How long did it take for your trust to return or has it fully returned.
Are you and your H closer now?
Is there any info you can provide about how to make it thru recon?
My W has made some of the same statements as your H after she decided to stay in the M.
JJ, thanks for replying. I will try and answer the best I can, but these questions are hard. I think it's good for me to think about them more tho, and writing them out helps me process too.
How long did it take for trust and has it fully returned?
I trusted right away that when he came back it was genuine, but I will never fully trust him or anyone again. I said fully because I now know that anyone can be dishonest and hurt us. The only 100% trust I have is for myself, and even that isn't consistent. When my H ended his A and came back, I could tell it was real. That is why I tell people that they will know intuitively. I think our instincts are strong, even if we don't understand why. So in a strange way, I trusted him initially. I could feel he was back and vulnerable. I could tell that he knew he made a terrible mistake, was remorseful, and was committed to changing. And, his actions were consistent with his words on a daily basis. He let his guard down fully, he offered complete transparency, and he really looked at his part. I think he said he was sorry about 20 times a day. I could just feel that he was trustworthy. And what I learned after BD, was to trust my instincts. So the trust was there and has remained there. The hardest part for me, has been the forgiveness.
Are we closer now?
That is a hard question to answer. I would say no, we are not. The closeness we had for so many years was an intimacy that we all crave. Maybe some would say we were suspended in a honeymoon period for 10-15 years? I don't know, but it felt good. I was so attached to this man and he could do no wrong in my eyes. I think that's why D rates are so high; we run to those feel good feelings and romance, the newness. Now, things are different. I see him as a good man, but one that is human and capable of mistakes. Big, giant, huge mistakes. But I also see a very strong character in him, because he has owned those mistakes. He has looked at himself and been committed to changing. He is stronger, more confident, listens and makes adjustments, and far more than most of my friends' partners. Not everyone can do that and I respect that about him, it shows integrity. I also think the silver lining in this was that it forced me to look harder at myself too. I have made some good changes too. So I would not say that we are "closer" (not yet anyhow), but I would say that our M is more genuine now, it's more solid.
How to make it thru recon?
I think it takes two people that are committed to making it work and that really mean that. Both people have to be willing to look inside of themselves and their history (which can be really painful), and be willing to change. It is hard to change all those habits that we have adopted in life, but it can be done. I also think both people have to accept that it takes a long time and learn patience. The more damage that was done, the longer it takes. The spouse that had the A and/or left has to be willing to accept the fallout of that. They have to be patient, demonstrate compassion, and they also have to accept that they may not get forgiveness from their S. My H has had to learn to forgive himself and not wait for mine. I am still working, or deciding, on that....
The betrayed S has different challenges. Even if we have been wronged, we cannot only see ourselves as a victim. We have to learn to understand how this happened and have compassion for someone that betrayed us. That is very difficult. We also have to look inside and be committed to changing. We also need to be patient and know that this can take a long time. Once I accepted that there is chance that this may never work -- like I did when I decided to leave him last fall -- I also freed myself up to see him for who he actually is now. There are so many things I like about him more now than who he was before. I never, ever thought my H was capable of this before, I was blinded by my love for him. However, today, I see a man that is proving on his own he doesn't want to hurt me and that he values our M and family, not because we are M and in love, but because this is what he wants in life.
JJ, I'll check out your threads too, I wish you guys the best!
Maika, I think you are right. You cannot engineer the loss. My H certainly felt the loss on his own right away. I just didn't have the strength to pathe the way. Life was so hard when I lost my father, my H's beatryal, and my teen spiraling out of control. I was viscous to H, so he stayed back for a long, long time. I didn't have a rosey picnic, I had a fire breathing dragon on the wrong side of the draw bridge!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
