Gotdie #19: patience, trust...and hope

[Gordie]

Andrew SBJ DNJ

Thank you

I was leaving and she came to hug me and squeezed my a so i did the same to her playfully and all was good

I do not think i could do the condoms but it did make me chuckle

Yes there is a big pile of s under the rug that i am willing to ignore right now

DNJ thank you for the reminders of why i am standing

Yes my emotions are mixed up right now

I am doing better at acknowledging those dang things and letting them go

I have been very steady recently so not sure why i am getting so emotional



Gerda

Yes and thank you

We share the same beliefs about sex

I do not find them old fashioned

That podcast was amazing and i never would have found it

It has gotten me thinking abouy what happens when your spouse loses his or her faith

Seems like you let them go and pray a lot

I demand respect and fidelity and right now she treats me with respect and is not chasing OMs

We still have walls up around each other

But i do feel they are very slowly coming down

There is a poster on newcomers hoosjjm

Who went from ready to divorce to happily ever after in a very short period of time

I think my fantasy was thst i would get thst dramatic turnaround and tears and remorse and passionate love making

I am clearly on a diffeerent and slower path



So another positive change in me to note

I speak my mind a lot more than i used to

At work it has resulted in more leadership and responsibility

At home my kids talk to me more

I am more comfortable saying what others find uncomfortable

But it leads to better outcomes

[Gordie]

Journaling



W called me yesterday to just chat

Things were fine and she was asking my advice about something

Not sure why but conversation definitely went off track

She started attacking me as if i was questioning her judgment which i was not

My old self would apologize ot counter attack

This time I just listened

She exhaused her complaint and i offered no apology

We then went on to a different topic and things were fine

So i can only control me

W is feeling safer expressing and venting her negative feelings

I think my only role is to listen and validate

I do not need to apologize for everything

I do not need to avoid the conflict

I just need to be present and listen

I do not need to defend myself or counter attack

[job]

Very well done. You handled the conversation well. Sometimes, defending ourselves tends to fuel their anger fire more than it normally would. Listening opens the door to actually hearing what they are saying/trying to tell us. The more they talk, the more we will eventually learn about them.

[OwnIt]

Gordie, just reading this made me tired for you. I think I've learned that it is possible to find peace inside chaos, to lose it, and to find it again.

[Rita]

Totally inspiring, Gordie, you are a rock and it is amazing. I like the script you are providing for me too. Mine doesn't usually get to an end, it just increases, but maybe I am not really trying what you are doing. I owe you a longer reply from my thread too, just crazy working. But your posts to me and on your thread mean a lot to me in my stand, thank you!

[Rita]

P.S. I have often thought of how Christ responds to Pilate with silence and then "As you have said," and nothing else. I wanted to do this myself so many times but I can never figure out how. Your script here explains how. It also indicates that you know the truth and you are not confused. I love that. I get confused lately, even though it's five years in. It's just very tiring to stay clear-headed!

[DnJ]

Gordie, good job just listening.

W called you to ask for advice, you gave some, and she looked at it as you judging her. This reminded me of the caution about do not give advice even if they ask for it.

I think that is because we would tend to defend our given advice and escalate the argument. However, if advice is asked for, and you can remain calm and silent, I believe letting her vent some of that out of her is a good thing.

It is very nice to hear about your positive changes at work and at home. The kids speaking to you more - awesome!

btw I have a similar fantasy full of remorse and tears also. Yep, different path and much slower.

[SBJ]

Gord and DnJ, we all have that sudden remorse fantasy, but that is the part where we should all have ZERO expectations for that to actually happen. In one of my daily devotionals today it had a great point...it said that,

"The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord"!

We tend to put much of our focus on the problem and strive to fix it, instead of waiting on God to handle what he is trying to handle. He is greater than our problems and also knows what is best for us. He doesn't need our help.

Anyway, it spoke to me this morning. Thinking and praying for you guys!

[Rita]

SBJ, your quote really helped me today. I have not read your story but I will take a look soon. Thank you for the quote! I saw you are in TX -- I had a prayer partner in Texas for a while -- her marriage is totally restored (thus not so much of a prayer partner with me anymore!) and she runs a restaurant near Houston called the Red Oak. If you are near there, you will probably love it, there are messages like that all over the walls and you might find a marriage conference going on and support in your stand.

[SBJ]

Garda...There are several "Red Oak" restaurants in and around Houston. I'd love to meet them. Was it the grill or cafe?