Newbie In Need Of Guidance #3

[rminer]

I'm just going to start calling the "organization" by what it really is for a little more clarity. It is Cub Scouts. I originally avoided calling it that because I was trying to conceal my identity as much as possible in case my W ran across this forum, but there is more than enough information in these threads for her to figure things out now.

She seems to be in denial about S8's feelings toward OM, or else she doesn't care. Whether or not that's the case, I think she "uses" S8 in the organization as the link with the OM, and to keep up the false appearance of everything looking legit when they are seen together or she has to contact him.

I think it is denial more than anything and I do agree that she is using S8's involvement as a way to make her contact with the OM look legitimate. I do believe there is another factor playing in as well. She has been a stay at home mom for 24 years now, so being involved with Scouts gives her a sense of accomplishment and worth that she just can't get at home.

It always concerns me when a child has a intense dislike for an adult. I can't remember if you said that S8 knew there were inappropriate vibes between his mom and OM. Have you considered asking S8 about sitting down with you and Mom and let him tell her how he doesn't want to be around OM and want out of the organization? IDK if it would help, b/c she sounds determines to make S8 stay in the organization, regardless of how he feels.

S8 has not directly told me that he feels the R is wrong between my W and the OM, but he has told D21 and D18 a few things that indicate this. He does not show disrespect for any adult, except the OM, so I believe he senses something is wrong here. I have tried to get him to open up a few times, but he does not want to, so I have not pushed it. From what he has told me, he has told my W that he does not like the OM and want to quit because of him. I have proposed changing packs next year to S8, which he is wiling to do. Sitting down with her is an option I have considered, but haven't acted on. I wanted to approach her first.

I'm a little surprises that you support her decision, however.

Rereading what I wrote, I see that I left what I meant open to interpretation. I am supporting keeping him in Scouts. He likes it, he just doesn't like the OM. What I am pushing for is moving S8 to another pack away from the OM. I do not want him to stay where he is uncomfortable.

In the relationship with you & W, can you tell any improvement in the interactions, the overall environment, anything? Are you still working as much as you were, or are you spending more time with the family?

Yes. It is night and day compared to where we were on April 1 when you suggested I spend more time with her. This is what is confusing me that I mentioned in my last post.


Tension in the house has dropped dramatically, although D21 and D18 are still openly rebelling against her and D15 is still wanting to be with me as much as she can. We have had no arguments, disagreements are merely discussions.


She has not been out on one of her bar nights in over a month. She did go out last Friday, but she sent a text to me while I was at work telling me she was going to dinner and a movie, who she was going with (her two best friends) and that she would not be out late. She stuck to this, getting home at 12:30am. I verified what she told me as best I could - there were debit card charges at both places and the run time of the movie they saw would have put her home right about the time she arrived.


She has made no attempts to see the OM that I can tell. My W has not inexplicably gone out alone, let alone at times the OM would be home from work in over a month. The one time she did go out, she told me that she was meeting him to drop something off that was due to be turned in to the District Office the following day, which I know did have to be turned in. She was gone approximately one hour 20 minutes, including drive time and a stop at the grocery store.


My W and I have gone out a total of three times, with a fourth scheduled for tonight. We have done even more with D15 and S8 as a family. She is now assuming I will be doing things with them if she tells me what is happening. An example is on Wednesday I asked her what her plans were for the day. She told me that she was thinking of going to the park with the kids to walk later in the afternoon. I finished my chores about 2pm and came inside. After I cleaned up, she asked when I would be ready to go. She didn't ask if I wanted to, she assumed I was. Later, when it was time to take S8 to Karate, she was outside waiting by the car with S8 and D15 when I was ready to leave. Wednesday is my day to take S8 and normally D15 comes along to get out of the house while my W stays home. She went this time for no other reason than to go.


My W has also started doing more and more of the "wifely" things that she used to do, including my laundry. She is also doing more of the small thoughtful things too. On that same Wednesday we hadn't eaten since lunch when we left for Karate, so she grabbed some granola bars for everyone. The kids got the regular ones and she brought two of the "good" ones that she keeps hidden for herself for the two of us.


That same day she was flirting with me as well. Nothing much - random pokes in the shoulder, a play slap when I made a joke at her expense, a shoulder bump or two, an inside joke. She has flirted a few other times as well.


She is making plans for the future with me too. Aside from the family vacation she is planning for this summer and the semi-serious talks we have had about moving, she is planning events for us this summer and later in the year. School is out for D18 and my W asked her to arrange her work schedule so that my W's van would be available for us to use on my normal days off in case we wanted to use it to go somewhere (D18 uses my W's vehicle to got to work).


My W has also started talking about us in the past to the kids, telling them stories of how I used to try to get her attention, things we would do, etc. She has been acknowledging our M verbally as well and put the Anniversary and Mother's Day cards I gave her on display on her dresser as she normally does. If you remember, the birthday card I gave her in December, the one that I feel was the best one I ever wrote to her, went straight in to her dresser drawer never to be seen again.


She has also started taking more of a personal interest in me, asking how my day was, how work is going, etc.


These changes really started happening faster after the temp check that I mentioned and again after our anniversary.


There are times though that she still seems a little bit distant.


An odd thing did happen last night though. I was scooting past my W's enabling friend to get to my seat in an auditorium yesterday evening, and she took my hand as I was passing and asked how I was doing. It wasn't the normal "hey, how are you," it was more of a soft, concerned/sympathetic ask. We normally don't make any contact when we greet each other and certainly haven't for years, so this caught my attention.


With all of this being said and as good as most of it sounds, I know she is still contacting the OM. I haven't read her texts, so all of it could be business related, but I'm going on the assumption that is is not. She is still not wearing her wedding rings and is still sleeping on the couch. There have been no ILYs, hugs, kisses or prolonged physical contact other than when I do the "Alpha" contact things.


This is why I am confused. I don't know if these changes are real or if she is acting this way to keep me around. Everything she is doing, especially when I look at them together, seem very genuine. If it were one or two things here and there I could easily write them off as an act, but combining them makes me wonder if they are actual changes and we are making progress. At the same time, I know I should believe nothing she says and 50% of what she does, so that is how I am approaching it and I am keeping my guard up. She could also know that I know about the A and this is her new approach at covering it up.


I am feeling that I might want to tell her I know about the A in the next few weeks though. I don't know how much more "progress" we can make until I do. My reservation on this is have I done enough work and is there anything else I can do to make to go more smoothly.