I was so excited when I saw that I had a reply and from someone who might be able to relate, but then was sorry to hear your situation. I hope things are better with you. I will check out your posts.
You are spot on- my husband claims to never think about divorce when we have discussed other peoples situations abstractly, whilst it has crossed my mind!. I really don't believe that he is looking for a PA but enjoys the attention of these younger (20-30s- he is late 50s) talented young women. He says he loves me, not in words often, but in his own way; flowers, dates, does things for me, thanks me, compliments me but very little physical apart from twice daily kiss! That I think is him- he is not very physical with our children. However I found a note to the co-worker (perhaps never actually sent) that listed 6 things : laughs, brains, heart, eyes, hair, touch- I think in that order as part of a sort of word search. The 'touch' particularly upset me as he really never touches nor holds hands, and only ocassionally hugs (me or the children).
I am working on bringing some more intimacy- not so much physical- but emotional, back into our relationship. Taking more time to listen to him and do things together that he cares about, back him up more when he takes on one of our teenagers, even though I think he is sometimes very harsh and angry with them.
As I write this I realise I have come on a long way over the last 5 years. I took Michelle's advice to GAL and not rely on other people for my own happiness. In a strange way I wouldn't have changed what happened. Compared to 5 years ago, it is definitely a better atmosphere- and if I hadn't found little clues of his affection for his current co-worker around- not snooping just came across hiding place by accident- I would be oblivious!! What really hurt 5 years ago was how distant he seemed, and even when I was clearly upset by what I saw as an EA he did not see a problem with him, more with my interpretation. Now that is not the case, I think he is back as he always was- but a bit more prone to shouting- although even that is getting better!
However, we did have one awful scene a week ago in which my husband shouted to my daughter (17) that he needed her phone as he had accidently sent her an audio message. He went almost hysterical until she unlocked it and then he grabbed the phone from her and deleted the message. It is that secrecy that really upsets me. If there is something so intimate he doesn't want us to hear/ see then perhaps (if he really cared about us) he would refrain from doing it. And he has gone to the bathroom when we were on holiday at a restaurant and accidentally sent a very innocuous text about the holiday to me, that was meant for his co-worker, by mistake.
How does one ever know if ones husband is staying just for an easier life? I don't think if I am being a push-over who does not want to face the truth, but I have decided to trust him and my marriage and believe that we can make it better and stronger and have a happier and less angry home.
One really big question I have, and would love anyones thoughts, is whether what I describe is just part of the spectrum of normal married life? perhaps I should relax a bit. May be all the 'perfect' marriages I see each has their own worm. It is perhaps natural that people will always have crushes on co-workers that ebb and flow and friendships that seem very close but do have defined boundaries if you are in them! This time round doesn't bother me nearly so much as he is still so loving to me- and I suspect he has had female friends all our married lives- we just didn't have mobile phones in the beginning so much less room for error! Am I just looking for trouble......?? That is certainly what my husband would say.
Thanks for reading this ramble if you have got this far.
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
