Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[HaWho]

Gerda - as you are asking about a way to take a giant step back, I have some suggestions you may want to try.

Regarding your son, may I ask what he does all day at home when he is not at school? Having a teenaged boy myself I know that left to their own devices, they often opt to do a heavy amount of loafing around. If this is the case, may I suggest that you kindly explain to your son that your role in the household is to provide for his needs (emotional and financial) and that you are working hard to do so. His role is to go to school so that he can become a productive contributor to society as he has a place in this world and the world will need need him.

Should he choose not to do his job (go to school and work hard) then he needs to contribute at home because he is able to do so and we all need to contribute in some way when we can. For example, he should walk the dog and do cleaning on days he decides not to do his job by going to school. He should cook dinner. I I find leaving lists works better than asking for things to get done. Perhaps start with a small list to ease him into it and add to it every few days. "Here is what you need to do today for chores and please have it done by x time." Then a text mid day saying "just want to remind you about the chores and thank you for pitching in! Love you."

The basic idea is to try to make him more uncomfortable being at home so that school is a more appealing option. Right now home is clearly more comfortable. This will lighten your load, too. In no way should it be an option to sit around and do nothing as he has much to contribute either at school (the preference) or at home. Also, being more industrious may help lift him out of the doldrums. (Walking the dog would be particularly good for him.). And this is a way for you to take a step back from all that you do.

As for your h, I like the idea of the spreadsheet that Job suggested. Your h is clearly all over the map so talking with him is a giant sinkhole. A great way to take a step back is to refer him to the spreadsheet and walk out of the room. If you are scared to be alone in a room with him because of where the conversation is headed, leave rooms when he walks in. Or if you have to be in the same room, maybe put headphones on and politely tell him you're listening to a book or a TED talk etc. You need not be available because no matter what you say, it will be wrong.

Is there anyway you could swing having your h go to the upstate rental and giving him some money each month? From my years living with my MLCer, the problem I saw is that as long as I stayed in his orbit, I remained the source of all his problems. I think space apart would be the ideal way to try to outlast this. Could you borrow some money from a family member and a few friends to make this happen?

Is your h home all day also and not contributing to the finances at all?