Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

She never commented about the house being clean? Sound as if she had to look hard to find something to make you do! Seems she enjoys punishing you, IMHO. Why did you engage? If she wants to clean fans, leave her with it.

She asked if it was clean on the way home from the airport and I said yes. She didn't complain about it being messy. A lot of times she will say the house looks good; this time she didn't say a whole lot, but I don't think she thought it was a problem. It was just odd that the next day she commented how all she could think about was cleaning. But she almost has OCD about it and she acknowledges it. She says small things just get stuck in her mind and she is stressed until they are taken care of. Anyway, she didn't tell me to clean the fans. We were just sitting in bed talking and the topic came up and we decided to clean them together. But it's true it shows her hyper attentiveness to the cleanliness of the house. If it isn't perfect she is stressed and bothered.

In all fairness to her, three large dogs in a house is a lot of hair. If these are considered to be your dogs, then I could see that as an ongoing source of resentment for her.

They are not my dogs. They are our dogs, but if you get technical I brought one and she brought two. One of them she got while we were dating so I've known him his whole life and he is sort of shared. But if we split, it's clear where the dogs go and only one is mine (admittedly he is the hairiest). Our dogs are our kids, and they are treated as such. We both love them all of them equally deeply. In fact, she has talked about how she is having a very difficult time thinking about losing my dog. But it does sort of amaze me how little tolerance she has for dog hair despite her love for dogs. I don't like it either, but it is a huge, daily battle that is just reality with the dogs we have. It will never be completely hair free and you could kill yourself trying. In general, though, I think I have said before, no one comes to our house without commenting how clean it is. It's cleaner than anyone I know besides my very elderly grandma who lives alone and has a cleaning service.

Her laying on your bed and talking, is good........as long she wasn't complaining about you, or her usual b.s. Like I said, a day at a time.

No, no complaining really the past few days. Everything has been nice and friendly and relatively stress-free except for the two R talks, one of which occurred again today unintentionally. The bed situation has become slightly awkward because she has made statements about not understanding my hogging of the bed and being very uncomfortable in the other room. It's also the sort of the physical manifestation of the divide between us. Anyway, she was really tired today and went to take a nap in the bed and was talking about how comfortable it was. I tried to address the problem and it became a full on discussion about the same stuff. She can't choose door 1 or door 2. She doesn't "feel" like trying. She feels I am applying pressure and pushing my "angle". She doesn't think there is a way to try without feeling guilt or obligation. Then, some random super specific stuff: She doesn't have fun doing projects with me. I shut her down and make her feel like I'll listen to her ideas but always think mine are better. If I do give her the reigns, I just ask what to do next like a child. I'm not spontaneous enough and she feels she has lost all her motivation to do anything. She said I take forever and worry about things like brushing my teeth first thing or spend too long looking at my iPad before getting out of bed. We can never go anywhere straight away.

I didn't really want to get into another huge R talk because the last one didn't go so well. Admittedly, it became a lot more extensive than I wanted but eventually I tried to ease out of it and said I was also really tired. She said well you should also lay down and take a nap. So I did. She got up to go the bathroom and came back and crawled in the bed and put her arms around me. We napped for a couple hours and cuddled the whole time. After she just had this whole spiel about not wanting to send me mixed signals or give me false hope!

We made dinner together (went all out for a our favorite meal) and watched TV. Everything was good, we shared a wine glass and joked around. Then she talked about needing to finish washing the bedding for her room and getting ready for work tomorrow. I asked her what she needed help with (not sure if I shouldn't do that? She didn't ask). Then she gets in the shower with me! Nothing sexual or anything like that, but tell me it isn't strange she won't sleep in the same bed but we can share a shower??

She still wants to take a trip together to visit a friend and go to a music festival with her co-worker. I also have a feeling she is going to bring up the workout class when I go tomorrow (it hasn't come up again, should I still tell her no if she asks to join?) Still no sign she has any contact with OM. She hasn't touched her phone much at all since she's been home. But I have to admit the separate sleeping thing has made me slightly suspicious; maybe it's just a big deal symbolically for her and she isn't ready to go there. IDK.

44, does your W really know how much you have to do to stay on track with your assignments and tests? Sometimes I get the idea she thinks you simply goof off all day, and that's why she resents it. Does she ever look at your assignments, etc?

Also, when she has a day off, do you put in your daily time toward your studies, or do you take that time off while she is home? I just wondered if she actually sees you working on the degree, or if it's all done while she's gone. if that makes sense.

You are exactly right to get that idea because it's true. She never looks at my assignments. She barely even knows what I'm studying! I brought this up during the first R talk and that's when she admitted she had stopped taking much interest because she felt she couldn't keep up with all my latest stuff (again, I have been studying the same thing this entire time, it's not like I'm jumping all over the place). She probably assumes I am mostly distracted, doing who knows what, and wasting time. Because time management isn't my strong suit, as I've said, and she knows that. But I've never thought to "prove" it to her or show her my work since she isn't interested.

She doesn't see me do much. Most of the time, on her days off, I give her my attention and we do things together. I can mostly avoid studying on the weekends. Occasionally, there are deadlines or things I can't avoid, especially if she has a random weekday off. She has kept the dogs quiet while I take a final exam and stuff like that before. But it isn't 'typical'.