Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[44tries]

Okay, here is my big update...been a long day.

It didn't go as well as I'd hoped. As I kind of expected, she didn't initiate the conversation. I let her settle in and eat and then I initiated, leading with the boundary talk. That went over fine and she mostly agreed. She cried and said she knew she was a "bully" (her words). She agreed I was right to ask for no further disrespect and that it can't continue. Also, she had no problem with no private inappropriate relationships.

Frankly, it all went fine except for the part where it came to willingness. She couldn't tell me she wanted to go all in to try to save the MR. She said she felt like I was giving an ultimatum. She said she didn't know if things could be fixed. Yes, it sounds great to start fresh, but you can't just shove all the old stuff out the door. She is very afraid of going back to the same old cycle and being stuck in an unhappy MR. I made it clear the old MR was dead and I didn't want that back either. She just didn't get how we could build something new on top of rubble. She talked about how she didn't know if she could just get rid of all her resentment, she can't control her feelings.

I don't think she thinks it is possible to regain attraction and feelings. She cried and cried, went on about how she didn't know how to let go and was really struggling with the idea of divorce. I told her there were no promises or expectations, she just needed to be willing to try. I really don't understand why she can't do that. She claims she doesn't want to prolong a bad thing, but then says she struggles with divorce and wasn't rushing to go that route. She basically admitted that she doesn't want to lose my friendship and companionship. I told her I can't just give her the parts she wants and forget the rest. She said she feels she has lost all her independence and we had codependency issues and she doesn't even know who she is. She doesn't see a way to take a hard detour and get back from the wrong road we went down for so long (her words). She just feels something is missing. She craves intimacy and connection and doesn't see how it can be with me.

We talked for a long time and I'm probably forgetting some stuff. I tried not to do too much talking, explaining, or convincing. In regards to the bed issue, I actually foolishly thought it wouldn't be a big problem. She had even asked earlier if it was clean, I don't know why exactly. To answer your question Sandi, the reason she wouldn't sleep in it has nothing to do with sex. I'm not pushy about that at all. To be honest, I thought the main reason she left the bed originally was so she could text all night. But I guess I was wrong. She said she doesn't want to send me mixed signals by sleeping in it now. I also think she is hurt/mad that I have hogged it.

She was very exhausted by the end of the talk and I honestly started to regret having it at all (I know, it needed to happen). Unlike me, she hasn't had any alone time for three weeks. She said she needed to sleep and get some clarity. I told her I understood but I really didn't want to have to drag her into another conversation again if she was just going to try to avoid it. She didn't really leave me with a definitive answer. I made it clear that the way I see it is we get a D or we commit to trying. I don't even know what her option 3 looks like. She talked a little about needing time and space (but also about how she doesn't want me to leave because I'm all she has here), and how she knows we can't really do that under the same roof.

I feel very tired and don't know what to think. I'm disappointed I didn't get the answers I was looking for, and admittedly feel a little despondent. But I'm not devastated, which I'm taking as a positive that my growth and detachment have been genuine. I can't force her to try. I'm glad she didn't definitively say no, but it's a very frustrating impasse where she just doesn't "feel" like it. I thought I understood being willing without having the feelings yet, but now I see the other side where if you don't feel like it, how can you be willing? IDK, like I said I'm tired. My brain can't think about it anymore tonight.