25yrsMLC 10yrsLater I FILE/Div X marries OW #10

[25yearsmlc]

yes it kills to know we made such odd poor choices. Oh how blind I was.

KML, I tell myself "oh but you did have those extra years with the kids, (the daughters at least) and they remained in one home in the same area, so that is something".

And it is. But I cannot help but wonder what it would have meant to THEM, let alone me,

to have left earlier and stayed in the area, albeit NOT in a mansion (which x h chose, I swear)

but in a condo or small home of some kind still safe, and still with the same friends and MAYBE me in a new healthy r, and Or me in a career that I could use now.

Instead, they have many more memories of a "walking on egg shells" environment whenever x was around AND his weird mood swings, and their resentment towards me for letting that happen

and RAGE and pain towards him. His last letter - honestly, Elle, wtf?

Was he trying to fire them? I fear that is the case,

AND OR

did his new family need evidence that he "had tried" with his kids and that explains why they were not invited to the joyous wedding...

AND look how loyal to THEM, he is...insisting they be treated with respect or else he is "done"...

Or did he think that our kids would slap their foreheads and say "OMG dad is right! All this time our mom has brainwashed us against him - but he was a GREAT dad!!"

All those "mundane" events he attended... (great wording X. Who helped him write that tripe?? I hope it was all him, or he's married someone of his own caliber)

Elle, Jesus I could barely believe he wrote AND sent that letter. He also says he is in therapy and I have to wonder 1) IF its true at all, versus radung an article or letting OW's T tell him how great he was/is

or what type of T...(please, X, do as I did, and let our kids talk to your T!!

It ain't easy but it's way more productive and real...)

So, how can I support them best as their mom, while maintaining my own inner rage at his lying and the knee jerk reaction I have to explain why is lies are lies?

I mean, s31 said "Mom, you don't need to rebut this. We know it's false and more gaslighting " -( a term you wish you child never knew - )

but the words about his NEW family and what THEY have been through (I assume from their past b/c if it is OUR divorce, he has no one to blame but himself and anything else is pure delusion)

ignoring his own kids...wow, okay I'm just venting now.

It's one thing to be a narcissist, which one author says we all need a little bit of, (he argues that a bit of ego and belief in some specialness about ourselves in adolescence can help and he's not totally off base)

but it's another thing to believe your own lies and have the ability to harm others with your pursuit of the ever fleeting contentment of YOURS....


that's one test for all of us. "Is MY happiness the center of my world and what I expect to be the center of OTHER's worlds?"

because in my ex h's case, HIS happiness was the goal for him, no matter the cost AND in his mind, I think, it SHOULD be everyone's goal.

He said to our d20 "don't you care about MY happiness?" as if there were no costs to others, of importance (which sukks to realize b/c the discard of me and our 35 marriage is glaring and painful, but reminds me to make sure I choose more deeply next time IF and When I choose...

BUT to which d20 said, "No, I know what you want me to say. But I care less about YOUR happiness and way more about your honesty, and living an authentic life". So tell me when you see a T...."

Btw, x claims he is now seeing a T. I seriously doubt he is at all, or if he is, it's not about what he has done, it's about his NEW family and how to avoid doing his crappy behavior
to more women in his life..or just leaving out gaping holes in the narrative...

I know it's petty but one lie he wrote in his letter to OUR children (who know the truth!) was that he divorced me.

Now, like I said, no biggie, he did leave for Alaska and I only filed when I realized he had blocked me from the bank accounts. And his last comments were about how we'd "reboot the marriage" and that I'd "come running up to Alaska within a year" which he also told d20.

So maybe he expected or feared his new wife would read it...or he has told her that HE divorced me...whatever, but what a weird lie to tell OUR kids...I mean, they do not have amnesia and the divorce papers, IF you want to read crap like that, do tell the truth.

Just so weird...like it's a lie but it is provably false and yet he keeps repeating it, like the 'never been unfaithful" and the "I was volunteering" at work...

guess it's another "why??" question never to be answered satisfactorily so I best not keep asking it.

The kids are troubled by it (the letter was a nutty kick in the face) and that set me back.

But I also TRY to show them what healing and moving on looks like. I sent d28 a picture -

a beautiful picture of an autumn tree losing its leaves. And the caption is -

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is, to let things go."


anyhow thanks for listening.