The Mother's Day trip was very lovingly planned by S31 and d28 and S's partner, (whom I think he will marry - and with my total support!) So I'll refer to her as Sgf ?? Anyhow, she helped compensate for me missing d20 (who is back east in college, taking finals.)
Sort of Felt like I had all my chicks with me and they took me to a Mother's Day "Mom's Only Comics" combined (hilariously) with a whiskey tasting.
What could be better than funny mothers and drinking??? No, I did not go up on stage - I was a happy audience member.
Sgf manages comedians (talk about a great job!) and we got great seats and all the comics came up to suck up to us and I just had a grand time.
The not so hot part was that my kids showed me a letter H sent "the children" around his wedding time.
After 19 months of not reaching out meaningfully (as far as I know), their dad sent them a group email.
You would THINK he'd (after blaming me for the divorce or whatever) eventually apologize for his failings as a dad - and what he missed out on, being gone SO MUCH in their childhoods. He could have blamed it on his hard work but at least own some infliction of pain.
I know, I know, too much to hope for, right?
INSTEAD he sent out the weirdest mean letter to THEM...and owned nothing.
First he blames me for the divorce (while explaining why he divorced me , which is just factually untrue as I filed and we ML that morning and only after I saw that I was blocked from our accounts, did I file)
Then Says HE got screwed in the divorce and that HIS lawyer agrees (sounds like an invitation to sue the L for malpractice) so NOW x must work very hard...as HIS life savings were nearly wiped out...(um, okay that made me laugh)
AND HE was NEVER UNFAITHFUL to me...(he just keeps saying it over & over like he believes it, and I have ugly proof of it - and OW/Wife is not his first...)
and THEN he stresses how much he loves his new wife and HER Daughter...(super easy for me to hear, and WHY SAY IT TO THEM??)
It's hurtful to the kids, what an idiot- I believe he is officially missing the gene for empathy - at least for his first family.
He says kids "should never have been dragged into the divorce" ****as if HIS choices played no role in that.
HE left me impaired, stumbling and forgetful after a 6 day neuro stay in the hospital. S31 drove up 4 hours the next morning when he realized I was alone in the home, and that my x, the MD did that...
ANYWAY after the gaslighting blame shifting, which I admit I expected...the letter to the kids
He lists HIS requirements of OUR children - to have a relationship with HIM.
I kid you not - that's what the kids were most amazed by, I think. Like, not the reverse, but HIS requirements of them...OMG...
1) They must Not bring up the past
(no wonder the kids were not invited to the wedding. The truth hurts his narrative)
2) They MUST treat him with respect - as he deserves it...with his hard work and all the events he DID attend - often driving home for weekends "even speeding at times"
(why'd you decide unilaterally to live away during the week at all, moron??? OMG)
and he was "there for all the big events AND even the mundane"....
(yes, that "even for the mundane" is a great line that hit my kids in the face like a slap. So did the bold lie that he missed nothing. What type of amnesia is this??)
okay
3) They MUST treat his new wife AND HER daughter with "double that respect - or he is done"
and my personal favorite line "OW/Wife and HER D15, have been through a lot."
So if the kids ever bring up the past or are disrespectful (not sure what defines that) to him OR in any way to his new family, he is "done."
Signs it,
"I'll love you forever, Dad."
Wow...ouch for the kids (and me, to be honest. )
If he were interested in what OUR children have been through the past 18 months, (anyone recall how d20 got assaulted, jailed, eventually freed with charges dismissed and at great legal expense??? Anyone? That was superfun and not traumatic at all - x does not know... OH and how he cut off her tuition and only b/c of S31 did her school give her a great aid package, and that she had been suicidal that summer for real??
I suspect the truth would overwhelm him or he'd just avoid it, again, and again, forever...
Here is what I suspect going forward.
There will never be an apology of any sort to me. I will not spend a minute waiting for one. The only "karma" for me is in living well. If OW/Wife knew the truth and married him anyway, then his karma is their choosing each other. If she did not, then his new m is based on a dishonest narrative. That poor OW kid...
There will never be an apology to our children , or if there is, like on his deathbed, it'll be a flippant minimizing one.
He will go down with the ship of his rightness and there is nothing I can do about that, but remind myself to be the sane parent.
The lighthouse.
NOT a lighthouse FOR X,
but for our children.
I was wrong to pretend that what h showed them was love. I hoped it was, convincing myself of it for the longest time.
Maybell, in his weird disordered way I think he did love them. But what does it say about love if it means, as it does to my d28, abandonment? She is suffering a lot b/c she seems to pursue people who are not really available to her. And I can see why...
NOW,
I think that letter was 1) an opportunity for him to show his NEW family how loyal he is, (and he's not loyal when it is hard, which is how loyalty is tested).
It's a letter he would never have showed the people in HIS circles for ME or our children,
who said words unflattering to me or about gays like our d20. He never defended us if it might cost HIM.
His childhood Vietnam vet friend/hero - who came on to me heavily and with great disrespect to x, which I did not quite understand - x would never defend me so I had to avoid that "Friend/hero" of x's. And I felt sort of guilty for that nuts behavior as if I had caused it, or hurt x by mentioning it at all.
so NOW he's Mr Loyal....and
I fear he is looking for an excuse to ditch the kids permanently. God, I hope I'm wrong.
That's my fear.
AND OR
That the only way they are to relate to him is the way he relates to HIS father, whom he deeply resented for the poor treatment of his mom, but to whom x has never said a word.
either b/c of his own daddy issues AND OR b/c his father is now quite wealthy.
My kids are overtly hurt by the letter. They expressed their pain to me and it was hard to see.
S31 is, at this point, going no contact. Wants "that poison out of him" and feels the negative self esteem issues he struggles with, are from x. I can't argue much with that, just support the good healthy things about my son, and he's a wonderful talented smart handsome hilarious creative man, who loves his gf and sisters and mama,(he was a favorite of my late mother and she was quite clear about it!)
What else is there to say? (I'm totally objective too).
D28 is a wounded artistic soul, whom I just want to hug all the time. God I love that young woman with such a sensitive soul and I feel a sadness and at times, rage at x for inflicting so much pain on our children,
and owning none of it. And then inflicting more b/c he is AGAIN choosing a place, job or person over our children. How many ways can he reject them?
D20 I will see next weekend and hope for the best. I'm driving 8 hours (on Memorial Day that might be 10 hours) and bringing my (her) dog up with me per D20s PLEAS to bring dog.
I need to explain, our dog is NOT a "strong traveler", and will need meds and lots of stops. I almost want to bring M to help out, but that's not really a great plan b/c I need mom d20 time.
When one parent hurts a child, what does the other parent do?
I let x hurt them before and I enabled it, for which I apologize repeatedly. I don't want to warp the meaning of commitment and loyalty and love,
but by enabling x to behave as he did, I share a part of this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
