Hi I'm back using a desk top rather than my Ipad.Hopefully no more blanks... My h and I had a hard convo today about separation. well it's work travel really that he has - but I suggested that since he was talking about time out that we use the next 2 months with all the travel to try this out. When he agreed... I got angry and we ended up arguig. Evening didn't end well with him saying let's just forget the convo for now.... Oh I must confess - I've been so so bad sticking to the newbie rules---boy have I been all over the place emotionally. I get really bad PMS ...I chose an awful time to have this conversation.
Hi All so h is away and our trial separation has begun. I just can't belive that this is happening to me. But as it's happening I've thinking about what our C asked me about what I want for our R. At the time I couldn't answer her....all I could think of was I don't want to go through the pain of separation and divorce. Now that I'm here anyway - I think back to that question and can honestly only answer it now. This period while things are in flux have helped me to find my voice. I now know what I want for me and how I want our M to look. It's my life too.... it's not about tip toeing around the mood/depression that my husband has and always trying to placate and keep the peace. I need a friend, companion, partner, playmate, confidante, an engaged committed fully present h - who shows care, consideration, puts time and effort in to making this M work. I think that's the bedrock for any M?? Your thoughts am I asking for too much too soon. Should I continue to ride the MLC wave and see where it lands. Should I state what I want or give him time and space to 'find himself....' I'm so over that now....
I think that any demands you place on your husband right now, in the throes of a MLC, are just going to push him further away. He just isn't ready to hear them. As far as I understand it, DBing is all about not giving ultimata or even engaging in talk about the relationship until the wayward spouse is ready for it.
I certainly want all of those same things from my wife. But I know that she can't give them to me right now. It is my choice to wait, for now, and give her space to see if she can come back. What she is giving me is the time to repair myself, my own self-esteem, to reconnect with family and friends, and to rediscover my identity outside of the relationship. If, at the end of the day I can't wait any more, I will communicate that to her.
Patience is so so hard right now, but I think that's what most of us need.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
@Davide you're so right... it just feels really sore right now... I know that what you're saying is right and true but boy is it hard to compute and process... what's wrong with my h... why is he throwing in the towel on a 24 year long R.... I feel like screaming... this is so wrong...Iguess in the spirit of disclosure and getting help I need to say I'm concerned about my bad habits... been having an extra drink or 2 just to numb the pain and get me from obsessing about him... I don't like what I'm becoming... drinking more, not exercising, eating more... gaining weight... on a downward spiral... no wonder my h wants to run in the opposite direction... sorry for venting Week 2 of our separation and I'm feeling really flat
Everything you are doing and feeling is completely understandable. That said it does not seem to help your self esteem. The only thing you can control right now is yourself. You can take control of your eating, drinking and exercising. For me that has been super helpful in maintaining my sanity. I am only a little further along then you, 5 weeks into the separation, so I am no expert. But, while it still [censored], it does get easier. Take care of yourself! Get a life and control what you can.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You're right, you remind me of what's spoken of here and what I've read about and that being more goal oriented....I need an action plan for myself! This weekend I'm going hiking with girlfriends... fresh mountain air will be a good place to have a re-think and strategise/put plans in place for me to GAL!
Im so tempted to call my h.... he's traveling for work....I'm trying to give him space as requested, but I really miss his voice...I know many here have done this but it feels like I'll never stop thinking about him and wishing I was with him....how do you get over the love of your life when you're still madly in love and soooo attracted to them...
Please don t call him. I journal letters to my H and never send when I am feeling tempted. Learning to actually take care of you value yourself and self respect yourself is tough when all these years we put H on pedestool. I find walking 3 miles or more a day helps me, making future plans/goals with friends and going to bed same time every night helps too. Respect yourself respect his wishes and when he calls just be calm and up beat even if it s finding the smallest thing during the day to be happy about. Love yourself have faith that this process will be a learning growing lesson that makes you the best you ever. Do not lose hope however remember needy isn t attractive nor being a doormat. I m at 3 months now and know a quick fix isn t gonna work so I choose to work on me and thank god that there are people in my life to enjoy. I definitely have down moments still but I then make a conscious choice to get up get dressed and do something positive for myself like walking on doing my hair and make up or play with my dogs. Your are worth it!
Last edited by Cadet; 05/17/1807:06 AM. Reason: restored post
So I think I will need to find a desk top to post iPhone and IPad don t seem to fully work. A lot of disappearing posts
When you post from these devices do not use contractions or special characters and your posts should not disappear. Using the Quick Quote to restore what you wrote.
When you want to call him, write here instead. When you want to call him, call a good friend whose shoulder you can cry on. When you want to call him, start doing some exercise.
You need to have crutches to lean on in those moments of weakness. Just find what works best for you.
Stay strong! This about more than just your relationship with your husband, this is about you taking control of your own life.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
