Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[job]

I am posting an exchange I had with my H. It is so confusing to me because we do share a house and biz and he doesn't really know what is going on; but it is because he left us (not in body but in spirit) and I had to make my own way. I had to hide a lot from him when he was spending out of control, having an A, etc. Now he is claiming that I am hiding "his" money from him. Really I am just servicing our endless debt by myself and trying to save our house from foreclosure. He is completely out of touch with everything else-- our son not going to school and me trying to find a private school, the court case I am in by myself from the business we had together and which I tried to sell, the mortgage problems, just everything!

The problem is that I want to totally detach but how is this possible when finances are concerned and I don't want to get/initiate a D? It is impossible! I end up replying to him to try to keep everything in the open and my words are always twisted of course. I put "Gerds" there because he keeps calling me by my nickname.

I would love to hear Job especially explain how to not engage in this situation when our finances are so connected. I would gladly buy him out but have no money and may be about to have to sell the house if I can't figure out how to pay off more debt faster. Here is the exchange, but you have to start from the bottom and work your way up.

[i]You are not the sole source of my sorrow. We each stir each others much older wounds. I have said it many times, but I am sorry for anything I did to hurt you. I didn't say I wouldn't talk to you. I just said I am scared to. If you want to do bills with me, just do it with me. I told you many times I do it on Fridays.

From: H Gerds, I am really sorry that you feel, as you say, extremely anxious; around me and;scared to talk; to me or receive an e-mail from; me, but you recognize (I can only hope) that though, as you say, that you;are not the source of [my] pain,you are ready-quick to characterize me; the moment I gesture to have a simple-humble non-combative conversation about money and kids and home; as the source of your feelings of fear [that are] visceral.

How, Gerds, is that you are entirely freed from being, as you say, the source of my sorrow and I on the other hand am the sole source of your extreme fear, anxiety, etc? You realize that the resultant default and iron-clad Rule set by you around the house is, in your own words, that when I can suppress and push down concerns that are to me of weight and importance then you can start to enjoy being around me: in other words, if I say what you want to hear I am the source of your enjoyment and by contrast if I say what I want to say then I am the source of your extreme anxiousness and fear of being around me. What you are saying to me, laying down as law, is this: say only I want to hear and no matter how nice or gentle or calm you are in what you wish to express, if you say what I don't want to hear, I will immediately accuse you of being the source of my extreme anxiety and fear of being around you.

Gerda, this way in which we now relate and in which we have always related in which I am the one (and not the only one!) who has been terrified to address you with any item that is of real importance to me is deranged and dysfunctional on both sides. Hereafter, I am forced to only speak to you thru another (third) party. I can't engage you like this any more. -H

Gerda wrote: I understand your feelings of worthlessness and rejection, and I pray for God to heal your wounds and protect you every day. I don't believe I am the true source of that pain, but whatever the truth is, only God can heal our wounds. I try not to make you the source of my happiness or sorrow. I know it's very hard. I struggle with forgiveness but I try to do it daily, hourly if I need to. If we just start from this moment in history --The fact is that I am extremely anxious around you and scared to talk to you or receive an e-mail from you.

For a week or two after D's birthday I started to enjoy being with you and working on things together; but then you changed back into someone who scares me. I am not afraid of physical hurt; but my feeling of fear is visceral. I would love to hang out with you if we could agree to have no talk of relationship or money, but since that never happens, I get too scared to even start a conversation. All the bills are set to go out on Fridays so on Friday mornings, I put in whatever I can afford to make up the difference and then cancel anything we can't afford to pay. I use the joint account to make family/guesthouse purchases since I contribute almost all my salary to the account. Anything for just me, I use my own account or transfer money in to cover it. The login name is X and the password is X.

H wrote: Gerda, why does your brother have to be present for a tutorial about the running of our shared businesses / properties? It's only that I've felt and let myself to be kept out of these zones; including other zones of our lives and I just want to get a clearer more responsible sense of what they are, and to find a deeper involvement in their unfolding. I'm inclined to express; as you may incline to express to me, to others, what you wish that I have been hurt by the subtle ways in which the waitresses/ cooks at the cafe (as well as D and S) where habituated to understand your word as the Last Word and my words as minor, insignificant, ancillary. I have only ever wanted to actually feel an equal journeyer and loved for the sorts of approaches and for the easefullness that I try to embody towards life and living. The fire of love can only live on the oxygenated air that is the shared experience of authentic equality. Naturally, I crave a human fellow-feeling predicated on an ethos in which not my word is the Last Word nor your word is the Last Word. I will understand if you want someone in attendance for the tutorial but I can't have it be your brother. We'd have to wait till I can pay a professional advisor. Let me know which route. -H