Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

44, my W said almost the exact same things on bomb day. Almost verbatim to what you typed.

Look, don't read too much into it. Remember, believe nothign she says and only half of what she does!

Look WWs have an illusion of a perfect life post-LBH. But I am telling you, as the reality of that life draws closer the illusion starts to fade. Your W has been through an emotional roller-coaster. OM is always new, fresh, without the problems that have cropped up with you over the years, and so she's put a lot of emotional investment into that "future".

WWs do not like to give up the illusion. Plus they have to go through an emotional grieving of OM. Further, they are usually angry at LBH for getting into that way of the illusion. And they also usually are more sorry for getting caught than they are for the actual betrayal.

44, you need to remember that WWs can change. Think about how in love she was with you when you got married. Somewhere along the line she changed to where she is now. She CAN change back. She may not want to right now but the work you do from this moment forward can help her in that change.

You are under the same roof, that is a start. I have a lot of thoughts on how to go about this myself, but as I am fond of saying, every sitch is different. You are under the tutelage of sandi, you can't go wrong with her advice.

But, I will give you a piece of advice that helped so much in my sitch: keep your conversation with her fun and light 97.5% of the time. In MC my wife mentioned that as we interacted in that way she had started to see herself staying in the MR. I took advice of another anti-divorce expert where I would call her from work in the late morning, almost everyday, and would tell her something about work, or that I heard on the radio, or something I read on my Google feed. Anything short, light and fun. Then I would say "Ok well just wanted to share that, talk to you later! Goodbye." And then hangup.

I honestly believe she started to look forward to those calls. She is a SAHM, and she doesn't get a lot of human interaction from 8am-3:30pm. Sometimes I'd squeeze another call in early afternoon too, but that was about once a week.

Anyway, that went a long way with her. Mainly because we had that kind of relationship when we were dating and early in our marriage. Think about something similar that you used to do and incorporate that.

Otherwise, continue to detach, 180, GAL and be the best 44 you can be.

Don't be to down, this conversation went pretty much to the script.

Thanks for this, Steve. It helped to know your W said all the same things on bomb day. Although it also makes me feel more like I got sent back to square one, since I thought we were past bomb day.

I know things can change and she already struggles with the reality of having a perfect life without me. That's the main reason she isn't charging ahead with divorce. I just don't know how to proceed because Sandi emphasized not wanting limbo, and of course I don't prefer that, but if she needs more time then what?

Your idea about keeping the conversation light and fun resonates. That's partly why I began regretting our whole talk. If I had gone that route, she would have been much warmer and wanted to engage, etc. But I think the talk had to happen. IDK, at this point I don't really know. But now I will back off. I don't like having those conversations any more than she does and clearly talking doesn't convince her of anything.

Thanks for your support, Steve.