Me and my W have been together for 14 years, married for 5. We have 2 children.
Our relationship has never been perfect, but we have always enjoyed each others company and got on, not too many major arguments.
We moved to another country 4 years ago for a better life for us and the kids, the W struggled to begin with, but has now accepted life here.
So, 3 weeks ago, she tells me that she no loger loves me that way and wants to split. I know she has been having an emotional affair with someone at work, which has now transpired to a physical affair. As we have split, ive not harrased or asked about it. She was also adamant that we tell the kids that we have split, which i did not want to do, but we did.
Heres the tricky part, she wants us to still live together for the kids to maintain the family ethic. Ive moved into the spare room.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the details, i do have DR book and i am currently reading through it.
More about my situ.
The W was a stay at home mum before we moved, she got a job in a hospital canteen working with many women of all ages. She started to change a bit after about 12 months working there. W then took a promtion to be trained as a chef, this is when the major changes started happening. W hated mobile phones and facebook, but she seemed to be more freqeunt on both. Also, over the last 12 months she has been buying exercise equipment and frequently using it.
Why did you opt to move to the guest bedroom? If she's the one that wants the "split", then she should be the one living in the guest bedroom, not you.
Also, please, please keep in eye on your checking/savings accounts, as well as your credit cards. If she follows the general rules of MLC, she's going to begin spending money like water and will not care how the bills are paid or what you and your children need in the way of material things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I opted to move the guest bedroom, as its better for me as she goes to work early. I can still claim it back. She does have a credit card, but i dont have access to that account. But i do have access to all the other accounts. Im not too sure what she would spend the money on.
I was curious as to why you had moved out. Thank you for your response. At some point, you may wish to move back into the master bedroom and allow her to move into the guest bedroom, i.e., needs to see what it's like to live as a "separated spouse" in the same home. We do urge our posters to stay in the master bedroom and the home as much as possible, but ultimately, it is up to the posters to decide what is best for them, not their wayward spouses.
Now about the accounts. She has a separate credit card...is your name on that card? You may want to run a credit history/check to see how things are going in your household. Yes, some of them have gotten credit cards that we do not know about or have taken out loans. Yes, this is done often here. You need to be the adult here and check on these things. She may be wracking up expenses that you may become responsible for because you are married and living in the same household.
Trust me when I say this...they become very creative in what they spend money on. They are children/teens in adult bodies and they will spend just to spend because they need to be happy. They do not realize that happiness comes from within, not by external things.
You need to be the adult here. Keep the focus on you and your children for they are going to need you now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MY XH was gambling and he was never a gambler before and always OK with money b4 crises They change into different people
Its tricky living with the MLCer and difficult and is it best for the kids? IDK but some others who actually have lived with the MLCer for long periods of time may chime in They say reconciliation is better if spouse lives home but many will stay home until the next best option comes along- Try to focus on the kids, get some therapy, read, take care of yourself If she Is in MLCs it gets trickier as time goes on and it last for a long time 2-7 years not your fault nothing you did or can do to change it-
Hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Wierd turn of events last night. I said to the W that i was going out and wont be back till late. She asked me where i was going. I just said out with friends. She replied "is there something you want tell me". I said no. She then said that i thought we were going to be open with each other. My response was anything but my private life. I only went to play soccer for few hours.
She then locked herself in her bedroom until i left.
The night before she was qyite misserable, so i asked if she was ok, she said yes. Then a few minutes later, she said that she thought this was fake. I questioned her on this, but she then told me to forget what she said.
