I have read most of your sitch, but have not known how to reply to you. I am terribly sorry for you and your D, and for what he has put you through. I know how awful and devastating it can be! I am glad you have been able to move on to a better location and are creating a new life for you and D. That takes a lot of courage and strength.
Here we often focus on DB here and how to better follow the rules. I think a lot of advice we give is based on those rules and the sound advice from MWD in her books. I do agree we all have to keep a beginners mind set, focus on ourselves, and to set them free. In time we hope that as we become our better self, they will see what they are missing, be redrawn back to us and then we can start something over. The thing we don't talk about as much is if that person has also soul-searched, and really changed, and is actually worthy of our love and forgiveness. They not only have to be accountable for the destruction they have caused, and remorseful for the way they have hurt their S and kids, but they have to commit to changing themselves. Every day.
What I read the other posters saying is that your H is not showing any signs of this, and it seems unlikely he will. So even if your friends/family are right, and he does second guess himself and come back, it is unlikey he will do the hard work required (have the insight, strength and commitment) to change into a good man. Nicole, you deserve a good man. Your D deserves a good father and to see a man treat her mother with dignity and respect. What kind of man do you want for your D to end up with? Because she is watching your every move.
I don't know your H. I only know what you have described here. Some of what you describe is that of a man that is selfish, entitled, and who also is controlling and manipulative. To keep a large house for himself and his affairs, while his W and D are in a smaller space, it cruel. He shows no respect or remorse for his own W. He does not prioritize time with his own D. Comments he has made are just ugly. The way he helped you move and then picked a gift, even that looks controlling. A good man would ask how he can help, what he can buy, and then LISTEN to her answer. He comes and goes as he pleases with little regard for your feelings.
I also do not think this is any more justified because of his culture. My own father immigrated from the middle east, married my mom, had us kids, and then they D when we were young. My dad gave my mom the big house, paid large child support, worked long hours and still saw us kids almost every day. He lived in a small rental house to make this work. He wasn't perfect, but he was a great dad and I respect what he did so much. I don't recall him ever mistreating my mom either.
This may all sound harsh, and I am sorry for that. I am not here to be mean or judge anyone else, but I am calling it like I see it. I honestly hope for you that he does not try and come back. I also hope if he does, you tell him no thank you. You deserve so much more than someone like this. Your D deserves to see her mom loved and respected. There are plenty of good men out there. Just read the threads here; these men love and honor their W and family and are willing to change. I think this is what we are all trying to say to you, just in different words. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
