JujuB, I wanted to say that it's hard to see my husband leaving as a gift, but perhaps in three to five years I'll be able to see it that way. One of the biggest areas where I struggle is with acceptance. It's hard to accept that this happened. Sometimes I still can't believe my husband is gone. Other times I can't believe he did all those bad things. Like many others say here, what happened to the person I married? It's like they become entirely different people. I'll keep trying to see his departure as a potential gift.
Vanilla, in response to your message from 13/5, you know I've asked the psychologist about this many times (is my husband a sociopath or some other clinical diagnosis?). Last summer my husband agreed to go on his own to a psychologist after I asked him if he would. He went on his own and I went to the same psychologist on my own, separately. I asked the psychologist if my husband had bi-polar, borderline personality, depression, anti-social personality, etc. and the psychologist always said no. He said he didn't detect anything like that in my husband. He said my husband is lost in life, isn't grounded, and doesn't know where he's headed. He said my husband is having a mid-life crisis. He said my husband felt guilty for hurting me and said many good things about me. Many of my friends who know my husband are physicians and they also haven't 'named' his behavior with anything like sociopath. They believe he's trying to make up for lost time by trying to live the adolescent life he never got to enjoy. My husband grew up in a war zone in an Islamic country and never got to have 'fun.' It seems all the temptations here in the US, namely easily accessible women, are more than my husband can resist. He ultimately decided marriage is a trap and he needs to go enjoy his time. So I don't know. Those who are professionally trained who know my husband haven't labeled him as an abuser nor sociopath. Perhaps they see things differently than how they sound here on this forum because they know my husband and I in real life. One thing I know my husband has though is ADHD and impulse control. He's admitted it himself but hasn't sought treatment for it. At the end-of-the-day, my husband lost his morals and ethics and sacrificed his wife and child to go have fun and be free. It might be easier to 'lock the door' if we didn't have a child together. I'll write more about my perspective shortly.
BluWave, thanks for taking the time to read! Yes everything you say sounds right. Bear in mind my husband left once before. He came back begging to come home, apologizing for everything and saying he'd kill himself. Sadly I made a huge mistake in letting him come back without checking to see if he'd gone through the sole-searching process. My therapist at the time suggested I not bring up the past and constantly make my husband feel guilty but I did exactly that along with letting my husband come back too easily. So now I learned the hard way. He left again and obviously didn't learn from his past mistakes. Interesting that your dad is from the Middle East. There are many respectable Middle Eastern men that take excellent care of their families. In fact most that I know are that way. I vetted my husband and thought he was among the best.
Maika, yeah, too bad I didn't learn that the first time my husband left. The commitment to change has to be based on actions over time.
Jim, I wish your wife would come to some realization but I guess while you're going through all these changes and improvements she's just sitting idle. Too bad because it doesn't sound like she's living the best and most fulfilling life that she could live. I hope you can do it though.
