Advice on my Scenario Pt. 6 - Becoming a Warrior

[OrangeK]

i really want to dial my bodily intake down to a very clean minimum.

Water
Natural Foods Really natural not marketed "organics". as in Fruit, Veggies, raw whole grains and lean meat. thats it.
Black Coffee only, tea when possible instead.
and plenty of excersize. I need to really focus on cardio.

I want to be living so clean i sweat spring water.

[OrangeK]

WW always hated that i smoked. I always wanted to quit but really half @$$ed it, I do look forward to someday in the future being able to answer when she asks, no nonchalantly "Oh, yea i quit ages ago, I don't even think about it anymore.
getting over you made me realize how easy it was to quit toxic influences in my life." - JK!


Im going to quit for me, in fact for S3. He has always called them "Dada Yuk" when he sees me smoking. that should be indicator enough.

[OrangeK]

Feeling pretty dejected today. Just bummed about everything in general, not missing her, that doesn't seem to barely come up much anymore. Just depressed about the fact that this all happened to me, i just wanted to be happy husband, the injustice thing is definitely a factor today but im less angry about it than i am dissapointed and sorrowful about it.

I'm lonely as hell, which also makes it tough.

[OrangeK]

you know what. I need to be honest with myself. I am missing her, again, the illusion, not the illusionist, but yea. Im lonely, i miss "it", by it i miss the R when i was happy, but dont wish myself back into a scenario that i know would result in pain down the road.

[SteveLW]

OK, good job with the honesty. You know what, it is ok to miss her! Obviously you miss the her you knew prior to your MR problems. We get that. But there is nothing wrong with missing your spouse.

For the 2 months my wife was completely checked out of the MR I missed her, even though she was here physically. Like I've said in the past, sometimes being around them physically is worse than being separated! Those 8-10 weeks felt like years.

But this is why I try to caution you when you are on one of your highs and saying how much better off you are without her, etc. This is an emotional roller-coaster. And that is why you have to try to keep your mind occupied. One of my coping mechanisms was to read and listen to any material I could on anti-divorce, or coping with a WAS. I highly suggest you go to youtube and watch and listen to videos from MWD and other experts. It can really help out in these kind of moments.

Stay strong my friend!

[OrangeK]

That is all fine and good if you married a normal human being going through an emotional crisis.

I married a bear trap personified.
Cold, merciless and patient.

[OrangeK]

Its the days that start like this that i end up wanting to contact her, to tell her how awful she is, but i know instead of the "Omg i know, you dont have to remind me, im awful and i shouldnt have done what i did!" i know id get "your crazy, leave me alone"

Thinking of this does remind me of a conversation with WW back before TRO when i brought up the affair, where she said something to the effect of "Why do you keep beating a dead horse, you don't need to keep reminding me of what I did, im well aware"

Which i think is interesting, she acknowledged that she "knew what she did" but didnt have any remorse or regret in her voice, or offered no apology. (For the record she only ever "apologized" once, the day i found out about affair, and it was obviously not sincere)

[OrangeK]

One of my coping mechanisms was to read and listen to any material I could on anti-divorce, or coping with a WAS. I highly suggest you go to YouTube and watch and listen to videos from MWD and other experts. It can really help out in these kind of moments.

At this point in my hell-storm of a situation, listening to Anti-Divorce, Marriage Recovery type of stuff just gives me false hope and then makes me realize how utterly publicly destructive my sitch has been, and there is no way i can see R eve being an option.
Even if she came begging back, had been in IC and done all these things to reconcile, i couldn't ever trust her again.
She had been violating my trust for years before i ever even suspected anything, i was still living in my happy fantasy while she was weaving webs behind my back.
I cant think of a way that she could earn my trust back at this point, not to mention my respect.

[SteveLW]

OK, I think you missed my point. There is a lot of advice in those videos and audios about how to deal with the situation internally!

Let me give you an example. One of the authors whose audio clips I was listening to would answer questions like "What do you do when there is a RO in place and you can't talk to your W?" He would then go on to explain ways of coping with that situation. He had a lot of great advice and valuable insight into how to focus one what you can control (at the end of the day, you) and some really powerful ways to look at things.

Anyway, as I told you the other day, you seem to have way too much time to sit and stew in your juices. You typed this the earlier:

i really want to dial my bodily intake down to a very clean minimum.

Water
Natural Foods Really natural not marketed "organics". as in Fruit, Veggies, raw whole grains and lean meat. thats it.
Black Coffee only, tea when possible instead.
and plenty of excersize. I need to really focus on cardio.

I want to be living so clean i sweat spring water.

Soooooo how is that going? Have you done anything more than just typing that post related to this effort? OK, ANYBODY can sit around and "woe is me". Anyone can respond negatively with excuses when another poster offers suggestions. Anyone can spiral deeper into their despair and hopelessness. A WARRIOR STAYS POSITIVE FOCUSED AND BUSY!!

BE A WARRIOR!

[TBSakaJ9]

O - I get the anger, I really do and it [censored]. I am 44 years old with a 9 and 7 year old and last year my W just told me 1 day she was done and 3 weeks later she was gone.

Now I see my kids 1.2 the time, am paying child support and all of our savings has been split in half.

I get it.......it's ok to vent. Your early on. Try to start thinking about how you can channel that anger in a positive direction.

1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time.