I feel weird about it. It's sorta odd like the actual date can't be in 2016, that it can't be that easy. As if someone will come and say there is another hiccup.
It's like it isn't really real yet. Anti climax in some ways. If that makes any sense.
V
It absolutely makes sense. So much of what has happened to many of us is so bizarre that I keep expecting Rod Serling to step forward and do a monologue. An author friend of mine who does murder mysteries pestered me for a while to do a novel based on my own adventures. When I came here I felt that my story was unique only to discover over time that it was in many ways mundane especially compared to those where there was overt abuse such as your's.
It's been about a year and a half now since I made the choice to close the door to my ex but I always did have the fear (hope?) that she would turn back towards me. While our marriage wasn't all sparkles and rainbow coloured unicorn farts it was in many ways a pretty good marriage. Duty is a large part of what brought me here and I struggled with what to do if she did in fact turn up on my doorstep. Like a number of our ex-spouses I don't think that her life has turned out all that well for her. The poor choices she would make I now no longer am there to fix for her. OM had not been a reliable supporter either I believe. Now that the divorce is final she would have an even more uphill battle to have a relationship with me. I'm confident that she felt sure that I was a "Plan B" for a very long time. Perhaps she does still think that - there's no way for me to know. It perhaps will be a blow to her if I do form a new partnership but that is neither an incentive or disincentive to me.
As far as dating goes, since I have little interest in dating for social contact - I have a number of good friends of both genders who I see regularly - it implies a level of commitment to that person with the intent that it will grow into something more. I've read with interest comments here and elsewhere from women about what they are looking for and what they like and don't like about how they are treated by people at the beginning of their relationships. I know myself to be fairly intense and don't want to come across as "creepy old man". I've read where after one date or even casual contact that some guys (and gals) try to take over a person's life. That's certainly not me.
I know very clearly that I will never have that sort of relationship I had before again. It started when we were young and I was certainly naive and it grew as we both matured. I'm no longer young although I do feel younger than I did for the last few years of my marriage. I do worry that I will be unable to find the passion that I had for her and our life together. I recall the horror in a friend's voice when I told her that my ex was leaving me as she said "but you adored her. In some ways I worry that any new relationship would be "transactional" where I would provide some lady with security and comforts and she would in turn be a companion and lover. That doesn't seem fair to me. Perhaps one of the reasons I do look at it that way and perhaps this is an issue for other guys is that I do feel that I have choices. I've been assured that I'm a "good catch" - have all my own teeth, a full head of hair. But for nearly 30 years I lived with someone who was controlling, who regularly minimized me and to whom I was bound "for better and for worse" knowing that I had no choice but to accept the partner that I had.
Additionally, I have been hurt in ways that run deep. Most of us here have been. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable because it may happen again and I don't know if I would survive it a next time.
As a mature lady yourself, I would be interested in your thoughts on this, what you see of the men you encounter and like / dislike and how you see yourself in the mirror.
Ah well - enough nonsense for now
PS - As you probably know ironing is one of my "hobbies" although I've never ironed a dress before. I do so love the rhythm and the purely physical process of turning a wrinkled shirt into a crisp one or putting a perfect crease on my trousers. The fact that I'm dealing with what is essentially a somewhat dangerous power tool means that I need to focus on the task at hand. Yes - perhaps I "should" start dating - lol.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
