All, I tried to respond to everyone and now I'll write a brief update. So last week my husband called me late one night. It was the first time in five or six months that he called at night. He asked how our daughter was doing and said he missed talking to her (sometimes she's not in the mood to talk when he calls). He asked if she's eating well. He said to please let him know if we need more money especially to buy her the best quality food. Then he said he's going to bed and said goodnight.
This weekend, 10 days after my husband last visited, he came back again. It was bizarre though because he spent most of the time at his family's house and only two hours yesterday and ten minutes today with our daughter. Tonight he passed by on his way to the airport for a few minutes. When he arrived I let him go to our daughter and I went to another room to sort laundry. He came into the room where I was and asked how I'm doing. He asked how my work is going and asked if I'd like him to clean my car the next time he comes. I said work is fine and no I will clean the car myself. I didn't say much else. I was already about to lose it because I felt so upset that my husband flew up here and spent so little time with our daughter. On the other hand, this is definitely a big change that he came to talk to me. He also said he'd like to start doing a FaceTime call with her every night around the same time (he's been calling sporadically and it's always just audio). After my husband left and presumably went to the airport I received a message from him that says "Thank you so much for taking care of her. You are doing a great job. She's a very special girl. I love her more than anything in this world." I responded "You're welcome. She loves you too." Honestly I have no idea what I should have said but I just wrote that.
Yes I know technically I should move on and never accept my husband back. That's most likely what will happen regardless of what I want because there's no sign that he wants to come back, only that he's been warming up recently. Now that my husband left for the second time I know I can't let him come back easily, if he ever wished to return, because I saw what happened and he left again. This situation has been going on for a long time now. Where we each differ on this forum is in our philosophies about life and our expectations. There appears to be somewhat of a status quo about not taking back cheaters, liars, abusers, etc.. that haven't demonstrated true change and remorse. There also appears to be a general agreement that we all deserve a better person and that better people are out there to be found. I agree with those things but I guess I'm not at the point of 'locking the door to my heart' so my husband can never return. I'm trying hard to move on with my life knowing there's a low chance my husband will try to change. On the other hand, I want to work towards the best possible outcome for him, my daughter, and myself. I want to facilitate my husband and daughter having a better relationship. I want my daughter to see my husband and I communicate peacefully. I want to work things out with my husband so we can be friends and support each other. I want to give my daughter the best shot possible in life so I'm trying to give her my undivided attention and don't foresee bringing any new man into the picture for many years. There would be too much risk associated with that. I can't even imagine loving another man except for maybe one who I've known for decades but who isn't an option. I have to accept that my husband chose the wrong path for his life but he's the man that I loved. If, in a few years, he realizes his mistake and commits to change and wants to try again I'd be open to that if it happens through the involvement of an army of third parties like counselors, mutual friends, family, and religious community to create accountability and to make sure everything is fair. It's hard for me to say I'd never take my husband back because potentially we have up to 40 or 50 years of life remaining and it's hard to project so far into the future. I think my husband has a lot of growing up to do. I try to look at the big picture including the ten years of my life I invested into bringing my husband to the US and helping him establish a career, the fact that we have a daughter to raise, and the potential to change as we pass through several more decades of life. I want to be practical and realistic about the future. So I just don't know. It's hard to say I'd never try again with my husband but I agree that he'd either have to A) truly commit to the healing process and demonstrate long term change or B) we reunite in some kind of practical arrangement that gets negotiated for our daughter's sake only.
I just have no idea what will happen in the future. I'll continue to post here in hopes of helping others learn from my experience, just as many of you are doing. As I mentioned a few times in the past, if I were posting here a few years ago when my husband left the first time you would have seen that he came back and it would have sounded like a success story. A few months ago it sounded like we would be divorced within weeks. Now the future is open-ended. I kind of prefer keeping it open-ended. I'll still be sad if my husband files for divorce in the near future and if things deteriorate and I have to file for divorce I'll feel sad about that as well. As the DB book describes, there are different reasons why people might choose to stay married. I still have a hard time accepting divorce as our outcome but staying separated is ok with me for now.
My husband has done terrible things but in response I also became a resentful, cruel, controlling, and abusive wife for a period of time. When I die I have to be accountable for my own actions so I know I have more work to do on myself.
I don't want to ramble endlessly but to conclude, I agree with most of what you've all said and don't expect my husband to return, wouldn't take him back under any easy circumstances, but I want to keep the future open-ended. Thanks again for your input!
