I mentioned to my S that mom was coming Monday- I also asked him for his input on how he would feel if I would invite W to stay for bbq because it was around dinner time? OR how would he feel if W asked if she could have dinner with us? His response was simply- I don't want to have dinner with her. Guess that was the end of our conversation.
My hope was to keep the family intact for a meal. Is that pursuit?
You can't keep the family intact with a meal, family events, celebrations, traditions, family vacations, or any other activity........when you try to include the WW. She tore it apart, so now, you and son will have to have a separate family unit from her. You will need to carry on and make new traditions, plan vacations, and have activities without her. Life doesn't stop simply b/c she is no longer there.
Yes, inviting her to anything is big time pursuit. Let me tell what pursuit looks like to a WW. Any show of interest from the H, is pursuit in the opinion of a WW. Any sign of concern for her.....with very few exceptions (when living under the same roof and she is too sick to cook herself some soup, it would be okay for him to fix some soup). Trying to just be friendly, can be interpreted as pursuit. The H who tries to comfort or show empathy for his WW, can be misunderstood as pursuing. When the H warmly engages in a conversation, the WW can see it as pursuit, if he gets too wordy or tries to carry on too long with the conversation. Initiating calls, text messages, emails, etc........or even responding with "wordy" texts, is a common mistake. Many talkative H's have to be very careful about using too many words. Sometimes, even a smile can be interpreted as pursuit.......like if you seem too excited to see her. Some of these actions may not be your definition of pursuit, or even an example given in a dictionary, ....... however, it would considered pursuing behavior to the WW. This is based on my own personal experience, what I have read and heard from other WW's, the information I've researched about wayward (or hard hearted) wives, and the countless stories I have read for the past eleven years.
The quicker you let go of her and stop trying to fix what she has broken, the faster you will get yourself together and start having a life again. Am I telling you to get a D and that there is no hope for the M? No, that's not what I am saying. You need to stop thinking like a desperate LBH, and start thinking as a strong, alpha male, who is independent of his W. And, who is not trying to save something with his WW.
Don't try to make her have regrets or any other feelings. Don't try to trigger memories in her. A WW sees right through those type of actions from the H. If anything, it makes her rebell worse. I don't recall seeing a newcomer who understood the mindset of his wayward W by the end of his first thread. The betrayed H will often learn from his bad experiences.......but in the beginning he just cannot accept that she no longer thinks, feels, or behaves like the woman he knew as his W. He doesn't grasp how illogical she really is. Even though he sees it time after time, he continues to believe she'll have the feelings of a normal human being.......a normal, responsible mother......a normal, responsible adult daughter (or whatever family ties she has)........etc., etc. She won't. Nothing will make sense to you. She is not the same girl you M, or else she deceived you for a very long time.
If she walked in today and announced she was back.....would you be excited? I'm sure you would tell us that you know it will take work......yada......yada......yada. But I wonder if you are so focused on getting your family back together (you, son, & wife), that you would see it as some kind miracle.....and be very happy about it. I don't think that will happen, but if it did......it would be very unwise to let her waltz back in without having met certain specifications, requirements (whatever you want to call it). She is very caught up in this new "religion".....maybe more than someone who is an affair. It's new, exciting, a little taboo in the eyes of some.....daring, etc. She gets a thrill and has emotionally invested everything to get fulfillment from all of this stuff. So, I would caution you about letting her come back too easily. I say that to anyone who has a WW, but this situation has another ingredient. She may never completely give it up. How would you feel about it, if she wanted to come home......and keep her new found religion? If things in her life got hard enough, and nobody else would take her in.......she might try to come home. It's happened in other cases. The unsuspecting, and/or uneducated H (educated in the ways of WW's) would be so happy to just get his W back home that he didn't question anything. Big mistake!
When she left, it was against what you wanted or had to say about it. If she returns to the home, it needs to be in accordance to what you have to say. IMHO, there should be no returning to the home without reconciliation in the MR, and a full understanding and agreement to the terms. If the W was wayward, it is my opinion, she should not get to call the call shots (terms). Sadly, too many H's are way too eager to just get his W back within the four walls......and the problems remains in the MR. Now this is something I've shared with you, but you don't need to repeat to her. (I say this b/c many H's repeat things from the board that should not be stated to his WW).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
