself into a commitment, but I don't think she feels she is free to go explore greener pastures. We are not separated in that sense and both agree it isn't appropriate to be seeing other people, etc. Like I said, she is not saying "let's be friends". I can hardly wrap my head around what she is saying, because it is so emotion-based. It's extremely frustrating.

Very well articulated. Yes, her emotions are all over the place. This is why she can't be the one leading here.

Suppose you knew she'd never change at ALL (which is in fact essentially what she's tried to tell you). Would you continue to emotionally invest? Of course not. You are doing this in hope that it will change her feelings and behavior and then frustrated when it doesn't. This is not detachment. It's like you are a director have this movie script in your mind that YOUR role is to become a better H, and HER role is to recommit to the M and discover that she can fall back in love with you. But she told you "No, 44, I'm not playing that part." And yet you go on saying "Maybe if I just pay her the 14 million she'll show up and star in my movie anyway" and then you get impatient or surprised or upset that she doesn't.

Moving out and filing D doesn't have to happen today and that's not even the most important thing. The priority is for you to get a new movie script. One that centers around you alone. One that is down a path of increasing detachment and independence. One that doesn't hinge on WW because she has told you not to count on her. One that can flex for different contingencies but isn't reliant on them.

Essentially you focus on you, don't invest anything into WW. Be a better person for you. Take charge of your own life and happiness. Like doodler said, build a life so fulfilling that whether she wants to be part of it or not is inconsequential. When is the right time to file D and separate? Well, at some point when you have a new life built the old life can be released like a snake shedding it's skin. Neither with malice or regret, but just because it has stopped becoming useful.

I'd recommend much more time invested in GAL activity, much less focus on your WW. As long as you evaluate that quality of your life by how easy it is to interpret occasional hints of affection out of her confused emotional turbulence as a 'positive sign' you are floundering. When you get to the point that you just shrug because you don't need her drama in your life then you are doing it the right way.

One thing I always say to LBS's is this: How can you expect them to let go of OM, if you can't let go of WW? Seriously. Think about it. You want her to do the growth because you're not strong enough to? Someone has to lead and it can't be her. Show her what strength and detachment is. And then get to the point where you don't care if she learns or not. You can do this.