Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

It's been several years now, so I have to think back about how I felt when the board members were talking to me about staying in my M. I understand your W's feelings. But you two have only been together three years, and she is sounding as if there is no coming back b/c things got too deep? That is immature and unrealistic thinking about marriage, IMHO. What did she think M was......a fairy tale where the couple never had a problem? There is no reason on earth you two can't come back from this. She is just afraid she won't experience the butterflies when you walk into the room. I have news for her. As long as she sits and waits for you to make her feel butterflies.......it won't happen. She has to throw herself into the relationship to get the feelings. She may never feel like she did when you first M, IDK. I actually had better times, more romantic times down the road, than we had our first couple of years..... b/c I leaned in order to experience the thrills I had to encourage it and be an active "giving" partner. I also learned that was what people meant when they said you had to "work" at it. A MR must have nourishment, to keep the love alive.

Thank you, Sandi, this was encouraging. I was starting to have doubts and wonder if she was right that there was no coming back. I agree with you completely about the idealism I think she has. Ironically, she tried to tell me I was idealistic about being able to build something new and better. I don't think she thinks MR is something where you never have a problem. She said something like "it's one thing if you have a problem, recover, and have another problem, etc. But it feels like we have just had one prolonged problem all along." That was her reasoning for feeling the problem is unfixable; because it wasn't isolated enough. I understand the need to work and nourish, and regret I didn't understand it sooner. But she needs to understand it and I can't convince her or show her otherwise.

She doesn't seem mature enough to handle the fact she is employed while you are earning your degree. She wants to see evidence where you have worked at home, while she was on her job. Some women just don't do well being the breadwinner. They go home and start hammering the H b/c he did not do enough around the house .....according to the W's expectations. When you described all you did, it sounded like a lot.......but if I heard her side, it would probably be a different story. You know if you are doing enough, or not. You have to have time for your classes..

I do a lot. But I will be the first to admit I didn't at first. It was definitely an adjustment for me. She acknowledges I have stepped up and she doesn't come home wondering about what I did, etc. But again, she sort of said too little, too late. It's not like I made the change a month ago. I started doing more and more after the first few months we lived here because I recognized it was a big problem.

Give her a few days to go at her own speed and do her own thing. Just be cautious, b/c you will want to do something to make her feel better, and you'll fall back into waiting on her. If she is right about the house, then maybe you really aren't doing as much as you thought.......or else the dogs are way too messy (which this can be true). As for your "projects", I still don't understand why that bothers her, or why she feels you have to give her an update on how you are coming along with it. At first, I thought it went along with all the other stuff of her running a tight ship, but IDK. If you leave an unfinished mess sitting around, it probably is a sore spot with her.

I will resist waiting on her. She hasn't been asking for me things today and seems to be aware. I think part of that is feeling like she can't ask things of me since she doesn't want to work on the MR. She doesn't want to feel like she owes me anything, in other words. I will try and reflect on the house issue. Maybe I can do more. But she is sort of crazy about it. I spent a lot of time cleaning before she came home and today she made a comment about not knowing what she wanted to do, and all she could think about was cleaning the house. We were standing in a spotless kitchen. Yes, we have three large dogs and there is always dog hair. But she is never satisfied with the state of the house, that is a fact. We ended up spending two hours today disassembling every fan we own and cleaning it. On the project issue, it's nothing to do with leaving a mess. It's things like the fact I like to keep a million tabs open on my computer. MY computer, not hers. But she hates it. I have a lot of interests and fully admit I have a tendency to get obsessed with something and not always follow through. That's why she said she stopped taking interest. But with my degree, I'm not sure if she thinks I am not actually going to finish it or what. Certainly I have never given up or not accomplished something as major as that.

I use to say I had never seen a woman give up a good H b/c he didn't do enough housework. With this younger generation of W's who have such a sense of entitlement.......I don't know if that any longer the case. I just always have suspicions when a woman can't find anything to complain about, other than he doesn't do enough around the house! Maybe it's b/c "she" is the real problem......not him.

I will think about this. She did emphasize a particular frustration about feeling like she often comes home from work and can't relax because there is dog hair on the couch or the sheets are in the dryer and I try to put them on before bed and it's too late. I don't know if she expects a chocolate on her pillow or if I am failing. It is something I am aware of and for a long time I have DAILY vacuumed the couch and even, specifically, her pillow. IDK, it's frustrating. I know I used to be a slob (changed when we moved in together). I know I don't always have the best time management skills. But I have consistently improved. Maybe I still have a long way to go.

Anyway, just take a day at a time. Try to have an easy week. Don't do anything to pressure her emotionally. Don't bring up the R talk again, unless she initiates. Just try to be relaxed and have a comfortable atmosphere at home.

This is what I am doing. Today she brought her pillow into the bedroom and we laid in the bed and talked for over three hours about all kind of things. A lot about her family and childhood. At the end, she talked about wanting to go back to her hometown when it's time to move back and collect some personal mementos like sports trophies. She said, "maybe you can come with me. And we can finally go to [a pizza place she always raves about from the past]." I'm thoroughly placing that one in the "they will be confusing" box.

She got caught, called out, and she feels guilty. She's is having to deal with the fallout of her behavior. She is still wayward. It doesn't change overnight. As long as she clings to those old resentments, she is blocking off any feelings of being in love. Her emotions are urging her to rebel against commiting to the MR. I hope she will realize that if you can forgive her betrayal and deception, she should be able to forgive you for whatever she holds against you. Apparently, she hasn't figured that out yet.

I know. I am okay waiting. I will continue to make sure I don't start waiting on her. I just wish there was something I could do to help her let go of the resentment. But I know it's not something I can control.