Affair discovered

[STH17]

I will say, I think you are inline for making a huge 180. Stop stonewalling her. You call it "withdrawing when emotionally flooded". A description with an excuse pre-built into it. However, in reality when things aren't going the way you like
(what you call emotionally flooded) you default to a passive-aggressive shutdown. The 180 you could employ is to remain fully engaged throughout the conversation no matter how uncomfortable it may become for you. T:12, M:7, you've probably done this for about 11 years.

Is it emotional abuse? I don't think so. WAW/WW are notorious for blowing things out of proportion to justify what they want to do. Mine told me on bomb day that I was mean. 49 years on planet earth I've never once been called mean. Were we having issues? Absolutely, but while I was grouchy about the state of things, "mean" implies something else completely.

I agree with you, and I think if I could 180 on this effectively I wouldn't have a lot of the problems I have now in my MR. The other 180 thing I've done that actually seemed to get noticed by W was talking to her about conflicts instead of ignoring them.
Our marriage counselor was the first one to call my behavior emotional abuse, and that was our last appointment together before he transitioned into being only W's individual therapist.

She was not asking for a letter of apology!

Look, I well understand the frustration on her end. My H would shut down and say nothing. The more he shut down, the more upset I became. It was a vicious cycle. I could not understand him and how or why he couldn't just open his darn mouth and say something. I would get so hurt and angry, I would say terrible things trying to get some kind of a response from him.

Based on your description of the conversation, she wants you to write down what you want in the divorce, custody, etc. You were flooded and couldn't find the words to speak, so she's telling you to write them down.

Well that means I probably need to start all over with what I had written. Unfortunately I dug myself a hole yesterday where now I do need to give her some letter, as she knows I was writing and before finishing writing the real letter I just gave her a short note which said: "Dear W, I'm not done writing, but I can't write any more tonight. I am taking all this seriously, and I'm sorry for the pain you have felt and are feeling now. Goodnight. -H"
I went back and forth between "I'm sorry for the pain you have felt and are feeling now" and "I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you." Doing some reading today about what makes a good apology I learned I chose the wrong wording. At least she didn't take the note from me, I just showed it to her and kept it myself. Maybe I need to lower my expectations about what this letter is supposed to be then. Perfectionism is what I have been working on in therapy myself too.