Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

So, what exactly do you mean by give in too quickly? This is something I am confused on, because I have read Zeus' post about not taking them back too easily like ten times. I don't want to do it, despite the temptation to finally feel some relief and closeness. But if we have the conversation, and she agrees to commit, is that "giving in"? I mean I'm essentially telling her I will take her back, under "all in" conditions. I understand she will still have bad habits and I cannot soften on letting her get away with any of them. I just want to make sure I'm clear on what not "giving in too quickly" means.

I mean, you don't just take her word that she is going to commit or be transparent, or change her behavior and show respect. Some guys are so keyed up about just getting her to stay with him that they give a big sigh of relief and go right back into the same situation again. You have to hold her feet to the fire until you are convinced she has truly changed and is seriously trying her hardest to show respectful treatment. Your goal is not to just get her to stay. She has to prove herself. And you have to prove that you will not accept cr@ppy behavior. Understand? Getting past the initial "talk" where you let her know where you stand, is just the first step. Btw, I wrote about this very subject in my second thread to LBH's with a WW.

I have a feeling, if she doesn't want to lose me, she is going to agree to anything but it will be hard to know how much of it is her desperation in the moment.

That's part of not letting her back too easily. I'm always telling the LBH to make his WW "work" to get him back. If she doesn't, she won't respect or appreciate him....b/c she didn't have to work for it and got it too easily. That's called "spoiled"! She may be so emotional, she'll agree to most anything, but I kind of doubt it. You cannot budge from your position on going forward with a new MR or ending it. I know you are scared, but you have to take this hard stand and make her believe you are ready to end it, rather than accepting her disrespectful and entitled behavior.

the feeling I had was something I haven't felt in so long. Like she was finally not trying to arm wrestle me. I was finally in the driver's seat.

It/s b@lls, 44. Big ole b@lls of steel. Listen, we women love men with big b@lls. Draws us like flies to honey. Don't buy into her bluff.

I think it will be a long time before she is comfortable with me driving and stops trying to fight back, if we get there at all. Now I will make it clear that if she can't let go of that stubbornness, she loses me.

It's hard to relent the power when she's had it so long, but once she sees you can handle her, she'll like it. She may not like at first, in fact, I think you can count on it. She'll test you, but once you've proven yourself, she's going to fall in love with you.

I see it!! So clearly. It will take strength, but I can do it. Now that I understand the full picture. It's amazing to realize my own cluelessness. She got so good at knowing how to make me fold every time.

I am so relieved to hear you say so. I also sent a long, long post with about five detailed scenarios. I hope they will help you.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Since she's in the military, what kind of trip could she plan?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this? Because of our location, there are tons of places we can travel to and it's a pretty high priority while we're here. She isn't on a deployment, so she can take leave and go on vacation, if that answers your question.

Okay, well if she takes off, so be it. It doesn't change your position.

If I give an ultimatum to a wayward wife, that can't end well right?

It's not the best way, if you can word it where it doesn't sound like one. Actually, you are giving an ultimatum, which is that she start behaving like a respectful W or you are out. But maybe it won't sound so much like an ultimatum when you say it, as when I say it.

That sounds like a good idea. I think from the get-go, the main thing I "need" is respect, and that is covered by the first boundary. The second would probably be commitment, which is sort of built into the conversation about if she agrees to go all in on working on the MR (and not have any outside inappropriate relationships).

Yeah, we aren't going to worry about making a his & her list of wants/needs until we've got this other part clearly established. She'll probably want her say, but if she's truly remorseful, I don't think she'll be blaming and accusing you, trying to make you feel bad about her feelings. That's is so disgusting. This is the time for her to shut up and listen to what you have to say. But whatever........I think you'll be able to tell to some degree if she's really remorseful. I don't know she'll be remorseful about the disrespect (apart from the A) until after she has to start actually implementing respectful behavior.